joy is a misnomer

please stop having half time shows

2012-02-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

I think everyone can agree that the Super Bowl halftime time show is absolutely ridiculous. In a bad way. I don’t quite understand why they insist on having pop artists perform when none of them can perform live, and they always transform classic songs into shitty covers (Except for that alien, plastic-looking, heel-clad thing that lip synched to “Like a Prayer” this year. That sounded just as shitty as the first one). The only other halftime show I can remember is *NSYNC, Britney, and Aerosmith. And even though I had questionable taste back then, that was still kind of lame.

I love Justin Timberlake. He has a really stupid ass made up name, seems like a cocky SOB, and cried on the first ever episode of Punk’ed – but I still like his music. The Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” was abhorrently stupid. What was the point? I’m pretty sure you could find a picture of Janet Jackson’s boob online somewhere if you wanted to. Now, now, Janet, flashing people doesn’t make you the RIGHT kind of popular. And did I want to see Janet Jackson (who strikes me as a dirty cougar whore) grinding all up on Justin (who would totally do a dirty cougar whore)? That gave me a glimpse into celebrity personal life that I didn’t want to see. Just HOW desperate do you have to be to “accidentally” show your entire boob on the most televised event of the year? Oh and THEN the post boob-show clutch, like, “Oh my god, my boob.” Let’s just say she isn’t winning an Oscar any time soon.

But NOTHING, NOTHING, tops the Black Eyed Peas in 2011. They were absolutely horrible. I felt like a grandma, yelling, “What is that racket? You call that music?” First of all, Will.i.am is a total sellout. Your name is WILLIAM, dipshit, get over it. Fergie just sucks. She’s not good at anything. I guess she’s thin, but when you have a face like that- who cares? Her voice is so gut-wrenchingly awful that it makes her meth face even more prevalent. And, that other guy looks like an Indian (feather), yet still (somehow) a monkey. And techno beats – they just keep getting worse. Just… gahhhhh!

Ok, so maybe “Like a Prayer,” with a choir is a step in the right direction compared to anything Black Eyed Peas or an aging pop star’s headlights. Maybe.

Fidel works here

2012-02-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

There’s nothing like watching a new employee establish himself as a “giant fucking weirdo” on his very first day. So I’m just sitting in my cubicle, like normal, when in the hallway right outside of my humble abode, I see (hear) “the new temp.” He is asking his boss about badge access. I believe it went something like this:

“I’d like 24/7 access to the building. I like to work late. I’m not one of those out of here at 5pm types of guys. I need to be able to come back in at like 10pm if I decide to go get a sandwich or something. I’m always late on Mondays because I live in Maryland.”

And, folks, he’s not even a drafter.

So you need 24/7 access… to turn the abandoned second floor of this building into a meth lab? Around here, working “late” is staying until 4. I leave at 3:30pm on the dot, every day. Temps work by the HOUR, dorkwad.
Why do you need a sandwich at 9:30pm? Fourth meal? And isn’t that supposed to be a wrap or taco of some sort, not a sandwich?

Why are you telling your boss you like to come in late? And what does Mondays have to do with being late? You have free heroin Sundays, so your Mondays are always rough? That’s great you live in Maryland, but considering we are about 10ish miles from the Maryland line, it’s not really an excuse for being late, ever. Especially on Mondays.

Later in the day, while he sees a lunch meeting in progress, he waits outside the room in anticipation of stealing the catered lunch food after the meeting is over. Waiting outside the door, really? You don’t even work here yet. I guess when you eat sandwiches at 9:30 you are hungry for the rest of the day.

Lastly, many have given him the name “Fidel” in honor of his likeness to the Cuban dictator. Yeah, if Fidel wore plaid shirts, short pants, and needed to run a meth lab to earn extra cash, he's a dead ringer.

*forehead slap*

it's my birthday bitches

2012-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

Today I am 26 years old. I know, I know, hold your applause. It will take me a bit of time to get used to being “26,” just like when I spent all of “25” telling people I was “24.” Not that it matters anyway. Apparently the big 3-0 just marks the time period where you tell people in their twenties that you are SO MUCH older than they are.

Just so you know, when I’m in my thirties, I will NOT be telling people in their twenties how lucky and awesome they are to still be twenty-something. Instead it might go something like this: “Oh, you’re twenty two today… that was totally the worst year of my life… good luck with that.”

The weird thing isn’t that I am older, it’s that there are more and more teenagers listening to music I think is retarded and saying catch phrases my dog probably made up but decided not to use because he said it out loud and it sounded stupid to him. And inevitably comes the thought, “I wasn’t THAT bad, was I?”

Yes. Yes you were. That time when you were totally obnoxious at that BYOB restaurant because you decided to DAYB (drink all your booze) before the appetizer came, not really thinking about the other patrons in the restaurant and how you might be annoying the shit out of them with your hyena-like laughter and boisterous storytelling… YES. You were just as annoying as the idiotic I’m-21-and-can-drink-in-public-somethings.

Once in awhile, I go to a team event I’m coaching with a gaggle of high school girls, and I accidentally listen. BIG MISTAKE. I either realize I have no idea what they’re talking about because they are using words I am unfamiliar with (because somebody famous just made them up), or I am astounded by the innate nature of the inconsequential, pointless subject matter - and how little I care about ever hearing another word spoken about it. This includes (but is in no way limited to):
boyfriends, Lady Gaga, disco sticks, the size of someone’s thighs, prom dresses, homecoming dresses, winter formal dresses, who’s a slut, who wore it better (the high school edition), how hard high school is, tests, weight, the last time you shaved your legs….

Okay so this could go on forever.

Not only that, but half the time when I reference something (anything), I have to tell the kid to Google it.

Was I like this at 15? Probably. Dammit. At least this perspective keeps me from ever being nostalgic about being a teenager. When I turn 30 in four years, remind me to never again rant like an asshole on a public blog.

I'd rather watch gay men fight over fabric

2012-01-02T14:04:00.000-05:00

We all know that reality shows are a long way past the point of sucking. They’re horrendous. I don’t think I can emphasize enough just how much I hate the Kardashians. But even the non-dramatic, off the beaten path, discovery channel reality has gone to new lengths to suck.
I have problems with several of them (see the list below).

1. Gold Rush Alaska
This show doesn’t seem that bad of a concept. We’re going to follow miners around and see if they find the gold they need. Hooray pioneers! (or something). Only after watching a few episodes do you figure out these people don’t have the slightest flippin clue of what’s going on. They don’t have the equipment, the expertise, or the manpower to mine. Something breaks every other day and of course no one can ever fix it. Oh, and did I mention that they need to make 200k or they will be homeless? Yes, all six of them. Also, the guy they interview the most sounds like “Darrel” from “Storage Wars” which makes me automatically think he’s a giant dumbass with a truck that he doesn’t know how to drive.

2. Sons of Guns
It was kind of annoying to start with. Now even the commercials are becoming intolerable. What’s worse than watching hicks blow shit up? That’s right, watching hicks trying to act to create another storyline and then blow things up. Everyone knows that what’s his name doesn’t actually like the chick on the show. If they were actually dating, they’d both be way more relaxed (we know she puts out, she has a kid). The guy that actually runs Red Jacket is the most asinine jerkwad on the planet. “Ah he he, I’m this big badass tough gun hick but the people I surround myself with have the real talent and I just take the credit for it.”

3. American Pickers
Just be proud to be gay already; it’s cool with me.

There are a lot of annoying details I could go over in other shows, but I’ll spare you. FYI, “Crocodile Hunters” isn’t actually that bad because it’s like learning to decipher a different language. Backwoods Bayou English is an art. Also, if you have a few beers, the show becomes down right phenomenal, which I cannot say for most other reality based fake-ality shows. “Auction Hunters” is annoying because it’s not as good as “Storage Wars,” and “Storage Wars” gets annoying whenever Darrel talks. I usually enjoy “Pawn Stars.” It’s like antiques roadshow with a more colorful cast. Or at least a larger diameter one. I ALMOST FORGOT.

4. Hardcore Pawn

I hate this show the most. Some snarky sleazy guy in Detroit runs this pawn shop and tries to fuck people over on ever deal. In Pawn Stars, at least the guys try to be fair. This guy gets off on being a complete dick. Did I mention he has a grey balding mullet? And both of his kids work in the shop and are fucking dumb and like to scream at each other every day.

In summary, I need to go back to watching Bravo, because at least that shit is entertaining.

fighting the day after x-mas mob

2012-01-02T13:11:00.000-05:00

Shopping at Best Buy the day after Christmas MIGHT have been the worst decision ever. Imagine hundreds of obnoxious people with their kids directing them around the aisles of tablets, and desktops, and LED big screens, oh-my. There were only about three people working in the entire store which is about 20 times the size of my house. Adam tailed a worker for about fifteen minutes before we snatched him away from the crowd and made him sell us a computer. Before that I was surrounded by a mosh pit of seventh grade girls poking an IPad2.

As much as the electronic store can be kind of fun, I’d do anything to trade places and be in a library, because a.) It’s cheaper and b.) I don’t have to pry my fiancé away from every giant TV that he sees because there aren’t any. Our special journey led us to the land of Desktops. It’s not Narnia, but it’s far from Mordor (if these are too nerdy for you, please google both). I guess my Narnia would be Kinects because it’s the only way I can actually play a video game. Mordor would be everything with an “i” in front of it because you get ass raped financially (Orcs fuck up your credit like you wouldn’t BELIEVE).

I’m not sure I quite understand the concept of the “all-in-one-touchscreen-desktop.” So I ask Adam “don’t most people type on their computers?… why would they put a keypad on the screen?; that’s dumb.”

“Well, I think you just get a keyboard too for when you want to type.”

So you spend hundreds of dollars more to navigate a screen with a mouse instead of just touching it? Um… thanks… I think I’ll go cheap and take the mouse. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at my computer and said, you know what, I wish I could just clumsily touch that with my fingers and accidentally hit the wrong thing seven times and end up trying to use my fingernail to select things. Typing things on a touchscreen is quite possibly the worst thing ever. The blockbuster version of “RedBox” (bluebox?) is just mocking me when it asks for my zip code. Needless to say, we did not purchase a touchscreen all-in-one.

Finally, we steal the best buy guy away from all the other rabid customers and get him to help us. AND we get the dude to check us out on register that was at the other end of the store from the normal check out line that had five thousand people in it. Seriously five thousand people. There was an “Occupy” movement going on in the checkout line because people had to wait so long to purchase their electronics that they didn’t have jobs anymore. We DID get out of there in one piece (thank God), and now own a computer that has a hard drive as big as our external hard drive… which means we can download the entire internet seven times. SOOOOO worth it.

send this to 34 people or your shmoopy gets it

2011-12-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

Chain letters.

They’re stupid and everybody hates them. I REALLY hate them. Seriously, if you send me a chain letter, you might get de-friended on Facebook. When perusing the chain letter/email, the monologue goes a little something like this:

Blah blah blah, something I already knew and don’t have to waste time reading again…. Annnnnnnd send this to fifty thousand people or you’re going to die in a freak accident on December 13th, 2012 and fulfill the Mayan prophecy that the world will end (for you).

Right.

What’s with the threat at the end? They’re all so unoriginal. I’ve gotten chain letters that said, “Do this or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life!” Do… send… thing… or… bad… happens… forever. Oh, yes, wise chain letter. Tell me what to do next. Whenever a document has a sentence at the bottom in 980 pt font, saying, “pass this along to 9 other people or u will never find ur true love,” I’m not reading it. That sentence told me all I needed to know. And what I needed to know was the name of the person that emailed me this stupid thing so that I can delete them from my life.

In middle school, chain letters were everywhere. Somehow the threat of being ugly or unwanted could strike fear into the heart of every tween out there. Because worse things do not happen to people than being hideous and without a spouse.

But now… now it’s a Jesus chain letter (email) with a Bible verse telling me I am obligated to to tell 9 other “sisters” that I love them or I am a lazy asshole who doesn't really love God (I paraphrase). Yes, it’s true. Satan has jumped on the internet and inserted this little trap just to yank some more souls back down there. “DO THIS OR ELSE,” is not really a good motivating technique for I don’t know… ME? In response to this church chain letter I will definitely not be telling ANYONE I love them. Yes, good, rational decision, Joy.

Fuck motherfucking chain emails.

awkward work situations

2011-12-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

Awkwardly being awkward since 1986.

1. You’ve just spent 5 minutes in the hallway talking to someone and catching up with them. You proceed to pass the same person at a different point in the hall (or in the bathroom) five seconds later. Obviously you’re not going to stop. But do you say “hello” again? Make shifty eye contact with a weirdo half smile? This person has already gotten the courtesy small talk; I feel it’s a bit overindulgent to give them a bit more. I only have so many polite conversations in me a day; the rest are unfiltered. Nobody wants the normal Joy to come out at work.
Sometimes I want to follow someone around (and keep passing them in the hallway) just to see how many times they’ll say hello to me.

2. You’ve just printed something that you KNOW is in the stack that someone else just pulled off the printer. The printer has a habit of splicing seventeen print jobs together so this exact situation occurs a billion times a day. You see the person walk away and stop them, make them go through every single page, only to find out that nothing in that pile is yours. Oops.

3. Someone who has been trying to lose weight approaches you and asks you how you did it. Well, to make a long story short…. Don’t eat for a few months while playing division one college soccer. Then eat everything all the time (blah, blah, blah other unpleasant eating disorder behaviors)… then eat normally again. And your body goes back to the way it was before all this shit started! Ok....

4. You’re carrying an empty growler into work, only to realize you’ve forgotten your access badge at home. No big deal. You wait for someone to come and open the door; it’s your boss’s boss. You proceed to show him that it’s empty, and he reminds you that you can’t have alcohol on the campus. “But it’s empty!”

5. Sending your future employer a copy of your resume entitled “Cash Money,” without changing the title on the attachment. Big. Fucking. Oops.

Jesus, not Tebow

2011-11-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

Tim Tebow.

I can't help but love the guy. Not because I want to "give him a chance," or because "he" is winning games. Maybe it's because he's so blatently awful that he makes Sanchez look like Houdini. Or that he can somehow complete 2 passes per game, yet still score a touchdown in the last minute to win it. Some fans are still hanging onto the fact that Tebow is winning, therefore, his "unconventional" style (a quarterback who can't throw the ball) is somehow part of his master plan to dominate the NFL. Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, WRONG!

He is absolutely terrible. Let's call this phenomenon what it really is: Jesus.

For the first time ever, Jesus is taking over professional sports. Frankly, he's sick of people making fun of Tim Tebow. Not only that, but Tebow is a big fan of Jesus, and He is sick of people thinking that his biggest fan is a loser. I can't blame the guy for being so pissed off that He feels the need to intervene.

In a recent interview, Jesus was all like, "He's a REALLY nice guy. Why is everyone such a negative asshole? There's no rule about Son of Man Steriods, so you can all suck it."

We are all witnessing a professional sports phenomenon. For the first time, one player is being given the juice at all the right times. Some call this part of God's campaign to win back the American masses, the NFL fans.

"People say they can't go to church on 'football' sundays. Well, now He's bringing church to them," said an apparation known to shepherds as "G-man."

Rumor has it that God is also really ticked about the removal of "In God We Trust" on the new dollar coins. It's speculated that if we keep this up, we can expect somebody's grandma to kick Lebron's ass.

Experts have suggested Tebow-ing five times a day towards Jerusalem in order to appease an angry, jealous God. I plan on cheering for Tebow to suck for 59 minutes every week before Jesus comes in and saves the day. What better way to show the awesome power of God?

You know what... I just looked at my watch and it's TEBOW TIME!

Free Underwear is NEVER a Good Idea

2011-10-13T08:31:00.002-04:00

Vicki's snatch is SUCH a clingly slut. Yes, Vicki's snatch. Oh right...some of you may not know... that's my sisters hilarious name for victoria's secret. Anyone who has made the mistake of actually giving Vicki their email address knows that they send new emails approximately every 31 seconds. Oh yes, AND they send you promotionals every month for their "sales." Ten bucks off a $55 bra STILL means I pay $45. Jerkwads. Ok, ok and another free cotton panty. I'm hip to their jive. If I walk in there, I will have to buy seven bras. I can't just get the free underwear. I have to drive 30 minutes to the mall that actually HAS a victoria's secret... I never go just to get a free pair of panties. That, and if all you do is present the card and undies at the register, the cashier looks at you like "Really? ...cheap bitch." I'd rather skip the judgement.

While you're at it, try to give Vicki a fake phone number as well. The last phone call I received from them was this uber pushy woman who made me take a free month of identity protection from some stupid company I never heard of. Hey... I'm PRETTY sure no one will try to steal "Joy Dickensheets." It's not exactly a name that gets lost in the shuffle. There is one, and I am it. Duh.

On a side note, at some point in the conversation, I said something like, "Oh, I don't have a regular Angels card, I have the black VIP one." And the woman CONGRATULATES me. "Oh, well, congratulations on your VIP membership!"
Really? Congratulations, thanks for spending way to much money at our store because you fell for the free panty gimmick. Way to go, sucker.

Anyway, the bitch talked so long and I was feeling nice enough to not hang up, so to get her to leave me alone, I ended up just saying ok I'll take the free month but take me off when it's up because I don't want that crap. she's all like... Really, this is such a good deal? Well... really, this is just like your stupid free underwear scheme. you get me to come to the store and then I forget where I am and just go into robot mode and buy bras. Just like I will forget to cancel the stupid thing you signed me up for after a month.

Days later, after realizing that saying "yes" at any point in the conversation with her was a HUGE mistake, I ended up calling the company that was supposed to protect my identity. I tell them my name, that I got an email from them. Yhey say, "Oh we don't have record of you. But that doesn't mean you're not a client. You should call Victoria's Secret." Um thanks. For nothing. How can I be signed up for something but not really? I feel like they are just bullshitting me.

Vicky, just leave me alone. Enough with the emails and the calls and all the mail. I know what you sell. I know where you are when I need you, and that's the extent of our relationship. Now, don't tell Ross or TJ Maxx about our little side rendezvous or they will divorce me.

i miss my boobs, but i am working on it.

2011-09-19T12:18:00.000-04:00

"you're only popular with anorexia"
~tori amos

What does that mean exactly? Well... I'm not asking what Tori means, because honestly, who the hell knows? However, I think I can answer what it means to me and the people I've met, and the places I've been.

There was a time when I was proud to be anorexic. I had lost the rest of myself, and in my twisted mind, anorexia gave me a purpose. Anorexia meant a will of steel, a superhuman who didn't need. The great irony of an eating disorder is that it turns you into whatever it is you're running away from - needy, sick, weak, lonely, unable to accept love. And you come out hating yourself until you get treatment and even then spend the rest of your life trying not to feel guilty about being an egotistical brat and ruining everyone else's life.

I sit here typing - almost two full years recovered, and I am asking myself, "Why?" Not why did I have ED... that's fairly obvious to me. But why is it that when I felt compelled to diet was when I couldn't stop gaining weight? When I finally accepted my curves, my body started to go back to its natural shape with more and more recovery time... and that natural shape was more medium sized and less curvy. Even though I wasn't particularly excited at no longer looking like Christina Hendricks, I was okay with it. And now I am fully recovered. I stopped drinking beer so that my medication would work better... and now my va-va-voom is pretty much gone. I worked so hard to accept it; then it disappeared.

So you're thinking, "Joy just eat another goddamn burger." Well I do eat them. In fact I eat whatever I want. No foods are banned from my diet. And overeating would be bingeing to me, which means that I would go backwards towards sick... again. Most the women who are reading this are telling me to fuck off because they would kill to be thinner. I associate thin with empty, sick, and sad. Having boobs was a visual reminder that I liked looking like a woman instead of a twelve year old boy; it put distance between how I used to want to look and what I actually looked like.

The more I've thought about this, the more I've realized, it is ridiculous to be angry about this. Isn't part of accepting your body shape accepting WHATEVER shape it's in? I never thought I could possibly be pissed about losing weight. And now I'm learning that overly identifying with a visual image of myself is damaging. My body will always be changing, and I need to develop my confidence from the good things that I do... not the way I look. Wanting to be thinner for aesthetic is the same as wanting to gain weight so I'll feel more attractive. I know that I am healthy, and trying to work towards a different body type to change my appearance is in vain. Not only has it NEVER worked for me, but it is just another form of body image dissatisfaction. I don't really want everyone talking about me because of the way that I look. I'd rather have people talk about my smile and the light in my eyes. Youth will fade and I don't care to chase after it.

So today I will look in the mirror and know that I am beautiful regardless of the shape of my body. Instead of criticizing my silhouette, I will take joy in being strong, healthy, and happy. Who cares about being admired by many when you can't stand yourself? Forget about what other people will think the first time they see you. When you're happy with who you are, you don't need to win anything. You don't need to make other women jealous because you don't really care who the prettiest girl in the room is. Be uncommon; be unpopular... LIKE yourself, today and every day.

ahoy maties

2011-09-15T09:45:00.000-04:00

we've all heard of national "talk like a pirate day." well maybe you haven't, but you should have. Now, WHAT IF you had a graduate student teaching assistant that talked like a pirate?

those chemical engineering students are used to trying (in vain) to understand foreign accents. i say, throw them a curve and talk like an effing pirate. arggggghhhhh.

now in order to actually teach engineering, there are a few requirements:

1. you must write illegibly
2. you must complete elaborate proofs that have no bearing on what you're talking about and will not help the students complete homework
3. you must mumble
4. you must write a lot and ask anyone if they have any questions, even when you are certain they have been baffled by your bullshit.
5. you MUST and i mean MUST have an accent that is near impossible to understand.

so why not a pirate? i think the students will be too thrown off if you speak american. i mean, they probably won't even understand you. that or they think that you can't possibly know what you're doing because you're teaching in english. how dare you?

so what to do and say if you are teaching like a pirate? well i will thank myself for asking such an astute question. thanks, self.

here are a few tips that i've come up with:

every sentence must end in "arrggghhh." you must either call the students landlubbers or scallywags. you threaten to make the students walk the plank when they are hung over or not trying. if they do something completely backwards from logical thought, you tell them that they are going to make a special trip to davey jones' locker. you must use the word "booty" meaning pirate treasure several times during a class. you must ask them where all the rum has gone. you have the option of beating sleeping students with your peg leg. you talk to your imaginary parrot who continually makes you laugh because it makes fun of the scallywags. you MUST wear an eyepatch. you must tell stories about captain jack sparrow and how he found the treasure of q = U*A*delta T log mean in the Lost Cavern of Laplace Transformations which is under the Bernoulli Sea. tell your students to brush up their plunderin skills, otherwise they will never be able gather the booty needed to cross the Strait o' Final Exams.

also, only do this every other class. in the weeks in between act completely normal like nothing is amiss.

who's with me?

i hate the concept of insurance

2011-08-20T15:19:00.000-04:00

i'd like to talk about why insurance blows.

this is my understanding of the concept of insurance: you pay someone ALL the time "just in case" ONE TIME something bad happens to you. i'd like to know how many people never get back what they have put into their insurance; how often is it a complete waste? if instead, you just kept your own money, put back what you WOULD spend on insurance in case of a medical emergency, would you need more money? or would you be fine? the concept of insurance is playing on fear. fear of death, fear of poverty, fear of loss. because what if you get cancer and you can't pay for treatment without insurance? that seems to be everyone's worst nightmare; to be uninsured and have cancer is almost certain death. John Grisham wrote a book about this. In "the Rainmaker," a poor family is denied their insurance coverage (due to a completely corrupt system where ALL claims are denied the first time) and a boy dies because he cannot have the bone marrow transplant he needs to survive. His parents had paid for the insurance policy, but because the insurance company wanted to make more money, they denied claims in the hope that the blue collar people they insured wouldn't fight back. and, most of them didn't.

it takes on average 17 years to correctly diagnose bipolar disorder. because it takes this long, people struggle constantly with medication, but still find themselves unable to work. so if you can't work, you don't have insurance. and you can't pay for your meds; therefore, you can't ever get back to the point where you are able to work. fifty percent of people with bipolar or schizophrenia have no health insurance. in other words, the people that need help the most, don't get it.

the rich get richer... the poor get poorer... and the sick get sicker.

female comedians

2011-08-17T14:21:00.000-04:00

i know it's not just me. a lot of popular female comedians suck. like, really, REALLY suck. i tried to watch chelsea handler standup today. it was almost unwatchable. her jokes consist of stories of her being an alcoholic drugged up slut. i know that's her shtick... trying to align herself with feminism because she has the freedom to fuck whoever she wants and drink as much as she wants, because she doesn't care if she's a "lady." ha. ha. it seems like the only people laughing WITH her are the ones who condone her activies. she's the sorority bitch that never grew up. and THIS is a famous female comedian. THIS? sorority bitches stopped being funny when you saw one go home with a strange man from the bar when she was so wasted she couldn't see (and you actually felt SORRY for her).

am i asking too much? are women just not entertaining unless they talk about drunk girls and sex? because even when they do that, they still aren't funny. where are the smart-funny women i knew growing up? the ones that were bright and had self confidence and were my closest friends? none of us are paid comedians, that's for sure. and if we are even pretending to be, we write insignificant little blogs that don't get us paid. is it that there really are NO funny women? or is it that a woman can't succeed as a comedian in this world without embarassing herself by being the stereotypical stupid bitch slut that boys masquerading as men want to reduce them to?

kathy griffin is a completely different animal. i really want to like her because she's a bitchy ginger that's on bravo. however, the audio version of "US magazine" gets a bit old after the five hundreth tv special. can't she (for once) talk about something i care about? she's another version of an entertainment magazine... and god knows we need more of THOSE. i hate ryan secrest and the E channel.

every woman i have ever seen on comedy central standup has been absolutely horrific. meanwhile, i'm peeing my pants and crying watching nick swardson for the first time. thank god for jen lancaster. she doesn't do stand up, but at least she can make me laugh.

calling all funny chicks... can i get at least a one liner?

smells like teen spirit... and shweaty balls

2011-07-08T06:27:00.000-04:00

why do people try to paint different versions of themselves on the internet? we're all guilty. untagging unflattering facebook photos, witty status updates, assuming fake identities in fettish chat rooms. really, what are we getting out of this? who cares what people on the internet think of you? for a lot of people, social networks aren't about connections with long lost friends. i mean how much of an update do you get in a 2 sentence wall post? for a lot of people, social networks are about looking as awesome as possible to everyone on the planet. can't have those people that you don't even like from high school see your facebook photos and gossip about how you've gained weight. so what if you have? and why do random ass people from high school comment on everyone's life that also went to your high school? i mean it's one thing if you were good friends. it's quite another when you're all like "why is that bitch liking everything i put up? the only reason i'm facebook friends with her is so that i can make sure she is just as pathetic as i remember." okay, so maybe she is on psychiatric meds now and is a way happier person (this sentence may or may not be about me). OR she STILL has no life and still wants to feel important so pretends everyone she ever met is her best friend only on the internet because no one can stand her in real life. seriously just admit it... you are not who you pretend to be on the internet.

well, i guess i kind of am. i am also a total bitch in real life. when you aim low, you can only surprise people by not being a total dick. i say we all start a movement... post unflattering pictures of ourselves and try to look as dumb and crazy as possible (because fat, crazy, and stupid are the worst insults people can think of). let's take "celebrity" back from those douches in the music and film industries, and create publicity with our own sick, sad tabloids. oh wait, we've already done that on facebook. which is why it's so damn popular. fucking zuckerberg.

and if you disagree with my blogs, i want you to know, i totes didn't mean for u to take it seriously and i love everyone and i'm super bubbly and fun all the time haha LOL! p.s. i am so pretty.

just kidding. if you don't like it, stop reading it and close the fucking window, genius.

not a belieber

2011-07-01T12:02:00.001-04:00

i just had a disturbing dream. i went to soccer practice, and justin bieber was there implementing his new "justin bieber" coaching program. i have no idea what this could possibly entail because i spent way too much time thinking of ways i could hit him and make it look like an accident.

so what's the deal with justin bieber? i was in target the other day and an overly grown teenager sitting in a shopping cart (yes, IN the shopping cart) says to the cashier, "Everyone needs a little Bieber in their life." (turns to me) "Am I right?"

I said, "No, I think he's kind of annoying."

Then she cried. Not really, but I'm sure she thought about slitting her wrists in angst over the ignorance of the world.

seriously, what is WRONG with everyone? my dog's ultra feminine- ball chopped- bark sounds more masculine than bieber's crappy crooning. and THIS kid gets to make a movie? about himself? and people actually go SEE it? what the hell? this is just futher proof that the world is just not fair. my life is ten times more interesting than his ever could be. and i'm sitting here, unemployed, BLOGGING, and talking to my dog.

i think what got bieber in my soccer dream was passing his proactiv campaign twenty billion times on the tv guide thing. also, why does every celebrity have a proactiv infomercial? the jig is up. we know someone photoshopped pimples onto your face. bieber isn't even old enough to have acne. if anything, he should be promoting desitin (you know, for his diaper rash).

can he get old and creepy already so i don't have to see him on tv anymore?

another sporting event you don't care about on ESPN

2011-06-29T20:24:00.001-04:00

Hello sports fans!

And if you're not a sports fan, good for you, because if you're an American sports fan you are probably going to close this blog after the next sentence. Did you know that the Women's World Cup is happening RIGHT NOW? No, fellow sexist Tosh fans, the Women's World Cup does not involve laundry, cleaning things, or using Backwards Woman Logic to argue arbitrary points that contradict each other. It's a SOCCER tournament!

Now that I've lost the rest of my readers, let's talk about how the American Women's soccer team is vastly different from the American Men's soccer team. This is how they differ:

1.) The american women's team is actually good. They're ranked #1 going into the tournament and have won 2 of the 5 world cups as well as 3 olympic golds. The men beat somebody once, but no one remembers because they're too distracted by Eric Wynalda's obnoxious commentary and Landon Donovan's receding hairline.

2.) The women usually go into a tournament as the favorite. Men usually go into a tournament because other countries are scared that the U.S. will find "weapons of mass destuction" and somehow start a completely useless war on terror.

3.) Generally, an American woman, Mia Hamm, is recognized as the best player of all time in the women's game. Generally, an American men's soccer claim to fame is having met the best player of all time, Pele.

4.) In the men's soccer glory days, we lost to brazil 1-0 in 1994. In the women's glory days, well... we're still having them. And we beat people.

5.) The best prospect to ever hit men's soccer was a 15 year old from Ghana. Currently he is doing sort of okay. Everyone who played for the U.S. team in the Mia era started when they were like 16. Seriously. And they won stuff.

None of this excuses the fact that our US women played like crap against a high school age North Korean squad for forty five minutes. The take home message is this: the men play like crap way more than the women. I don't think I'll ever be excited as I was when I watched the US men defeat Portugal (at three am eastern time, I might add)in their opener in the 2002 World Cup, despite Jeff Agoos and his high level of suckiness. The problem is, I began to expect them to be better. So now, I'm miserably disappointed when they suck. I could go on and on about how American soccer should be WAY ahead of where it is...

but I'll leave it at this:

Some people might hate to watch soccer, but at least when you watch the US women, they're usually winning something. So bring your freedom fries to the couch and sit down and watch the next game (saturday, 11:30am). Because even if you don't enjoy the game, you can enjoy speculating how many "women" on the other team look like dudes. Seriously, SKIRT CHECK?

take this resume critique and shove it

2011-06-22T15:22:00.000-04:00

you know when you apply for jobs on various job searching websites - you almost always end up getting annoying follow up emails about these nifty things you can buy to make your resume "better." Right. "Please sign up for our premium platinum, bucky-ball covered resume package so that you get the job you want!"

Hold on. These people DO realize I am clearly looking for a job... not only do I find their services insulting, but they cost money (which I would like to MAKE, not GIVE AWAY). You want to sell me my OWN resume for $500? Does the term "B.S. in Chemical Engineering" scream "SUCKER" to these people?

Here is my response to a shitty resume critique email that I received today:

Your "critique" is as limited and sedentary as your attempt to sell me another version of my own resume for $500. You pulled two or three phrases out of context and put them in a generic form letter. Why yes, I did have MS and PHD recipients (in chemical engineering, which, I think, is exponentially more important to the world than resume writing) help me write my resume. Their (free) approval and advice has been invaluable. I have been offered every job for which I have interviewed. Because of you (and your ridiculously insulting form letter aimed at people DUMB enough to spend $500 on a resume when they are LOOKING for another job), I'm effectively unsubscribing from all (NAME OF STUPID JOBSITE) emails. Best of luck selling an expensive product to the unemployed.

Well, I guess I showed that stupid website-resume-critique-could-just-be-a-computer-spitting-out-emails-and-not-a-real-person-thing.

HA.

video blog

2011-06-06T15:23:00.000-04:00

i know it's been quite awhile. my job was sucking out my soul; i finally quit. now i'm sitting at home making video blogs in front of my pitt bull.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdO_7Vbr91w

Enjoy.

S&M Aliens

2011-04-27T08:58:00.001-04:00

I'm aware that I frequently post about how much music on the radio sucks balls. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but here I go again.

"E.T." (Katy Perry, Kanye West) gets stuck in my head for days on end. So I'll paraphrase the meaning (Joy style) of this song... "You're so hot, it's like you're an alien and I want to fuck you."

... Yeah, that's it.

Who wants to fuck an alien? Could that be any more impersonal? Yeah, me and this alien... he loves me SO much; we are SO connected. Sounds intimate. And if some dude is so good looking that he seems like he's from another planet, he's probably gay and has no interest in satisfying you. Yeah, that emotionally detached sex; it's just what every woman wants. Or it's just what every single woman pretends she wants because that's what single men want. Very compelling. And, Katy Perry might want to get stabbed with Kanye's laser, but I'm going to stay away from that shit. Who knows how many Martians have been hanging around THAT laser? Gross.

Let's take a trip back memory lane to the scene of "Mean Girls" where Regina George's younger sister is dancing (inapporpriately I might add) to the "Milkshake Song." What's grosser than an eight year old dancing around and stripping to a song about a bizarre sex act? I'll tell you: an eight year old parrotting Rihanna's "S&M." Now, a little kid might be able to think that "the milkshake song" is about a real milkshake. Like one made with ice cream that you order at McDonald's. Why does that still sound dirty? But S & M? It only means one thing. And it ain't no milkshake. Instead of just perpetuating the premature sexuality of young girls with culture, now we're telling them they need to express that sexuality in a certain way. Boys like you better if you're a slut. But only if you're an experimental, freaky, whips and chains - slut. If that's what you are into, I feel like you should discover it through some sort of bizarre coincidence, not listening to the freaking radio on the way home from soccer practice. I picture the same little girl from Mean Girls, dancing around singing "S S S S and M M M," and it makes me want to cringe/ vomit. Cringe while vomiting. Vomit while cringing. You get the point.

Anyone else with me?

Now if I could just get these damn songs out of my head. Why does everything that's a horrible message to send to the world have to be all... catchy and shit?

i don't have a PhD and i do what a want.

2011-04-06T09:21:00.001-04:00

remember outrageous statements college professors made (like... "i have a phd... I do what I want)? well apparently those days are not behind me. these people actually exist in real life OUTSIDE of academia. they should really go back. please, go back. the money hungry PhD graduates that don't want to try to convince the government to give them funding for the rest of their lives go into manufacturing. they end up with jobs that they absolutely suck at, but no one will fire them because they succesfully trick normal people into thinking that thier PhD from (insert gag worthy prestigious grad school here) makes them a big deal. there are some people in grad school who are absolutely wonderful (liz stewart). but then there are some real social reh-tards that hide behind their intelligence because they are jealous of people with actual lives. these PhD's are the ones that are big deals in your manufacturing company. nobody knows what they do besides ask obtuse questions that have nothing to do with anything except how they personally invented the internet. and everyone knows that Al Gore invented the internet. Duh. my most arrogant college professor used to gloat about how he would "tour Europe" on the "university's dime" just to go give talks about how awesome he was. apparently, in one week, i am going to meet this man's evil, more arrogant twin when he comes to check up on our branch. well, that sounds FABULOUS. i always wanted to meet a bigger prick than the guy that taught engineering ethics. this is just further proof that entropy is forever increasing until everything is destroyed in a cataclysmic reverse big bang, to be titled, "Jesus Goes Jihad." in the year year 2012. like that awesome movie where jon cusack is an action hero or something. yes, i know that statement is a paradox.

what was my point? oh right. i wish i wasn't going to have to sit in a room with some guy in a hideously expensive suit who will basically just talk down to me until i gingersnap. the worst is that his brother from another mother (the giant idiot asshole that only the office minions seem to notice is a giant idiot asshole) will be visiting as well. i have spoken to this man on the phone exactly once. in ten minutes, he said nothing, asked me questions about nothing, and made absolutely no sense. not only did he not provide any useful answers, he was kind of a big jerk. he told me to follow up and call him back. yeah. right. i'm sure he has more important things to do than to wait by the phone for me to tell him he provided no helpful advice so i just solved the problem myself because that's what you do when nobody who has actually worked here longer than a month gives you a viable option.

time to get out the douche proof dropcloth and put on the ginger sneer. wish me luck.

i suck and haven't been posting

2011-04-06T08:19:00.002-04:00

so this one is old. but i actually have to do work at my new job and i don't have time to write them. i know, it's terrible.

it's thursday of the third week of my new job. I have already given out the following dundie awards to my co-workers:
most seth rogan-sounding voice without actually being seth rogan
best pyro-nostalgia stories
least likely to buy his wife a good birthday present
least likely to get bullied for drinking smirnoff ice
biggest dealio
coolest tech vest award
most likely to break out ke$ha at work

dundies i THOUGHT about giving out, but didn't because I don't want everyone to hate me:
best sort-of lisp
least likely to have touched a woman (ever)
most likely to give you terrible work advice
most likely to call you a slut under her breath because you aren’t wearing a turtle neck
it’s not like I’m obnoxious or anything. Maybe. Ish.

cross your fingers that i can sneak a real blog post in today...

gaga for... anything but gaga

2011-03-20T19:49:00.000-04:00

Now that I have a much more extended commute to and from work, tunes have become a necessity. I can set the tone for my entire day by listening to the right music. Hell, I can cure my own road rage. WORLD PEACE, BITCHES! Woe to the people that are around me when I forget my ipod. The other day, coming to work, on the radio, I hear “Learning to Breathe” (Switchfoot). Love that song. The very next is some horribly shitty Avril Lavine with idiotic lyrics. Something about “all my life, I’ve been good but now… all I wanna do is mess around.” And then there’s something about messin with your head boy, by messin with you in bed. How do you follow up a positive, uplifting song about overcoming an obstacle (Learning to Breathe) with chanting on insecure girls in the race for “biggest slutbag ever”? Mixed messages much? Shouldn’t Avril be like…. 40 by now? Why is she singing about messing around when she’s married to the ugly short guy from SUM 41? Oh right. He’s the ugly short guy.
This little ditty was (of course) followed by Gaga’s “Born This Way.” You were born what way? Androgynous to the nth degree? Queen of the gays? Pretending to be an artistic individual when you’re really just a big fucking weirdo? Call me crazy, but I don’t think she was born that way. If wearing ridiculous clothes got you ignored and made your album sales go down, you wouldn’t keep doing the same things, Gaga. Soon dressing like a human will be her new “cutting edge” and people will tell her how fabulously evolving and creative she is. I’ve had reservations about Gaga ever since I saw her humping a plastic whale in a music video. Really? A plastic whale? Wtf?
Listening to the radio also reminds me of how much I hate DJ’s. Yes, I know your conversation isn’t adlibbed. You’re obviously reading a script, and a bad one at that. And what’s with women on the radio with obnoxiously deep voices? Is that supposed to be sexy? It’s really not doing anything for me. And the male DJ’s are just as bad. They sound like annoying pretentious frat boys saying things they think are supposed to be funny, but aren’t. AT ALL. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to a radio program and have said, “Wow this is a great DJ.” And that’s crazy, right? I can connect with bizarre music artist and writers (Fiona Apple, Marya Hornbacher)... I like random journalists (Colbert and Stewart). But DJ’s are all terrible. The only “radio” I can tolerate is something that is completely devoid of music. The point is, the radio blows, and so do DJ's. as do Avril and Gaga. Now if only I could get "Bad Romance" out of my head. AGAIN.

plant, shmant

2011-03-11T11:05:00.002-05:00

coming into work this morning, i put on "flight of the conchords... i told you i was freaky." so yes... it will be that kind of day. i have to be out on the plant floor this morning... meaning i will be absolutely terrified (moreso than i am now) of all the giant automated machines and i have to, like, stand next to them (or something). okay so i have absolutely no idea what i'm going to do on the plant floor. i mean what am i qualified to do in a plant? i can count things. possibly stack some crap (if they give me gloves). most likely i will be desperately trying to understand the german handyman when he tries to explain stuff to me in genglish. it doesn't help that i neither speak german, nor handyman. nor am i good around mechanical moving parts. that's why they stick me at a desk behind a computer with a calculator duct taped to my hand. what i'm really concerned about is that i don't think i can carry my coffee mug down there with me. how am i supposed to stay awake without a proper lethal injection of caffeine? that's right, i'm going to get sucked into the automatic plate squisher thing and come out all corrugated and shit. i am not ready to facilitate even fluid distribuition uniformly over my face. nor do i want a gasket for a headband. i mean it would be fine if they didn't punch holes around the exterior to lock it in place... but call me crazy, i don't want any (more) PERMANANT holes in my head.

several hours later...

so i lifted things and pushed the button on a drill. exciting.
the rest of my day will likely be tied up in learning company software. i am so rusty on fluid mechanics. i took that class in 2006... maybe fall of 2005. and i sold my book when i needed to pay my student loans and didn't have a job. whoops. Apparently I DID need to know that junk. Also, I heard someone use the term “joule thompson coefficient.” That’s just never good. Joule-thompson makes me think of Pchem, makes me think of perry’s chemical engineering handbook. Which I am thinking of buying on amazon just because I heard someone say “joule-thompson.”

I told you I was freaky.

dealio

2011-03-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

So I sit here typing on my new-fangled fancy shmancey computer at my new job. It's almost lunch time and I've gotten my second 15 minute break of the day. I arrived at 7:40 even though my job starts at 8 because i'm a nervous goody two shoes. Despite that, I've managed to find out that facebook is blocked. I guess my company has some semblance of how people waste time during work. Yes, I have gone from diligently writing blog posts at every bored moment, to having to write them during my lunch hour because it's the only free time I have. But I asked for this... I think.

Yesterday I was introduced to everyone in the office, like a normal first day. There was a lady with twilight posters all over her cubicle. You can change jobs, but Stephanie Meyer follows you EVERYWHERE. I met a few fun caricatures (i assume they can't be real people) yesterday. in addition to twilight cat lady, Liza Minnelli also works here. except she wears way more makeup and lower cut tops. i know, it's terrifying. she is (surprise, surprise) someone's secretary. i'm guessing her boss is a happily married man who wants to keep it that way. the socially awkward engineers are everywhere. I went to lunch with them and i think they said 3 words to me while watching ESPN the entire time and talking about how they don't really care about certain sports. I had a flashback to any sober engineer I've ever met. i guess having a girl in the group is rough on them. you know, me and my... ultra feminine wiles. like my gender neutral pants (PANTS not PARTS), button downs, and school marm shoes. it must be terribly distracting. so much so that everyone forgets how to speak.

OH. and the dorky white guy that is doing all of my product training says "dealio." like... "that's the dealio." seriously? what is wrong with you? it was never okay to say "dealio." Never. It’s the 10 things I hate about you dad all over again…. “I’m hip. I’m down with it. I have the 4-1-1. I don’t want you going out and getting jiggy with some guy, I don’t care how dope his ride is.” Okay, just give up now. Throw your hands over your head, snap your fingers, and dance like the white guy you are.
And that’s the dealio.

scientology sort of has the word "science" in it

2011-02-24T13:00:00.001-05:00

There was some interesting facebook debate in my own little internet sphere having a little something to do with religion. In honor of that, I’d like to talk/offer up some factoids about the oh-so-popular 20th century religion: Scientology.

Scientology has a human inventor. That’s right, this guy woke up one day and was like… I’d like to make a lot of money and invent a religion = BAM, scientology. I’d make myself a deity, but I just don’t think I’m cool enough to pull off that kind of thing… kind of like I can’t pull off certain style elements like the lesbian-Bieber haircut or leggings as pants. According to scientology doctrine, human beings are immortal creatures who have forgotten their true nature. Apparently, humans become spiritually rehabilitated by consciously re-experiencing painful or traumatic events in their pasts in order to free themselves of their limiting effects. Does that sound like therapy to anyone else? Or, maybe it’s not psychotherapy, but more like “intrusive hypnosis.” Creepy, right? BUT WAIT… it gets better.

“Further controversy has focused on Scientology's belief that souls ("thetans") reincarnate and have lived on other planets before living on Earth. Former members say that some of Hubbard's writings on this remote extraterrestrial past, included in confidential Upper Levels, are not revealed to practitioners until they have paid thousands of dollars to the Church of Scientology. Another controversial belief held by Scientologists is that the practice of psychiatry is destructive and abusive and must be abolished.”

Yes, that’s from wiki. Yes, how dare psychiatry give people drugs so that they can function like normal human beings? Enabling the dopamine deficient to have jobs and a life? HOW DARE THEY? I mean people should only be allowed to have jobs and provide for their families if they deserve it (like Tom Cruise). It’s obvious that his thetan is just so awesome from his past awesomeness on other planets that the awesomeness has carried over to this life. Because he didn’t sell sex to young women in order to have a career or anything… he makes that much money because he’s awesome. And making more money means being awesomer. Because Paris Hilton obviously deserves her wealth. Obviously.

I think you get the point… I couldn’t even bring myself to read the whole wiki article… because it was so… awesome.

hate the douche, not the game

2011-02-23T13:45:00.001-05:00

People that know me in real life know that I absolutely love soccer. I love playing, coaching, being around it… I even like to walk around with a ball between my feet all over the house because it makes me feel more comfortable. Yes, I know I’m weird. Now, what I DON’T love are the douches that non-soccer players see representing soccer… badly. It could be that douche you played against in coed with the lime green cleats, chains, earring, and horrible hair cut. It could be pretty boy Cristiano Ronaldo taking a dive for the billionth time. It could be a plane full of 13 year old boys on one soccer team that accompanied me from Phoenix to Baltimore who wouldn’t SHUT UP. Stereotype soccer douches DO exist… I admit it… but I can’t do anything about it. Just like I’m sure every woman in congress is all like… WHY does Sarah Palin have to have this job too?
You get me?

So here are some types of douches that “play” soccer but, in no way, represent fans of the sport or normal people that play:

1. I’m good because I have an accent - douche – you guessed it; he thinks he’s good… because he has an accent. Probably has an earring or even some frosted tips to go along with his awesomely bad colored cleats. He sounds kind of Italian-Frenchy-English. But it doesn’t matter what he says because he’s a total dick and thinks he has the right to scream at people based on his “European” accent (yeah, like the English accent Madonna has… SO. REAL.). This guy is obviously a Type A ball hog… one of those people who could actually play if they learned the concept of passing. Congratulations, you dribbled around 4 moms who have decided to try to kick a ball in an effort to lose baby weight. You’re fucking Ronaldhino, congrats.

2. I read a book on coaching once and now I’m a soccer coach – douche. Reading a book on skills in no way gives you the right to teach them incorrectly (seriously, can you just hire someone to demo?). Please stop polluting our youth and pretending that you know everything. Walking around in an expensive warm up does not make you a coach. This especially goes for college soccer coaches WHO HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY PLAYED SOCCER. Yes, women’s teams still get these coaches because apparently you don’t have to be qualified to coach a sport that doesn’t bring in the money that football and basketball do.

3. The biggest ball hog in the world - douche… you won’t find these people on high level teams because they don’t EXIST on high level teams. You don’t make teams if you’re an idiot that can’t pass. Most likely you’ll run into these douches because they’ll be on your coed team. They probably won’t pass to you because you’re a girl and they don’t want to look like a shmuck next to you. In fact, they never pass the ball. Ever - Unfortunately, passing takes technical skill and coordination. The ball hog probably has some technical skill – enough to make them think they can dribble around everyone all the time. BUT… it really doesn’t help anyone when you dribble past eight people (usually the same four, twice) and then cough up the ball in perfect position for a quick counter attack. Thanks, but no thanks. It only counts if you get it in the back of the net.

4. The “I foul the shit out of everyone but cry when I get fouled” douche… I know you know one. Pushy as all hell, but if they get tapped, it’s time to get out the stretcher. If you dish it out, learn how to take it. Girls are ESPECIALLY guilty of this. They will literally cuss you out if you use your body at all when they’ve been pulling your jersey for an entire game. There’s a difference between dirty play, and playing aggressive defense. I normally applaud people who play hard and do well… even if they are opponents. Deliberate diving is also inexcusable. Most people who have issues with soccer are people that have issues with divers. The HD cameras aren’t helping up-and-coming European actors at ALL.

That is not nearly all of them. This is an abridged list because I could go on forever. For everyone out there who might not be a soccer fan, hate the douche, not the game. The school soccer team is not necessarily composed of kids who were too awkward and scrawny to make the football team – some of us actually really love the game. And I know for a fact that there are way more douche-Steeler’s fans out there than douche American soccer fans. Seriously, think about it.

phone camera, camera phone

2011-02-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

Today I’d like to talk about why my phone sucks.

I don’t have a smart phone… I don’t even have a flippy out keyboard thing. I’m just too damn cheap. I still use T-9. I didn’t even have a texting plan until… less than 2 years ago. No, I am not kidding. Now, do I really NEED a bunch of cool shit on my phone? Probably not. Before I go anywhere, I usually have it meticulously planned out, so insta-GPS isn’t really an issue for me. When I’m not at work, I check facebook very rarely, if at all. I think I have “tweeted” twice in my life. Everybody else has a smart phone, so if I need the internet, I can just ask. I have a Kindle with permanent 3G connection (no, I don’t have to pay for the internet ever again). So, I don’t really need a better phone, right?

WRONG.

The photos this thing takes absolutely suck, and it’s ruining my life. I bought a new “shark” vacuum last night, wanted to show the world. 1.) Can’t post the picture directly on my Facebook from my playskool phone. 2.) The picture I took and texted to a select (elite) few was absolutely horrible; it made the shark look like an angry horseshoe crab.

Pretty much whatever I take a picture of, I get the text back, “what is that?” If only my phone camera worked… then I could take a picture of Fergie and get back the proper response, “Who’s that dude with long hair?” as opposed to, “Hey, pretty lady.” I tried to take a picture of some cheesy denim lingerie I found at Gabriel Brothers only to realize that the graininess of the photo completely lost the denim effect. “No, it’s not satin, it’s denim… like faded jeans denim… No I’m not buying it; it’s disgusting and looks uncomfortable. You really can’t tell that it’s denim?” And you can completely forget about trying to take a decent picture of your own butt (I just know, okay?)…

In a slightly similar but completely different situation… I’d really also like to have the feature that has a picture paired with the contact that pops up when you call someone. I accidentally called a college friend at 6am (pacific time) today instead of a test engineer that is supposed to be in the same building, a few floors away with the same name. Didn’t realize I had called the wrong guy until I heard the voicemail message. Good thing there was someone else there waiting for an answer and I almost put the phone on speaker. Darsh, Joy, darsh.

If you’ve learned anything from this post, it’s that I want a better camera on my phone. Not necessarily a better camera, or phone, but a better camera phone.
Thank you.

Black Swan

2011-02-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

I wanted to see it; I saw it; I don’t really know what happened – ish.

As a general rule, I love dance movies. The Company had absolutely no plot, but it did have dancing and James Franco so I loved it. Oh yeah, and Neve Campbell was in it, but I didn’t mind because there was little to no dialogue (and NO screaming… haha get it?).

I also love psychological thrillers. I’m an enginerd; it suits me. I like an introduction to the problem, then I let it marinate, and magically I come up with a distinct solution days later because apparently I think about stuff in my sleep. Or, more probably, I serendipitously apply someone else’s genius to the problem, and for some reason, it works. The more I thought about Black Swan, the more I liked it.

The main character, Nina, is a picture perfect ballerina. She is the easy pick for the ballet company’s production of Swan Lake… for the WHITE swan. The white swan is to be elegant, innocent, perfect, timid, and beautiful. Nina is inherently all of these things. Now, the BLACK swan… The black swan at one point in the ballet steals the white swan’s man with her wanton sexuality and spontaneity. The black swan isn’t just beautiful; she’s sexy, powerful, and free. The white swan takes comfort in her rules, her metered accomplishments; the black swan knows she is fantastic without them. Now, Nina is cast as the Swan Queen in Swan Lake, meaning she is to dance the Black and the White Swan. She has to be polar opposites from one act to the next. Sounds hard, right? It’s especially hard for Nina because she IS the white swan. Her overbearing mother is an integral part of her sheltered life. Nina is the hardest worker, the most technical dancer, the PERFECT ballerina. She is also a prepubescent, virginal queen of perfection – just as her mother requires her to be.

Now, in walks Lily (Mila Kunis), a new dancer in the company. She is the perfect dancer for (guess what) the Black Swan. Lily is Nina’s complete antithesis; bawdy, loud, imprecise… FREE. Yet, she is still somehow a beautiful dancer. Nina becomes increasingly paranoid that Lily is trying to replace her. However, Nina discovers that she DOES have a little bit of Black Swan in her: her sexual awakening, her rebellion against her mother… at one point the director of the ballet makes a pass at her and she bites him. Like, get off of me now, you creep, grrrrrrrrr.

Now, I won’t give away the whole movie because it’s really worth seeing, but I would like to discuss the duality in which Nina finds herself trapped. I see her duality as a metaphor for societal expectations of women. She is either a pure, virginal snow flake, or she is a Jenna Jamison. She cannot be both at once… she cannot be somewhere in the middle. She has to change to be either one or the other, and a battle constantly rages inside her. She wants to be perfect, but she also wants to be free. According to these definitions, this “black” or “white” swan, she cannot be both.

And, why not? Balance is healthy, but boring. And Nina has learned that she must never, ever be boring, oh no. If she is boring, she isn’t the best. And if she isn’t the best, she is not worth loving. It is this ideal that has the potential to destroy her. Nina is willing – for the sake of a “perfect” performance. So she’s going to kill her body, mind, and spirit – all to dance in front of an audience and have them applaud her. What was it all for? Why hasn’t anyone told her that she is more valuable than every perfect performance (ever) combined?

I encourage you to tell the next “perfect” girl that stumbles into your life that she IS valuable for who she is – not how much better she is than everyone else at a certain thing.

Just tell your zebra-striped swan that she is beautiful even though she isn't monochromatic. Capiche?

it's raining blizzards

2011-02-03T12:14:00.000-05:00

This is a commentary about that one guy we all hate, because he’s a dirty, dirty liar: your local weatherman (or woman). Yes, the weatherman that looks like transvestite. Just kidding, that was my last attempt at being politically correct today (you’ve been warned).

Think about it: dude can be wrong 90% of the time yet still remain gainfully employed. Why would you tell me we are going to get a snow/ice storm when it’s freaking raining? WHY? Why you gotta ruin my snow day I already had planned after you uttered the words “snow” and “potential” in the same sentence? Once in awhile I’d like a heartfelt apology from the guy with really white teeth, disturbingly awkward hand gestures and no soul. You can’t say “next week” and “blizzard” anymore when it’s going to RAIN. I haven’t had a single snow day this winter. And I’m probably not going to get one. You know why?

Yes, that’s right; the meteorologist is about as reliable as Will Ferrell movies - You never know what you’re going to get. What is the qualification to be a weatherman? You must be able to read and gesticulate? Sign here. I guess it’s a step up from being an NFL analyst. They can’t talk, read, draw straight lines, or circle things.

And the news anchors always start out okay-looking but then morph into these bad-dye jobs with Botox faces. Would you just age like a normal human being? Is that a side effect of waking up at 3am to do 5 or 6am news every day - Your face resembles a flesh tone version of the Saw mask?

I actually don’t hate meteorologists. I hate how they pretend they know shit but can’t tell me whether or not I can have a freaking deck party outside. Or when, for the love of God, I will FINALLY get a snow day. I'm going to start telling time by the sun and predicting the weather by looking at the sky. "What if it's dark outside?" you say. I say I don't need to be anywhere specific at night nor will I have I night outdoor deck party because I'm boring. HA!

what's in a name?

2011-01-27T13:32:00.000-05:00

It’s easy to talk shit about famous people, because, well, there’s new dirt on the E! Channel about them every five minutes. They have money and stuff so, we, the masses, feel it is our patriotic duty to point out how flawed they are in their characters. Because if you can’t talk about how moronic someone who has money is, you might get disappointed that you work twenty times as hard and in 7 lifetimes could never match their yearly income. We care about ourselves enough to level the playing field with some kind of arbitrary moral slander. Yes, that’s how I’ll feel better about the amount of money those Jersey Shore douchebags make. So, in the spirit of making narrow minded generalizations about people I don’t even know, here is… CELEBRITY ADJECTIVES:

Think of someone famous (yes, now, GO). Now, think of the one word you would use to describe that person. Let me guess, you picked something with a really negative connotation. Just kidding, that was me. Now imagine that instead of using that adjective in normal speech, the celebrity’s name is used in place of that adjective, adverb, whatever. Ready?

Helena Bonham Carter = crazy
Paris Hilton = idiotic
~~Ronald McDonald~~ Selena Gomez = pedophile
Wayne Brady = white
Cast of the Jersey Shore = douchebag
Harry Potter = awesome
Taylor Swift = tone-deaf
Bruno Mars = odd looking
Michael Jackson = dead
Dwight Shrute = bizarre and creepy
Anthony Hopkins = pleasant
Kate Gosslin = bad haircut

Here's a short story using celebrity adjectives:
Ah, coworkers. Half of them are Helena Bonham Carter, the other half are Paris Hilton. Why do I have to work in an all Wayne Brady environment? Don’t get me wrong, my boss is Harry Potter and there are some Anthony Hopkins people. But the Dwight Shrute Selena Gomez ruins it for everyone. Not only is this person Bruno Mars, but a complete and total Cast of the Jersey Shore. And the guy with the Kate Gosslin that sings out loud while he’s wearing headphones? Taylor Fucking Swift. Sometimes I wish I were Michael Jackson, but then I remember Micheal Jackson guys don’t get paid.

joy's guide to beers and the menstrual cycle

2011-01-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

A lot of women crave chocolate pre-period. I used to. But now, I crave beer. Beer, beer, BEER!

Day 1 of my cycle: porter. Dark, filling, relaxing, comforting, malty, semi-sweet, smile-worthy porter. I’m feeling dark, but not murderous – so no stout for me today, my friends. It’s also like 2 degrees outside, so I’d like a winter beer to sip by the fire while chillin in my snuggy. Unfortunately, we don’t have a fireplace, so I’ll have to settle for a screen saver while sitting beside a portable heater. Luckily, God created Lancaster Brewing Company and gave us Shoo Fly Porter (and a kegerator).

Day 2: I’m feeling worse. Like, higher ABV please, worse. Time to go for a bottled Dogfishead that packs a serious punch. Something smooth and over 10%. Something weird I haven’t tried before, ever. Something to make me forget I have 30+ years until menopause. Good god.

Day 3: Still feeling like shit. Shut up and give me a gin and tonic.

Day 4: MUCH better. So much better I’m in the mood for a bock. Not just ANY bock, a Sam Adam’s double bock. Double your bock, double your fun. It’s described as a “meal in a bottle.” It sure is.

Day 5: I want a twofer. That’s right, layer me, bitches. I would like a double chocolate stout layered with strawberry wheat (both LBC beers) to make chocolate strawberry layered awesomeness. It’s a liquid beer chocolate truffle. You want one, you just don’t know it yet. I’d also take a New Belgium Ale Frambozen. But I’d take that any time, day or night. At work or home by myself watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta. ANY. TIME.

Day 6: Almost feeling normal. What beer do I want when I’m feeling normal? Probably a Yuengling. I am from Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania. Sometimes I wish I was from CO so my “normal” could be a Fat Tire.

Day 7: This calls for a celebration. What says celebration better a creamy delicious milk shake? And what’s better than a celebration beer milk shake? That’s right, nothing. Murphy’s Irish Stout Please, extra milk-shakey. Screw the pint glass, fill up this growler, and I’ll be on my way.

And, THAT, ladies, is how you get through the worst week of the month. You’re welcome.

Time to write a better article

2011-01-20T08:18:00.000-05:00

First things first… check out the article titled “Golden Globes Fashion: 5 Stars Who Looked Fat and 5 Who Looked Fit” from Time magazine online.
Read more: http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2042794_2042792_2042788,00.html #ixzz1BZpb9jBR

There’s not a lot of reading; just ten pictures and some high school put-downs for dresses worn to the Golden Globes (yep, all the people on this list are WOMEN). Now we’ve all heard of Joan Rivers critiquing red carpet looks… I’ve even watched J Manuel on E! host “Fashion Police.” I mean, I guess I can understand people liking different dresses from a style standpoint; everyone likes what they like. But when it comes to the senseless bashing of women who never get a freaking break from critics anyway… Nope. No one on this red carpet looks fat. I don’t care WHAT she’s wearing, she does NOT look fat. Not only that, but what, exactly, is “wrong” with not looking like an idiot stick figure with no soul (Megan Fox)? These starlets aren’t obese. They’re not even close. Their BMI’s are probably on the very low side of healthy, if they’re even that high. What does “fat” even mean anymore? If you’re politically correct, you’ll say “unhealthy.” If you’re oblivious, you’ll say “lazy,” “unhappy,” or “unsuccessful.” In Hollywood, fat means bigger than a size 0. Weight loss gimmicks tell us fat means you’re probably a mean and grumpy-ass person and, goddammit, you’re just not trying hard enough.

And “fit.” Fit means… impossibly tiny, toned, and smiling. Fit means you take CARE of yourself. Fit means you care about your Health. Fit means Portia De Rossi at the height of Ally McBeal giving an interview on how she stays “fit” to a “health” magazine while she’s eating 300 calories a day and going Batshit Crazy.

Time magazine. Really?

You couldn’t title it “no-one-we-care-about’s opinion on who looked good and who didn’t at the Golden Globes”? Because, really, who the eff is Charla Krupp? I don’t think that J.Lo looks remotely matronly. Or that she’s wearing a wedding dress again. Jennifer Love Hewitt looking top-heavy? What are you SMOKING? Did this woman just call Heidi Klum FAT? Are you fucking kidding me? I think Christina looks very Hollywood, curvy, and attractive. And Helena Bonham Carter doesn’t look fat; she looks insane, like she always does. There’s a reason she was cast as Bellatrix Lestrange. If you’re going to criticize people on the red carpet, can you at least talk about the freaking DRESS? Did anyone ever think that sometimes people pick what they LIKE and WANT to wear, not what makes them look rail thin or invisible? I thought fashion was supposed to be wearable art. You know, art… the medium where people break the rules. But, who I am kidding? You’re only allowed to break rules if you’re “fit.” Heaven forbid you’d dare to be yourself.

one liners

2011-01-19T10:26:00.000-05:00

Raise your hand if you think ke$ha is one of the lolcats dressed up as crack-whore Lindsay Lohan.

Remember when everyone thought the Olsen twins were Hobo-chic with all their crazy layered outfits? They were really just cold.

If liking Kenny Powers is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

I don’t know who’s scarier: Liza Minnelli or Dick Clark?

The published “unabridged” journals of Sylvia Plath are totally abridged. Someone took out the happy parts.

Yesterday at work I skipped ethics training for a hair appointment… I mean “doctor” appointment.

They should call “Hooters” what it really is… “Chicks with makeup caked on sporting B-cups in push up bras serving wings.”

If it ain’t broke, Chuck Norris can definitely break it.

Why does Kanye West like the same color palette as Professor Umbridge?

The Kardashians should stick to “accidentally” releasing porn because they’re less annoying that way.

Nickelback is the new Creed and I hope they both pull a Leonard Skynard.

Birthday Mash-Up Dance Mix

2011-01-18T13:13:00.000-05:00

Go Shawty, it’s MY Birthday, and even though It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to, I’m no Medieval Woman, just Free. Free Fallin - Like a G6 because I Want It That Way. I’m going to Dance (dance) Like it’s the Last (last) Night of my Life (life) – so you can Raise Your Glass if you want to Celebrate Good Times, Come On! I’ma Walk Like an Egyptian; you can do the Humpty Hump. Just don’t Break Ya Neck because I Am Not the Doctor. Now I since I’m a Brick House Dancing Queen, I’ll give you a tip: you Can’t Fight the Moonlight. So strap on your Blue Swede Shoes and Back that Thang up cuz we’re Born to Be Wild and you gotta cut loose, Footloose, sometimes.
Do do do do do … just DANCE.

:o)

perfectionism is a bitch

2011-01-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

I wonder if people at work conclude every time they see me on Monday morning that something unbelievably tragic must have happened to me over the weekend. I hate Mondays THAT much. Most of the time, I am ok with my job. Yes, it’s boring. Yes, sometimes it’s slow. BUT: a.) I have a job. b.) it pays the imaginary bills I have along with the real life impulse purchases. So why am I absolutely convinced that I need a different job that I would actually LIKE to wake up and go to (usually only on a Monday)? It’s a job. That’s why it’s called a “job” and not happy- fun- this- is- your- life- and- you- get- paid- for- it-time. One time I asked my (ex) therapist if she liked going to work every single day and she said, “Joy, I LOVE going to work every day.” Who likes going to work every day? Oh right, those people who have “PhD’s” in “psychology” and are shitty therapists that tell me how great and right I am all the time (if I wanted to hear that, I’d go to my own fan club meetings). I didn’t have the heart to tell her how much she sucked. Maybe that’s why she loves going to work every day. If we all did what we wanted and not what we’re “supposed” to do, would we actually be able to find a way to make money at it and survive?

Well… I guess I like to write, paint, wear snappy casual work attire, do math problems, teach, read, jog, play soccer, and create avatars on various gaming systems. Now, how many of these things would I start to hate if they were my “job”? Would I like writing if I had to do it every day on a deadline? Well, I used to like to write papers in college because it was a change of pace from engineering classes where the professor never spoke English and scribbled Greek letters all over the board. Writing a good paper was like solving a puzzle. But if I had to write, on command, all the time, would I like it? I think if I wrote TOO often I’d get sick of my own words just like after I look at some of my paintings for the billionth time I decide they are pretty damn mediocre if not just BAD. I like math but I’m not Euclid Will Hunting. Where does that attitude come from? If I’m not astonishing at it, it’s not worth doing. Way too many pursuits die this way. When did I develop this complex? Where is the spunky, ballsy little gingersnap that was proud of absolutely everything she did? Who was the first person who told me to sit down and shut up? More importantly, can I key his or her car and slash the tires? Did anyone ever tell me, “Don’t express yourself unless you’re good enough at it”?

Being “good” at something means mastering perfection – add the phrase “anything worth doing is worth doing well” to that and it concocts a brew I’ve been drinking for almost 25 years. Perfect placement of your fingers and perfect bow technique = nice sounding violin. Perfect test scores = opportunities for Ivy League greatness. Perfect varied sentence structure, the right punctuation, and the obnoxious use of superfluous vocabulary = a “6” on the GRE writing section. Perfect attendance means you’re perseverant. Perfect looking means impossibly thin. And if you’re not perfect, you’re not trying hard enough. Does it EVER end?

and the dundie goes to...

2011-01-13T08:05:00.002-05:00

If they really gave out dundies (google it) in my office, these are some of the “accomplishments” people would be awarded for…

the jerkwad award. now i know, this could go to anyone, but i saved it for the special jerkwad that used to be a new york cop but now works in "sales." he constantly involves himself in other people's projects because the "sales" people don't really do... anything but get in the engineers' way. this man has actually been enough of a jerkwad that i've walked out of his office mid-sentence in order to avoid getting doused with douche.

“way to smoke and get half-days everyday” award. you smokers get half days. every second you turn around somebody is going out for a "smoke break." i'm going to start taking my smoke breaks. the last 20 years of your life are the ones you want to get rid of anyway, right?

“i always give people the wrong answer” award. you know there's at least one person in your office who you won't ask for anything... because one time you believed him or her and it cost you a shit ton of time and a migraine. a few months go by and you think, "let's try this again, maybe this person isn't an idiot." don't fall for it; it's a dirty lie. you're better off wiki-ing anything and asking someone you trust who knows nothing about your question. seriously.

the ex-con award. come on... lots of tattoos. bloodshot eyes. hours of "drafting" that they don't really do. "projects" that should take five minutes but take 3 weeks instead... because they are too busy with their... you know.. parole officers?

The “you can see my chest hair” award. Seriously, you can see that guy’s chest hair. And it’s not because he’s a hairy freak, it’s because he unbuttons his shirt 3 buttons too many. you are not a D list celebrity's attractive, gay, dance partner on "dancing with the stars." creeper.

The hall monitor award. The dude that never does any work, just chats, with everyone in the office, all day. He’s got a fancy job title, but you can’t tell what he ACTUALLY does. And you know he has work to do because you asked him to do shit and he hasn’t done it. You will never find him in his office. He is either at the vending machine, water cooler, getting coffee, heating something up in the microwave, in the bathroom, or talking to someone else who is actually trying to work. The best place to look for this guy is anywhere but his office. Good luck getting away though; he has perfected the art of conversation entrapment. Unless you want to look like a complete asshole, there really is no way out.

a round of applause for all of our award recipients...

Rogue Rouge (some bad ass lipstick)

2011-01-06T08:39:00.000-05:00

Words that sound sort of the same that you should take extra care not to mix up because their meanings are vastly different:

Gestapo/ gazpacho: Nazis/tomato soup
Pediatric/ pedantic: branch of medicine pertaining to children/fastidious in terms of knowledge, pretentious
North Jersey/South Jersey: Guido, king douche/ normal like Pennsylvania
Proctologist/proctor: ass doctor/ teachers who who tried to make sure you didn't cheat when they walked around during the SAT's
Obvious/oblivious: ke$ha sucking/ people not having any idea she sucks because it’s “catchy”
Thespian/lesbian: an actor/ a girl who likes girls in real life, not just when she’s drunk and there are douches around
Sanguinary/sanguine: bloody blood blood/ cheerful
Statue/ statute: Michelangelo’s David/ law (this was thoroughly discussed on a Seinfeld episode)
Equestrian/ Episcopalian : think horses/ think Protestant
Regal/ Smeagol: Queen of England/ Gollum
Meticulous/ matriculate: showing attention to detail/ enroll in that soul sucking social debacle we call “college”
Dementor/demented: black, hooded, soul sucking creature (muggles can’t see them)/ Bellatrix Lestrange
Tramp / tramp stamp: homeless person, roamer/ tattoo on lower back indicating someone is DTF
PMS/PTSD: pre-menstrual syndrome/ post traumatic stress disorder (soldiers coming back from war do not have PMS)
Marathon/ 5K: 26.2 miles/ 3.1 miles. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Sevigny/ sauvignon: as in chloe sevigny, an actress/ type of wine
T. Swift/T. Pain: “it’s a love story, baby just say yeeeesssss”/ “apple bottom jeans, boots with the fuuuurrrr”
Rouge/rogue: red/ Sarah Palin went there
Uruguay/ You are Gay: country in south America/ you are a happy homosexual

I’m sure I will revisit this in the future, but for now, a ce soir. I mean…. Arrivederci?

Bringing Bowl Cuts Back

2011-01-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

That was sarcastic. Maybe. Everyone else was saying it, so I felt like I should say it too.

Ever feel like you cried a lot when it wasn’t warranted? (Do you have a vagina?) Sometimes I feel like I am absolutely bananas when I do this. Crying… from a movie? I’ve cried from a book, but that’s a little more involved.

Here are some of the movies I’ve cried over:

1. “Into the Wild” last night. Damn that Emile Hirsch.
2. “New Moon,” twice. I understand how it feels to be left by the vampire that you love (or something).
3. “The Green Mile.” Why did Jon Coffee have to get the chair?
4. “A League of Their Own.” I got really pissed when Kit won instead of Dottie. LAME.
5. “Atonement.” I was pretty pissed when I found out everyone actually died and that little blonde bitch made the whole thing up.
6. “Down With Love,” a few years ago… that movie is seriously terrible. “I wasted eight bucks on this movie and I’ll never get it back” – terrible.
7. “Open Your Eyes.” The foreign original “Vanilla Sky.” It is about a billion times better than the American version.
8. “Meet Joe Black” when I was a young teen and could like a horrendous, unwatchable (with sound) 3 hour movie based on Brad Pitt being in the movie. You’d think the chick would feel dirty after she figured out she had sex with Death… I guess when Death looks like Brad Pitt, the “creepy” turns into “mysterious.”
9. “The Land Before Time.” (I think they all made me cry).
10. “Bambi.” Yes I realize the irony and I still love deer baloney.

So there's some (almost) proof that I am, in fact, female. Shocking, I know. I'm bringing bowl cuts back.

zumba around the roomba

2010-12-23T09:27:00.000-05:00

I went to my second Zumba class last night… and it was AMAZING. It’s high energy club-like booty-shakin’ without feeling self conscious (while you’re SOBER). It’s like going to a club but you don’t have to worry about skeezy guys trying to hit on you. And you aren’t the only person in the club dancing so hard you’re sweating (I have this problem in a lot of situations). All ages, all shapes and sizes were taking the class – not just skinny bitches with fake tans and bellybutton rings wearing sports bras without shirts (now that I think about it, the only people just wearing bras were 12 year old dancers). I would’ve loved to see a throwback to the 80’s… some thong leotards over spandex shorts or something… a girl can dream.

I was, however, completely blown away by the plethora of "zumba" gear. Zumba shirts, zumba tanks, zumba pants, zumba shoes.. and the hardcore zumba-ers... they own all of these things.. ALL OF THEM. Maybe I can understand one or two items... but I swear some people have them all. It's kind of like buying Ryan Hall's exact wardrobe to run in place in your basement. Or Lance-Armstrong-yourself-out to ride around the block. I feel like these are the same people who are staring at the entire class out of the corner of their eyes trying to make sure that they do everything better than all the grandmas and 12 year olds that show up and aren't hardcore enough for them. I like to go because i just love to dance. tricked out zumba chicks like to go because apparently it's a competition. some bizarro woman boxed me out so that she could get the right view of the instructor for her billionth class, while i (who have only been to the class once before) had to crane my neck to see what the hell was going on. because no matter how much zumba chick shakes her ass to the beat, it's obvious what's learned and what's god given ass shaking ability. the instructor has rhythm and talent; zumba chick has shit with "zumba" on it. i'd rather watch the person that knows how to dance to try to pick things up. i was once a "gym person" for 8 months, then i got over it. i detest gym rats. they remind me of roided out douches and sad, hungry girls that eliptical their bodies away until they look like 12 year old boys. so, for as annoying as zumba chick is, i'd rather encounter this person while i'm having fun than when i'm waiting for a machine at the gym and she's being a major bitch by ignoring the specified cardio time limit because she ate a fucking donut yesterday. so... good for zumba chick. at least she got off the treadmill with her calorie count on the screen and got on the dance floor where other people seem to be having a good time. maybe it'll rub off on her and she'll realize exercise isn't something you "have" to do, but something healthy that makes you feel good. oh right, the point of this is that zumba is really fun and the ratio of douchebags is way less than in a normal group fitness setting. so even if you hate gyms (like me), it's a good way to actually have fun and work out.

you're a mean one... ginga grinch

2010-12-13T13:19:00.000-05:00

Just call me the ginger Grinch. Does anyone else find receiving corporate holiday greeting cards from vendors at work totally bizarre? Hey, card sender, you got our business because you gave us the lowest quote, not because I like you. The greeting card doesn’t make me like you more either. Obviously, you HAD to sign it. I got one from my employer in the mail too, which was nice, but totally unnecessary. Just give me the dollar you spent on the card, really. It’s not like you’re going to get a fun, bedazzled Christmas card from a temp agency. Sorry, not happening. The only redeeming quality of any corporate card is glitter (and maybe some kind of pop-out mechanism). Let’s look at the facts:

1.) The envelope might have your name on it, but the card isn’t at all personal. These are people you have talked to on the phone, almost hung up on, and cursed a blue streak about to anyone within earshot. Your company just happened to spend millions of dollars buying their products worldwide last year.

*Joy opens card at work* “Hey, look, that fuck Joe from _______ sent us a shitty Christmas card. I really hate that guy.”

2.) “Season’s greetings!” isn’t personal. I know it’s politically correct... but really, what’s the point? You don’t even know me. If you did, you’d know I only celebrate Festivus and National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

3.) Out of all the people that sign your card, you recognize two names(at most). Just how many cards do companies send out? Is THAT why they’re so expensive? You need to allot time for everyone to sign a card with an ugly ass wreath on it? Sometimes you just wish people would do their jobs the first time you ask instead of sending you cookies when mid-December rolls around. Like I’m going to say… “Wow that vendor was really horrible but they sent us awesome Christmas cookies. Let’s waste a couple thou on them again!” (Because the cookies are obviously worth that much). Plus, when cookies are actually good at work, you get like half of a crumbly one because other people that stalk the hallways for food will eat them all before you get there. Things that are left out for awhile and not eaten… well let’s just say they must be large paperweights shaped like cookies, because drafters will eat anything they can swallow.

Well, there you have it. Don’t send me an impersonal company Christmas card when we're not even facebook friends. Yeesh.

a good lynching

2010-12-10T07:46:00.000-05:00

Last night, I went to see Stephen Lynch at Penn State York with a few friends. For those of you that have never heard of him… he’s a comedian that sings/ plays guitar/ piano… like Adam Sandler but doesn’t sing in that reh-tard voice (and is way less annoying). The first time I watched a Stephen Lynch DVD I was less than impressed, not because it wasn’t funny, but because giggling drunks kept telling me what was going to happen before it happened. I know; it would’ve ruined it for anybody. Last night however, I was pleasantly surprised. My face hurt at the end of the night from laughing so much.

There were jokes about Christopher Reeve, special Ed, and a whole bunch of other stuff you probably shouldn’t laugh at in public, but it’s dark in a theatre, so you do it anyway. Poor Christopher Reeve… the only guy that EVER gets made fun of that was paralyzed is the guy that played Superman. What can I say... people dig irony. As for the “special Ed” humor, I was technically in “special Ed” in public school (yes, I was “gifted), so I’m allowed to laugh at that joke too. Stephen opened with a song about “queer tattoos” (a tramp stamp isn’t a “queer tattoo,” it’s a “whore tattoo”) and closed with “Purple Rain.” Yes, Prince “Purple Rain.” Apparently that happens when you mix red rain and blue rain together (that’s what Stephen said in his version of the song). Maybe it was hearing a melodramatic do-wop song about “Peanuts” (yep, Charlie Brown), the little ditty about “Guitar up the Ass Man” (he’s a superhero), or some douches getting called out in the audience for being “heckling cunts,” but it was pretty fantastic. I hate the c-word and I got lynched into saying it just now. And I don’t know what inspired the “I think my girlfriend is a Nazi” song, but what’s funnier than Nazis? And randomly shouting out “AIDS!”? Overall… a great time and I’d highly recommend catching him live if you can.

PURPLE RAIN, PURPLE RAIN!

LeBron's Loyalty

2010-12-03T08:04:00.000-05:00

Okay… so I just read another article about LeBron… about how all the negativity people are giving him should be directed at everyone that displays the same professional selfishness. Because other athletes never do anything for themselves, just this LeBron character. Excellent point. I, for one, am not an NBA fan. I watch March Madness like any other sport-loving person, but the NBA? Just not my thing. But I do, however, feel the need to weigh in on this issue as a former athlete and a coach.

I don’t, in any way, think that LeBron deserves to be chastised for leaving Cleveland. So he got his start there… okay. Why does that mean he owes the city his eternal loyalty? Say he started going through a tough time in his personal life and his athletic performance became NBA average (or… gasp… even poor) instead of all LeBron-like. Would they be singing his praises and keeping their loyalty in him if they lost games due to his inadequacies? Um, I think not. Let’s be honest. Cleveland needed LeBron to stay because he made them money. People are pissed that he left because they no longer get the money he brings in. It’s not about loyalty or “what he owes to the people.” Athletes are playing the survival game, just like everybody else. They want to be the best, do what they can to elevate themselves over every other player. When someone makes a career decision so that he can get what needs and be a BETTER player, he’s being everything we’ve taught a professional athlete to be. Granted, it looks like shit when somebody flicks the people off that pay him. But how did they really pay him? He’s getting paid LESS to play with Miami… be one of the stars instead of THE star. And that’s selfish? Wanting to be on the best team that he can be on for the sake of winning championships? Are. You. Kidding? That’s like the parents who bitch at the best kid on their club soccer team because he or she left go play for a better team. Where is the respect for the athlete? If you really care about one of your athletes, you wish them the best. You want them to go on, do well, be the best player they can be. Anything less is a waste of their potential. It’s a “cowardly betrayal” to leave where you grew up, where you make more money and it’s safe and comfortable… to go somewhere that can actually take you to the next level? Please. I see this from the athlete’s point of view… you do the best you can to make sure you’re at the right place for your career. You HAVE to. Otherwise, you don’t make it in professional sports.

P.S. have you ever BEEN to Cleveland? It sucks.

turquoise tuesday

2010-11-30T09:51:00.004-05:00

Black Friday.
I came. I saw. I conquered. I accidentally bought a front-load steam washing machine and a golden Calvin Klein skirt suit I will probably never wear. Anybody else accidentally buy stuff on black Friday? Okay, the washer was a good purchase. It has a flippin’ STEAM function.
My sister: “What exactly is a steam function?”
Joy: “I don’t know Adam sold me on it. Adam, what’s the steam function do?”
Adam: “Eh… I don’t know.”
Joy: “D’oh.”
Well, whoops. Well, we DID get a $1200 dollar display model appliance for half price… only to find out that Best Buy sold it like $15 cheaper for a brand new model.
Double “D’oh.”
The various other Black Friday purchases were mostly gift cards. And obviously, you aren’t getting a deal on a gift card… which is super duper lame when I think about it. There’s absolutely no chance of buying a gift card on “clearance.” Hm. Maybe I’ll go back to buying people shit they don’t want b/c it’s cheaper.
Oh yes, the golden Calvin Klein skirt suit. It’s beautiful and professional… one button jacket, fits perfectly. I would wear it if I worked in a city where dressing for cute corporate America is appropriate. Instead, I work here… where people buy the ugliest redwings they can find and strap em’ on. That sounded dirty. I work here… where “jean day” means wear a denim shirt, too. Here… where elastic pants covered in powdered sugar and coffee stains can pass for “business casual.” So maybe I don’t have anywhere to wear it. But I got it 75% off original price, which is totally the point anyway.

You know you're a lab nerd when...

2010-11-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

Problem: What is the most effective way to waste time at work without being perceived as “lazy?”

Hypothesis: If I had any friggen idea, I’d be doing that. So, I guess that makes the hypothesis section moot.

Materials (This is a list of everything in my cubicle):
Phone
Stapler
Colored Folders
Post it Notes
Writing utensils
Tape
Filing Cabinets
3 Chairs
Computer/ Internet Connection
Trash Can
Safety shoes/ earplugs/ safety glasses
One quart of POE oil from United Refrigeration
Me
My purse/ phone/ credit card
Dundie
Extensive paper clips and notebooks
Lots and lots of work files
White out (both kinds)
My 8 way adjustable sweet office chair

Procedure:
1. Perform time wasting activity.*
*The time wasting activities involved in this experiment include:
1. Call people on my work phone (a cell phone is way too obvious)
2. Create an art masterpiece with the “free” office supplies
3. French braid my hair into pigtails
4. Christmas shopping
5. Stare at the walls of my cubicle while plotting against the corporate world and all of its ideals
6. Plan my post work activities for the next two weeks (on an excel spreadsheet so it looks like I’m doing something)
7. Migrate between the bathroom, the break room, my dad’s office, my boss’s office, and my own cubicle
8. Waste time reading/playing games on the internet

2. Observe and record the reactions of co-workers and bosses while performing said activity.
3. Observe and record the amount of time that has been wasted per activity.
4. Assess the level of fun versus the level of practicality of the activity.
5. Calculate the probability that anyone important in the office will notice I am not doing anything productive.

Pre-Lab Generalizations & Notes:

Activity 1: Takes no more than 20 minutes. However, I feel like most people can tell I’m on a personal call when I’m talking to my nephews. Methinks co-workers notice, especially when I make funny noises to get a giggle out of small children. Can’t call my therapist or gyno because it gets way too weird when I think people are “listening” to my conversation. Insurance or banking calls are fine as long as I don’t have to reveal my various medical conditions or my debit pin #. But, there is a limit to this. There are only so many personal calls I can make before people just tell me to shut the eff up.

Activity 2: No specific time constraints. Getting the supplies is not an issue. In fact, it usually makes me look busier when I get up and down and come back with a lot of office supplies. BUT, if anyone happens to SEE the art project, I am totally screwed. How do I explain a life-size paperclip mosaic of myself?

Activity 3: Probably 15 minutes. Again, I don’t really want anyone to SEE that I am not doing work to braid my hair. However, it does eat up time, plus it makes me cuter.

Activities 4 & 8: No time constraints. However, I have gotten caught playing Facebook scrabble, g-chatting, and writing my blog by people that could probably fire me. It’s a dangerous game. And I am not normally fast enough with the minimize to get rid of the evidence. I’m also worried that someone will actually monitor my internet usage. Just…. Yikes. Plus I do this all the time anyway. I need other ideas that are way less obvious. Like typing my blog in a word document instead of in the Google blog editor. BOOOOOYYAAAAAAA

Activity 5: Not bad. I can take notes and look productive. Meanwhile it’s not like I’m obviously doing something I’m not supposed to be doing. Staring at the wall is acceptable because I could be “thinking”; checking twitter is not.

Activity 6: Like I need another OCD tendancy.

Activity 7: I do this all the time anyway so I don’t think it counts.

Experiment to be conducted over a long period of time so as not to arouse suspicion. Stay tuned for the “Data/ Observations, Results, and Conclusion” sections. Sketch of experiment set up also to be incorporated.

potter-isms decoded

2010-11-22T07:17:00.002-05:00

i wasn't going to do this.. but since my last post was a little "out there," i'm giving references that were the basis of every potterism so you know i'm not a total reh-tard.

save a horse; ride a cowboy (it's a song, duh)
dogs are people too (from the gynmastics hit, "stick it")
diamonds are a girl's best friend (song)
virginia is for lovers (state motto)
jesus is my homeboy (t-shirt slogan)
make love, not war (hippie saying)
i smell sex and candy.... yeah; (who's that loungin.... in my chaaaiiirrrr something something this surely is a dreammmm.. yeahhhh) (marcy's playground lyrics)
love is a battlefield (pat benatar)
"if at first you don't succeed, lower your standards." (Homer J. Simpson)
nobody likes a percy (i don't know what this is mimicking but it's something)
team voldemort (from the office; it's funny)
steven soderbergh's sex, lies, and videotape (moviiie)
got milk? (duh)
float like a butterfly, sting like a bee (muhammed ali)
eeeaassssayyyy... easayyy like sunday mornin' (song)
just do it. (nike slogan)
impossible is nothing. (adidas slogan)
i'm slim shady, yes the real slim shady, all you other slim shadys are just imitating (eminem)
snakes on an plane (samuel L. mother-f-ing jackson)
sex on the beach (drinky drink)
no child left behind program (george bush. sorry)
a-kuna-matata... it's a wonderful phrase (the lion king)
escape from alcatraz (i think it was a movie?)
don't talk to strangers (ever PSA on getting stolen in the mall and chopped up by a psycho)
seriously? (homage to grey's anatomy)

yeah, i know, wow.

potter-isms

2010-11-19T11:47:00.000-05:00

absolutely everything is better with a little harry potter in it:

save a firebolt; ride a thestral
hypogriffs are people too
dragons are a girl's best friend
hogwarts if for lovers
ron weasley is my homeboy
make aurors, not deatheaters
i smell amortentia and chocolate frogs.... yeah; (who's that loungin.... in my chaaaiiirrrr something something this surely is a dreammmm.. yeahhhh)
love is a wizarding duel
if at first you don't succeed, lower your standards and open a joke shop in Diagon Alley.
nobody likes a percy
team voldemort
steven soderbergh's unforgivable curses, polyjuice potions, and pensieves
got butterbeer?
float like a dementor, sting like a... stinging hex?
eeeaassssayyyy... easayyy like wingardium leviosa
just dumbledore it.
inferius is nothing.
i'm the grey lady, yes the real grey lady, all you other grey ladies are just imitating
snakes on an owl
potions on the beach
no half-giant left behind program
avadakedavra... it's a wonderful phrase
escape from azkaban
don't talk to lestranges
siriusly?

dexter has batman beat by a mile

2010-11-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

do we have any dexter fans here?

yeah, me too. so, yes, the main character is a serial killer. sounds weird, right? it kind of is sometimes. he prides himself on his inability to feel emotion. so, why, you ask, is the show watchable? well, unlike SVU, the bad guy always gets it. he always gets his man... someone the system missed, the courts didn't punish... somewhere where justice WASN'T served. so he's not JUST a serial killer... he's a serial killer vigilante. which in and of itself is a contradiction... if he thinks these people are scum, he has some kind of morality. how else would he judge the deserving from the undeserving? i can't help but wonder if he's ever killed someone innocent. oh he "makes sure" they're scum, but what if he makes a mistake? he takes an innocent life... so that makes him scum too. people have died under the death penalty wrongly. while dexter is extremely bright, i'm sure he could be wrong. and watching him twiddle his exacto-knife and drill with a naked, body gagged and saran wrapped to the table... not going to lie it's a little weird. i'm wary of torture, and dexter tortures, then murders. he instigates his prey before they die, makes sure they KNOW why they're getting whacked. and while sometimes i think "that guy totally got what was coming to him," other times i'm just like... ew. the only reason i'm okay with it is that it's pure fantasy. bad people getting what they deserve? someone going after the murderers and rapists? one of the guys with a decent moral code dishing out punishment... and loving every second of it. that's not the way real life works; people beat the system, go unpunished. and as angry as it makes us, what would we really do about it? well, dexter does something. albeit, something peverse and more than a little weird, but at least the guy has a hobby. he's freaking batman but the bad guys don't get to hurt anyone ever again.

another thing... his callous nature... is actually quite comical. all these people walking around with their "feelings" and dexter is thinking about where to dispose of the next dead body as his boat's in the shop and he can't just dump garbage bags in the bay like he usually does. probably my favorite part about the show is that dexter prefers platonic, non-sexual relationships with women (to put it mildy. you might even say he's terrified of girls). good looking guy, serial murder, good at lying.. you'd think he'd get a ton of action. i mean, that's what a lot of tv shows ARE. but no. he dates women that have no sexual interest in him because of their pasts. women that are so broken they can't possibly get close to him. other women want him to have feelings; he doesn't have any. so it makes sense. the awkwardness spurned by this very situation is one of the funniest parts of the show. his nonchalance in his tasks is perfectly pitched. somehow it's funny instead of super duper creepy. and every once in awhile you see in him, a shred of humanity, of feeling. it never lasts long, but it's there. i'm on the edge of my seat waiting for him to feel SOMETHING. maybe my wait is in vain, but the show has to go SOMEWHERE. the fact is, no matter how inhumane he seems... he can't outrun his humanity. maybe he'll never feel guilty about murdering evil people. but the little things? the way his sister views him? yeah, he cares about it. did i mention, he's great with kids?

so dexter morgan, i salute you (and by you i mean the people that actually write your show). i find it entertaining, original, and thought provoking. but i'm kind of a big weirdo.

special edumacation

2010-11-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

raise your hand if you were taken out of your elementary school class in second grade and given an IQ test... there were a bunch of picture puzzles, a weird guy with a stopwatch...

and a few weeks later, i was "invited" to join a special program for "gifted" students called "seminar."

the gist was, if you had a certain IQ, some well meaning adminstrators took you out of your normal classes and put you in this small class with other kids with abnormally high IQ's and a crazy teacher for enrichment.
"enrichment." such a broad term. it used to be this big deal... that you were "invited" to go to the nerd class. well... hell, it did get me out of normal class, so i was all for it.

other kids would ask, "what do you do in seminar?"
that's an excellent question. here are the things i remember from seminar:

1. the gopher puzzle - one of those weirdo block puzzles where you had to make a cube except there were gophers and holes instead of protruding blocks/ voided spaces. i'd put it together every few months.. but it's one of the first things i think of when i think of high school "seminar."

2. tessellations - we spent hours doing this. i remember lots of coloring and tracing... that's pretty much it.

3. Voyage of the Mimi - you WISH you had seen this gem of a mini-series. i remember an pre-adolescent ben affleck, the ship, and mayan ruins. really, what else is there?

4. taking practice portions of SAT's in 7th grade and getting quizzed weeks later so that our retention level could be evaluated. fun, fun.

5. being invited to go to Hopkins for nerd camp. thank god i never actually went. my sister is a high school chem teacher and actually taught at one of these nerd camps at F&M when she was in college. trust me, you don't want to be a part of these things.

6. spending an ungodly amount of weeks making a rubber band ball (which i still own). i made a normal one with ugly ass rubber bands and a smaller one with colored rubber bands. no, i have no idea what the point of this was.

7. sitting on the floor coloring while somebody drew a giant hypogriff. wait.. griffen. not hypogriff. that's from harry potter.

8. drawing random pictures for mrs. h as my "semester project" - in high school we were supposed to produce some kind of project every quarter in order to get credit for the class. the irony in this is that every "gifted" kid was too lazy to actually do semester projects. the stuff we handed in usually took about 7 minutes.

9. krazy (mrs.) k. (i know how to spell crazy. the alliteration is more fun) - the middle school seminar teacher. this is quite possibly the weirdest woman i ever met and i did chemical engineering research during summers in college for fun (and MONEY). she used to carry around this hideous white synthetic hairy sweater. i once made the mistake of saying "i'm cold" in her presence and was forced to wear it for like an hour. yikes. however, mrs. k. did routinely write glowing evaluations of my awesomeness and ramble to my parents about my semi-photographic memory (which i still tell people exists even though i perfectly well know that it doesn't). mrs. k. also had a great deal sympathy for kids when they had social issues in school. you know what... she might just be my favorite weirdo.

i guess some of these could be classified as "enrichment" activities. but most of them... well what the hell were we doing? my theory is that elementary/intermediate/middle school teachers just wanted to get the kids that were smarter than they were out of their classes for a few hours each week for self-esteem purposes. i guess that's the arrogant way of putting it. however, it WAS really nice to get out of the classroom when i was younger because i was just so damn bored all the time. i thought about skipping a few grades but then i thought i'd turn out weirder socially (i'm weird enough; i certainly didn't need any help). i almost forgot... the absolute BEST thing about seminar was that it was damn near impossible to get kicked out. a lot of people who got in the progarm in second grade would get to highschool and you'd think... this kid is just weird. where's the smart? see that's the beauty of it. they must be weird because they're eccentric and soooo smart.

i had SO many people fooled...

inspector joy

2010-11-12T09:12:00.000-05:00

so a few days ago i bought a trenchcoat. fits really well, like it was cut for me and my tiny shoulders - a gray, peuter color. wore it to work yesterday... only to realize that i bought inspector gadget's coat. thanks, smartass in the cubicle next to me who called me "inspector." then i started singing the song... .do do do do do, inspector gadget, do do do do do do hooo hoooo. so now everytime i put in this coat i will remember that i bought based soley on the fact that i subconciously aspire to dress like inspector gadget because i love the theme song.
way to go, joy.

now i'm starting to question some of my other wardrobe choices. do i own chucks because i love the sandlot? do i wear brown pants and green shirts because i'm an apathetic environmentalist? "hey i'll look like a tree, but eff anything more difficult than that." why do i love purple and green? i swear i never liked barney. that might even be where my anger issues come from. if i start wearing a net over my face, stilts, and a leather cat suit, please try to get the lady gaga song out of my head before i go anywhere. what if i start wearing a cape? oooo cape. that sounds fun. and maybe some thigh highs. don't forget the hat; i'm about hats recently. especially the "i'm a train conductor" kind. maybe that's from Shining Time Station. i'm an engineer, get it? ha. ha. ha.

i bought a red dress for a wedding because it reminded me of julia roberts in "pretty woman" when she and richard gere go to the opera. i guess that's normal. i think the line in the sand was drawn when i bought outerwear based on a goofy cartoon character whose 10 year old sidekick penny was the only one who actually did anything. at least i don't look like darkwing duck, a killer tomato, or captain planet (i think). oh crap, i'm totally a killer tomato. angry ginger.

this has progressed further than i thought. i'm going to have to start watching the devil wears prada and sex and the city until this situation is ammended. stay tuned.

pop prose

2010-11-11T13:29:00.000-05:00

i'm way used to the music on my ipod... listening to whatever i'm in the mood for when i run. however the cd player in my car has decided to be temperamental. thus, i have been listening to radio. good old FM 97. maybe i'm getting old. but a lot of pop music SUCKS. not just sucks, blows majorly. all this dance techno spewed with flecks of sexual innuendo. it's not art. it's... puke flavored bubble gum pop (that got stuck on my brand new heels and ruined my day).
even they lyrics are bad. worse than bad:

"don't get fancy, just get dancey."
really? i've seen your "behind the music," pink... and that made me respect you a little. you just ruined it.

"uh. uh. uh. uh."
~ Nelly
minus the bandaid-less face, he hasn't changed much.

"Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard
When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard
Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6
Like a G6, Like a G6
Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6"
oh wait, yes, now i see it! lost it. yep, stupid again. if i hear "G6" again i might break something. congratulations, you've figured out how to rhyme "six" and, um... "six." don't forget to get slizzard in your blizzard gizzard lizzzzzzard.

i also find that katie perry is annoying the SHIT out of me. not only do i hate "california girls," but i'm pretty sure they ARE forgettable. plastic surgery makes you look like everyone else, hence, forgettable. also, i remember in highschool that i couldn't tell the freshmen in my gym class apart. they were all blonde, way too tan, and had their belly buttons pierced. don't forget the padded bras, sharpie eyeliner and gel pen eyeshadow. this has nothing to do with anything, but i feel like these are the kind of people that would love this song.

i like dance jams as much as the next girl but when did they get so annoying? has ecstasy come back with techno? and more importantly, why didn't anyone tell me? oh, i did hear one or two whiney sounding crap emo songs. hey emo kids... you aren't unique, you're emo. you have a stereotype. that means there are a bunch of you.

now i like hip hop no matter how dumb ass the lyrics are because i can dance to the beat. so if white as milk chicks dance to hip hop, do black girls dance to techno? i just can't picture it.

i found myself really liking the eminem, rihanna "love the way you lie, part 2." i'm not even a big proponent of eminem; i can only take him in small doses (otherwise i lose my faith in all men), but at least that song is about something. about something shitty like domestic violence, yes. but i'd rather listen to that then "let's get slizzard and dancey." not that pop music has ever done anything really great for me (not since "i want it that way" anyway), but this was beyond bad. this has me pulling out my "no strings attached" and thinking about how shakespearean JC chasez and justin timberlake (before he was Justified) were.

technology turmoil

2010-11-10T13:09:00.000-05:00

i have a crisis on my hands...

trying to decide what internet-y gadget-y thing to buy to replace my shitty five year old laptop and my boyfriend's old phone (that i'm currently using as my cell phone) which was light years better than my playskool 90's phone. so yeah, i need a phone. a smart phone would be nice. but do i need a smart phone if i get a sweet tablet? the tablet would have all the apps i want. i know the T9 has got to go, but i refuse to waste money on an iphone. okay so the iphone, apps, phone, internet.. great. but i probably can't type on it without getting really annoyed. nor can i read e-books comfortably. so what the hell do i do? a keyboard would be nice but then shouldn't i just buy a decent desktop to store all my pictures and music on? but i also want something to carry with me so i can be all like.. oh, i'm waiting at the airport. guess i'll by this e-book or read this blog and become un-bored with life. a mini PC would be ok, but it's not like i'm going to be able to put it in my giant purse without being annoyed at how much space it takes up. which is what has me leaning towards the tablet. but if i'm getting the tablet, why not get the phone that can do everything the tablet does, just a few inches smaller (and way cheaper)? oh right because i can't read comfortably on it... and bam, my web of confusion begins again. i mean i don't want to just buy everything b/c that makes me a tech douche. not to mention i'd use one more than the others, otherwise i'd spend all my time interacting with keys and screens instead of real people. meanwhile, the manufacturing cataloguing for where i work is all done in MAPICS which is green-fonted version of DOS.

i am SUCH a whiney, middle class white-girl. i'd like someone to just tell me what to do that doesn't actually sell these products and get commission.

love,
joy

2010-11-08T11:37:00.002-05:00

i'd like to discuss something super important on this monday morning.
what happens when you die? ...

just kidding... totes want to talk about facebook, omg, lol, j/k, but for SERIOUS.

could the world have even guessed way back in 2004 that this would become... well whatever it is facebook has become? facebook is the first website i type in when i open internet explorer. that's right, not my gmail account. not the weather. not even google. facebook. (gag)

dear facebook, way to spread herpes through the internet. love, joy

it's not that facebook is important... it's that a way to interact with people that's completely impersonal and half-assed was never so easily accessible! you can appear to be friendly without really meaning it, so that more people like you. a single click and you "like" a status... you probably made someone's day... only a click and you don't even have think of anything to say! and you get more popular (kind of. ish.)... unless the status reads, "jumping off a bridge to my watery death" in which case you will get hounded by the facebook police who tell you what a shitty human being you are (i know you know some facebook police).

i kind of REALLY despise what facebook has become to some people - a way to share overly intimate details to a bunch of other people that do the same thing because they need attention. i'm not hating attention seekers; everybody needs some kind of attention. i'm guilty of going about it in the wrong way too. however, in an effort to contain the beast, i've made a list of things you should never, ever, in any way shape or form, post on facebook:

1.) anything about a diet or how ginormous you think you are... scratch that... anything negative that you would post about yourself for the sole purpose of getting people to tell you the opposite in the form of a comment on your post.
2.) anything pertaining to your sex life (don't even take a facebook quiz about what kind of lover you are. really, i don't want to know. okay, if you really want to take it, delete it from your wall so it doesn't pop up on my feed.)
3.) colon jokes. nobody gets them unless they're in a real shitty mood. (HA)
4.) breakup details
5.) thinly veiled insults ambiguously placed in your statuses directed at ONE person you don't have the actual balls to say something to in real life. not only has that one person probably NOT gotten the message, but 300 other people think you possibly might be mad at them.
6.) song lyrics or jokes that do not include quotation marks and have a serious undertone. i posted "i have diabetes" once. i got some worried texts and emails. (i do not have diabetes).
7.) an inside joke you have with one of your other personalities

i mean, i guess some of these are okay if it makes you feel important. everybody needs to feel important sometimes (especially your more introverted multiple personalities). i normally post the link to this blog on my wall so that people know i've written a new blog (but that's like, totally important, right?). i like to put pictures up, etc. so my extended family can see them. but i'm afraid that's where it's ending for me. not only am i not cool enough for people to actually care where i am every second of everyday, but when i'm actually out doing things, i find that i don't think about telling everybody that i'm doing things. i do them instead.

Toby's utopian dream

2010-10-29T08:06:00.000-04:00

yesterday my meditative work silence (sleeping with my eyes open) was interrupted by the drafter (and an engineer) across the cubicle way using the term "butt weld" 5,000 times in the same sentence. "well, you have to butt weld because the butt weld is the only one qualified even though it's not qualified because it's so butty, being a butt weld." i don't even know what a butt weld is. and i'm okay with that.

ever hear COMPLETELY random shit at work and you're just left sitting there like... who. ARE. these. people? it's like joining the conversation at the wrong time, except you didn't actually join, you're just sitting within earshot, you heard the whole thing, and it still makes no sense. i often find myself sounding like a weirdo, speaking in navy acronymns: "did you finish the SOC for the MRU for the DDG? you down with OPP? yeah, you know me." or sometimes, i'm unfortunate enough to overhear some kind of dirty joke that is in no way funny. not because it's dirty; dirty jokes are great, just the punchline and delivery was obviously made up on the spot and it's horrific. you hear the other party laugh just because they don't want to make the joke teller feel bad. well you know what, that person should feel bad. HORRIBLE JOKE. what, did he pull from bob saget's standup (or his roast on comedy central. because no one could even make the roast of bob saget funny) ? the only funny jokes at work are the ones where you're zinging other people that obviously deserve it. like that one boss that hates everyone because he's a prick (which you find ironic because you trade Jesus music with him). or the "office bully" that has the NERVE to make fun of you. or uber sarcastic debbie downer who makes fun of you every time you wear animal print. "(she sees me for the first time that day) well... welcome to the jungle..."

however, nothing is worse than the drafter you HATE dropping casual sexual innuendo. he's got a grosgusting goatee, one lazy eye, and a gold chain tangled in chest hair popping out the top of his unbuttoned collared shirt. he says he's married but i suspect it might be to a blow-up doll named "Tanya." (pronounced "tan-ya") i don't know what the man actually does all day. maybe he just sits there, twiddling his thumbs, coming up with something cringe-worthy to say. i can't really remember any specifically because i've blocked out all those memories. i can, however, tell you that i have said before (loud enough for about 20 people to hear), "stop being creepy," which is generally met by muffled laughter and sometimes applause.

it's not that i never say inappropriate things at work. there was the time i said "bitcheessss... fucking RIGHT." at 7am because the shipyard approved my report on revision - dash. rev. fucking. dash. i'm not going to censor myself from calling other people creeps, i guess i'll refrain from running to HR about creepy, crawly draftsman and let him do his thing. i don't want to get him fired; tan-ya needs a new naughty nurse outfit (don't ask why).

happy halloween

2010-10-26T10:12:00.000-04:00

Halloween is fast approaching… and for the very first time, I will be able to decorate for a Halloween party. EXCITING, I know. I don’t know if any of you have heard the Patton Oswalt bit about creepy suburban Halloween decorations, but I totally jog past this house on a routine basis. There are about 25 dead bodies/skeletons in this yard, either carrying coffins or killing someone on a surgical table, or rising up out of the ground like a corpse bride, or hanging from a tree, made complete by the entire front of the house draped in black with a sign that reads, “Welcome to my nightmare.” Because I’m fairly certain these people are the creepiest neighbors I’ve never actually met, I am predisposed to the cheesy, stupid sort of Halloween decorations. Smiley pumpkins? Of course. Grinning ghosts and cute witches? I’m there. A jovial Frankenstein? Hells yeah. I want an animated, inflatable vampire that looks like Edward Cullen and talks like the Count. I want a cardboard cutout of Spongebob in a Crabby Patty costume. I want a party with butterbeer and pumpkin juice in the Great Hall at Hogwarts.

So maybe I’m a pansy. Or maybe I still remember when I tried to watch the Hanover Halloween Parade at six years old and started crying because the Haunted Mill dudes carrying chainsaws scared the living shit out of me. Or maybe I still blame the Blairwitch Project for “why I need a nightlight.” Or maybe I remember that time I watched Carrie on TV with my sisters and I screamed bloody murder when her hands came up out of her grave at the end of the movie (the end of the original Friday the 13th is a doozy too). Or perhaps that time in highschool when i watched Poltergeist and was scared to drive the two miles home by myself, despite the horrible 80's special effects.

So, fine; I like happy Halloween decorations. The Garfield Halloween special is about as scary as I get and I’m okay with that. Saw XXIV can have the blood, gore, and brief nudity that come with every horror movie. I’ll be happily slurping chocolate milk stout while jamming to the monster mash with my Target glitter ghost, and I won't be missing a thing.

killing bambi. and liking it.

2010-10-22T10:26:00.001-04:00

when you're from bumblefuck, PA, certain things can happen only to you. especially when most of the males you know run around in the woods at 4 o'clock in the morning every fall trying to shoot animals so that the butcher can make steaks that you won't eat because they taste too "gamey."(if my father is going to kill bambi's mom, i might as well show her the respect she deserves and eat her).

so yesterday i walk in the door, see my father sitting in camo (well, i could only see him when he moved) in the rocking chair after a long day of sitting in the woods (and putting himself in position where it's more likely he gets shot by another hunter than he shoots a deer).
he says to me, "Joy."
"yes?"
"I left my hunting stuff downstairs on the table... and even though the gun is loaded and there's powder in it, blah, blah, blah, something technical, it won't go off. so it's not NEARLY as dangerous as it looks."
"Um... okay. thanks."

so i walk downstairs and sure enough, the gun looks like you could just pick it up and shoot it. scope on, looking all gun-like and dangerous. obviously my thought progression is that if an intruder comes in my house tonight and picks up the gun, i'll know he can't fire it. so there's that. better yet, if i catch a buglar i can wave the rifle at him and he won't know i can't fire it. BAM. and i think i could be pretty threatening, even without a rifle in my hands.

on another occasion, my mother recieved a phone call from my dad, asking her to come (with the mini van) to the woods and help drag a dead deer (with a tarp) to the back of the van so he could take it to the butcher. file THAT under "shit i wouldn't have done for my significant other."
p.s. he left the tarp back there for weeks. there was dried blood all up on it. and i'm pretty sure he drove that car to work.

to me, hunting season means that i don't see my father for about a week. occasionally, during that week, i will get a phone call from my mother telling me "HE GOT ONE!" like we would starve if he didn't. really, it just means i get MORE baloney that way.

the best thing that comes out of murdering innocent wildlife is the sweet, sweet deer balogna. mmmmmmm. deeeer bologna (homer simpson drool). yes, it's that good. on second thought, maybe i would help with that dead deer carcass... as long as i get free deer 'loney.

are you a parking ticket? cuz you got FINE written alllll over you.

2010-10-20T09:15:00.001-04:00

A reliable source just informed me that the NFL will start fining players for helmet to helmet hits because they cause concussions. Really? Can I fine my dentist for making my mouth hurt? Or how about work for making me sleepy and having to take "personal days" to take naps? I thought the NFL was just like the military... if you want to shoot people (or break their brains), it's perfectly acceptable to do so. In fact, it's encouraged.

The Huffington Post gave me a list of ridiculous NFL fines that I thought the public might enjoy (see my comments in Italics)...

In Week 5 against the St. Louis Rams, Detroit wide receiver Nate Burleson punted the ball into the stands after scoring a touchdown. He also revealed a shirt under his jersey before the game that said, "What up doe." That cost him $15,000. what up doe? what does that mean?

The NFL fined Brandon Jacobs $10,000 for tossing his helmet into the stands on Sunday Night Football against the Indianapolis Colts. that's one expensive helmet

Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250K for an "obscene gesture" in November, 2009. you can get fined 1/4 mil for flicking someone off? that's makes total sense. it's like putting a quarter in the swear jar everytime i say "fucktard." oh wait, i don't do that.

Redskins running back Clinton Portis and the late Sean Taylor were fined $5,000 in 2004 for "uniform violations" when they wore red socks instead of white. They both wore red again the next week and the fine went up to $10,000. i used to do that in high school soccer... wear the wrong shorts AND the wrong socks. they weren't the wrong color but they were different. oops?

Chad Ochocinco was fined $20,000 for pretending to bribe the referee in order to make the call go his way during a game against the Ravens. he could've actually bribed the referee for that much.

Back in 2005, Randy Moss was fined $10,000 for pretending to moon after he scored a touchdown against the Packers. they should GIVE him money for that.

Brian Urlacher was fined $10,000 for wearing a Vitamin Water hat during media day for the Super Bowl in 2007 wonder how much he got paid to wear that hat? guess he still made a good chunk of change.

Sheldon Brown was fined $10,000 for wearing the Jason Mask when his name was announced during the pregame introductions. did someone ACTUALLY get scared?

Ryan Clark was fined $5,000 for wearing eye black with the number 21 on it in honor his late friend and former teammate Sean Taylor. how dare he?

There you have it. I hope they start fining Eagles fans because they're obnoxious.

vacation machinations

2010-10-19T09:21:00.000-04:00

hello friends.

so this weekend i went to Chincoteague island (VA) with the family to spend a few relaxing days at the beach while getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. and by the beach, i mean mostly in the beach house or trying to catch crabs with raw chicken necks and string (and eventually, a net). it sounds gross because it IS. my boyfriend's dearest wish for this vacation was to go crabbing. i obliged, especially when the cute old lady at the beach-y shop told us what to buy and where to go. she (conveniently) sold us the most expensive crab trap that liked to fold two different ways (so that all the crabs could escape). while i wasn't pumped about the trap, the advice on where to crab was solid. within minutes we caught a few blue crabs... mostly undersized... and mostly lost to our shitty crab trap/lack of net. believe it or not, buying raw chicken necks, tying a piece of string to said chicken necks, and throwing them over the dock = great way to catch crabs. we caught mostly little baby crabs (which we threw back... what kind of person do you think i am?) but a few decent sized ones. which the b/f victoriously ate that night (then got slightly sick from one of them).

day 2 of crabbing: wake up at 6am.... like we're bad ass fisherman... go to our same spot... and whoooops. low tide. apparently the time to catch crabs is HIGH tide. regardless, i still pulled in a few, but they were all super small. not worth eating. so we were out in the freezing cold windy pre-dawn for an hour and a half before we gave up. i promptly went back to our beach house and slept for almost four hours. meanwhile, master crabber man (my boyfriend) tried to go back out and catch more (when the tide was even lower). he didn't get any.

fast forward to dinner. we promised my family crabs, so we were going to get them. we raided 2 places before we were told "crabs aren't in season." well, darsh. were we even allowed to be catching them, then? oops. okay, so no crabs... why yes, we'll have oysters. no leave the shell on. we're going to shuck them ourselves, it'll be an adventure. it actually wasn't that difficult... too bad the smell of friend oysters made me nauseous for no particular reason and i couldn't eat any of them. oh well. at least we tried something new and exciting... and probably more redneck than cow tipping. woohoo!

i gave this to the head of a department here because i was sick of him making fun of me for being awesome.

2010-10-13T12:57:00.000-04:00

Enjoy the "memo:"

Office Bullies (a.k.a. XXXXX)
Handling REALLY ANNOYING Harassment in the Workplace

Bullying at work can get out of hand if it's not dealt with seriously. You may think the days of bullying ended when you graduated junior high. Unfortunately, many aggressive individuals carry bullying behavior into “adulthood” (or in XXXXX’s case, old age)--and the workplace.

This is a misunderstood problem. Human resources departments sometimes sweep away complaints of office bullying, declaring that the individuals under conflict should simply wear the proper work attire. However, bullies don’t operate that way, or else they wouldn’t choose intimidation, ridicule, and psychological b-s to get employees to dress like they’re working instead of going to the beach.

What is Office Bullying? Bullying in the workplace is used to intimidate and control another individual. It can be as subtle as back-stabbing, demanding an employee remove their brand new chucks that look nicer than everyone else’s office shoes (combined), or as blatant as physical violence (like throwing pieces of paper in one’s cubicle). Examples include: being given some work (kind of… sometimes), speaking in a derogatory manner about a 24-year-old still living with her parents, being left “out of the loop” in regards to important work-related information like when it’s okay to play that golfing game in XXXXX’s office, being ridiculed regularly in front of others when your father drops you off at the door because it’s raining, and feeling as if your hats are constantly in jeopardy because you look so much cooler than XXXXX.

Who is the bully? XXXXX is highly competitive, even in areas where competition isn’t necessary, such as in a goddess/office geek relationship. XXXXX is socially awkward, medium height (I guess?), and is usually seen carrying around XXXXX’s taser. Because of this, it is often difficult to reason with him, and he will play the victim if confronted (like I can tase myself!).

Who is the target? It differs from schoolyard bullying in that the target in the workplace is generally someone who excels and is a threat to the bully. Over 65% of the time the target is a super cool, artistic, athletic individual. Because they’re so awesome, they avoid confrontation and choose to stay silent about the bullying rather than be considered a whiner. They feel isolated but still somehow manage to blame XXXXX. They lose office nap time and the ability to be remotely productive, resulting in diminishing job performance in order to get back at XXXXX. They become agitated, stressed, and occasionally apathetic about anything remotely important (seriously, why can’t a girl just wear her chucks?).

What to do if you are the target of a bully. Dealing with a bully in the workplace is difficult, because the normal rules of conflict resolution do not apply. The bully will prance around in obnoxiously bright polos and pleated pants in order to pretend he’s the victim. The behavior will likely escalate as a result. If XXXXX is your boss, you may fear losing your dignity, or worse, having his wardrobe rub off on you. And often, the complaints are a series of small gripes that, on paper, may not seem like a big deal (because they’re not). Still, you must report the behavior to BOSS NAME, even though he will report to BOSS’S BOSS NAME and he’ll just laugh too.

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it

2010-10-11T14:01:00.000-04:00

several things:

staring at reliability data for non electric parts has made me cross-eyed and hostile.

the pink shit the NFL is using DOES get auctioned off... and portions of the proceeds do go to breast cancer. which means they definitely turn a profit and probably get to write something off. america, fuck yeah.

i used to really hate halloween because i hate scary movies and my semi-photographic memory makes me SOL when i'm trying to sleep after i watch one. then, in college, "Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it." (Cady, Mean Girls) and get obnoxiously drunk. which in hindsight... probably wasn't that fun, but it seemed fun at the time because i never did it before. Now, I'm back to the real world (not the shitty MTV series that gives self-absorbed people another way to glorify themselves)... you know, the whole job-lifey-thing. i didn't dress up for halloween last year... not only did i not have anywhere to go but i just didn't care. in college nobody cares what you are, because most of the costumes blow anyway (if i ever see another "dick in a box" costume...). i think senior year, i said i was "my drunk self" and just went to a party in a skirt and heels. very creative of me. this year, i decided that i actually want to (*gasp*) dress up. you'd think i'd pick something cool because i haven't done it in awhile. oh, no. better go generic. and kind of skanky. yeah, skanky.
ding, ding... slutty pirate it is! i'm justifying my midriff bearing costume by explaining to all the feminazis out there how great my body image is that i'd dare to bear my tummy in public. to be honest, i just kind of really like pirates. and the slutty pirate costume was just screaming at me in the lingerie store (which i only went to for my sister's bachelorette gift), "buy me, ya scallywag wench! argghhhh." (or at least that's what i think my costume would say if it could talk... like a pirate). have i ever even had a good costume? one time in third grade i wore a bathrobe and curlers and pretended i was "mrs. fengfish in the morning" (she was a ginge). i'm fairly certain that was my all time best... which is really sad. i hit my peak halloween costume at 8 years old? REALLY?

since i have absolutely no intention of wasting my pirate costume, perhaps YOU should help me think of a few things to spice it up. suggestions are appreciated (good ones, anyway). here are a few ideas i have for next year:

1. ginny weasley. i will be harry potter's girlfriend, oh yes, i will.
2. an amoeba
3. a pair of safety glasses. no, not just wear a pair, but actually be a pair of safety glasses.
4. an NFL player during breast cancer awareness month (they're going to donate a whole seventeen cents on the dollar of what you spend to buy their auctioned off used du-rags! such a good cause though.)
5. meredith from the office. what? she's my doppelganger.
6. oprah
7. the spanish inquisition
8. a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or happiness.
9. my exact opposite. (dallas cowboys cheerleader?)

2010-10-05T13:41:00.000-04:00

1. Get on facebook. Now. Go.
2. Look at girls' pages. Now. Go.

3. Read this:

i like it in my shopping cart at the grocery store.
i like it under my jacket on my friends' couch.
i like it where i can see it.
i like it hanging from a hook right beside the door.
i like it right beside my dundie.
i like it on the sink counter.
i like it on the grass (sometimes... if its dry).
i like it on the kitchen table.
i like it wherever my phone is easily accessible
i like it under my desk
i like it on the couch when i'm watching tv
i like it on the coffee table, even when there are sunchip crumbs all over it
i like it with just what i need in it
i like it soft and properly broken in
i like it right next to my shoes
i like it dirty, in the trash (when it's worn out)
i like it with my gay best friend, whenever he wants it
i like it when people actually use the words "breast cancer awareness" in breast cancer awareness gimmicks.
i like it when "where i like my purse" sounds likes "where i like having sex." because sex is totally IT.
i like it when i'm fully aware that breast cancer is a fatal disease and i need to examine myself on a routine basis.
i like it when people visit http://www.breastcancer.org/ to get more information.
i like it when we say what we mean so more people are aware of breast cancer than a thinly veiled (fake) innuendo.

chest cancer a-hair-ness month

2010-10-04T13:18:00.000-04:00

another weekend, another wedding. looks like i am the last single dickensheets girl. my grandpa made if fairly clear to me (and my boyfriend) that i was "next." thanks, pap.

more importantly, it's breast cancer awareness month. it always takes me a few minutes of watching the NFL before i figure out what all the pink means: why is that dude wearing a fuschia du-rag? it really clashes with his whole "convinct" look. since when do the steelers have pink cleats? has the whole world turned gay?

oh.

congrats, NFL. i'm totally AWARE that it's breast cancer AWARENESS month. i wonder how much money was spent on pink gear that could've been donated to breast cancer? why not sponser someone for treatment instead of outfitting an entire football team with pink shit? ok, breast cancer awareness... do the referees really need pink whistles? i mean if the pink cleats don't give it away.. seriously how much pink do we need? ok so have some obnoxious pink gear... and then give the rest of the money you were intending to spend on making pink towels to (gasp) people who actually need it.

i also have a bit of a problem with the whole "save the tatas" campaign. yeah... save boobs. but... save the PERSON... you know, the body attached to the boobs. yeah, a mastectomy probably sucks, but i'm sure that being dead sucks way more (but what do i know, i'm alive).

here are some better ideas:

have troy polamalu dye his million dollar locks pink. better yet, shave it and donate to locks of love. come on troy, DO IT! make an entire team get mamograms and have a special about it on HD. what? men can get breast cancer too. oh and while they're at it, they should probably get prostates checked as well. the point is, if you're looking for a publicity stunt to spread awareness for breast cancer... can't you use your money more effectively? or.. for the month of october.. each team can fundraise for breast cancer and have competition to see what team can get the most. hmmm? hmmm?

i'm supposed to be SO EXCITED that professional football players would do something so crazy as to wear pink gear (that costs money) given to them when people with breast cancer are dying because they can't pay for treatment?

check, please.

feminist wiles

2010-09-23T09:37:00.000-04:00

i never thought i'd grow up to be a feminist. a bra-burning, no-shave, penis-hating feminist. oh wait. i would never burn my bras because they're too expensive (these girls need support!). i always(ish) shave. and i love my boyfriend's pe...nut butter and jelly. i know, completely irrelevant. so what exactly does it mean to be a feminist, today, September 23, 2010? well... i'm not a combat boot wearing-satanist-lesbian (if you're struggling with this reference, suck it up and read some Stieg Larsson already).

i do think women are routinely oppressed in professional environments. a lot of the male engineers i studied with in college were convinced i was useless in small groups because i'm a girl. one time a lehigh prof brought in a female engineer working at an oil refinery in new jersey and asked us if we "have...a... any... female questions?" why, yes professor, i do. so what do you do when you're out in the field with your hard hat, safety glasses, and earplugs doing your enginerd thing and you REALLY need to change your tampon because you've got a heinously heavy day? or... how does it feel to be paid less when you've been working at your company longer and do twice the amount of work as SuperDouche over there whose rich daddy got him this job? (yes, i see the irony. but my pops isn't rich. i went to lehigh and made him... not rich)

but wait...

can i still be a feminist if i love tosh.0? or if, when watching a sporting event, i scream the words "bitch!" and "pussy!" at the tv to emphasize when an athlete makes a bad play? i love high heels and lingerie. i cry at inappropriate times over nothing and exclaim, "god, i'm SUCH a girl!" i attribute things to PMS whenever i get angry or mean. i think men's sports are a lot more entertaining to watch than women's sports.

so where does that leave me? if a man tells me i can't do something, anything, steam starts to come out my ears and i morph into xena, warrior princess. and then if some dude tells me i'm "not hot" as said warrior princess, i giggle and shrink back into betty boop. if i'm xena, i'm a bitch. but if i'm betty, i'm a ditzy wandering soul whose only ambition is to find a man. does anyone else feel stuck between an amazon woman and a cartoon pinup (yep, still being suffocated by boobs)? if i try to go for "asexual" i'm automatically classified as a "butch" lesbian, shirking my feminine identity. but at least the men in the room are listening to what i have to say instead of trying to figure out what cup size i wear. but if i like my curves and my body i should still wear a straight-jacket so as not to distract the important manly men from their manly tasks?

since i don't have the happy medium QUITE figured out yet, i'll just stick with what i know: crying to get out of traffic tickets, free dinner/drinks, parental custody, and getting my flat tire changed because i look helpless and confused with a car jack in my hand. (SUCKAS)

fake outer-space

2010-09-16T08:22:00.000-04:00

This is the true story... of seven strangers... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real...The Real World.

You know you've heard it before. You know you've seen it. You know (at one time or another), you liked it. *Gag.* Ah, the real world. The genesis of reality TV. That's right. The Real World started it all... Rock of Love, I Love New York 87, JERSEY SHORE, Survivor, Big Brother (has anyone ever actually watched that? how did it have so many seasons without my support?), the bachelor/bachelorette, the biggest loser, the mole, the apprentice... it even spawned clearly ficticious and poorly written fake-ality TV like laguna beach, the hills, and the city. Oh, and how can I forget.... the dallas cowboys "i'm trying out to be a cheerleader" show. am i supposed to be excited that the judges are women? they're the most bass ackwards, submissive perpetuators of male disgustingness on the planet. if i hear one more ex-southern belle tell misguided youth that she needs to lose 20 lbs, get hotter, and kick her leg higher...
really?

oh right, so the Real World. I'd compare it to women's magazines. both are facinating to pre-teens and give them stuff to care about before their lives begin. no self respecting human being actually thinks that they are bettering their lives watching drunk twenty somethings hook up and toss racial epithets at one another. there are very few shows that are "so stupid i can't watch." well, ding ding, congratulations MTV, you have most of them. no, i don't want to watch 16 year olds bring a children into the world and talk about AMAZING their skeezy ass, pock-marked boyfriends are... even though they have neither jobs nor hobbies (besides smoking) and are way too fucktard-ey to wear a condom (who knew?). why do i want to watch people that don't matter argue (but REALLY think they do) about trivial bullshit in an environment specifically designed to burgeon drunk arguments and sexual mistakes?

the cast: 7 "strangers." oh wait, it's 8 now? why did they do that? having 3 guys, 3 girls, and a post op tranny was no longer politically correct? every "stranger" fits a stereotype (most of these overlap): angry black man. the gays. white girl with daddy issues. the house bitch. the house asshole. the two most attractive people who come with girlfriends/ boyfriends but end up banging the second night there. more recently, they've added a hipster, emo douche. perfectly placed "i don't care" hair, piercings, idiotic tattoos, and an instrument (they'll probably take anyone that can play guitar hero, as long as he's good looking)... regardless, he's still the house asshole. just way more mysterious and attractive to all the wannabe dark/tortured/artistic/misunderstood pre-teens that don't fit into other social groups. then there's the super hot biracial chick struggling with her identity. it's like she's biracial or something. no, drunky, people aren't tossing racial slurs at you at the bar. they're making fun of your prententious ass for even wanting to be on the Real World.

Presently, the Real World (New Orleans) is in its 24th season. That's right, 24. That's 436 episodes. 12,345,497 days of footage that was "boring"(had a hint of intelligence, ew), so the producers threw it away. Nobody comes out of that show looking like they are remotely cool. The people that are.. don't audition to be on the show... or their non-douchey footage doesn't make the cut for TV. And the "confession" room... right. That's called, I don't have the balls to say this to your face, but six months from now it will be on national TV, then I'll have my REVENGE! It's 8th grade with more swear words and a plethora of alcohol. oh yeah, and cameras. oh, sweet sweet confessional... stop giving the impression that it's okay to to shit about everyone, all the time. after all, these people are "adults." right. it's jerry springer with better looking guests and an even lesser sense of social responsibility.

Well, I'm calling the Real World out. Like the Snood kill-screen, I implore MTV to END IT NOW. You are not taping the "real world." you are taping a perfectly crafted, carefully chosen drunk orgy that you can air on national television (but in no way is as interesting as "orgy" impiles).
Now, turn that shit off, and re-run some classic Laguna Beach so I can be baffled (once again) by the Kristen, Stephen, LC love triangle and what every chick sees in Jason. (really jessica... ew.)

America, Fuck Yeah

2010-09-14T07:59:00.000-04:00

oh shit. it's finally here. football season. i never thought i'd be one of those people who actually DATED a dude that loves football (i'm rarely into Americans). i feel like i'm about to embark on an entire chapter of my life where i forcefully adapt to being ignored for ex-cons (if you're a Ravens fan) in spandex for 8 months out of the year. i always thought that the person i really wanted to be with would be a soccer fan. you know, one of those rare, intelligent people that appreciates the beautiful game and all of the acting that comes with it (those damn Italians and their flopping). apparently God thought this was WAY funnier.

i just know that there will come a time (playoff season) where i can walk around naked and said boyfriend will tell me to get him another beer by gesturing and grunting. i can feel it coming. i think i need to come up with other things to do with my time since there is no way i can waste that much of my life watching grown men dance around and congratulate themselves on how awesome they are because some other dude tripped. Perhaps I exaggerate. But if I start doing naked jumping jacks and am asked to refill a beverage… it will not be pretty.

So how do I GET more attention? I’ve pretty much exhausted all of the socially acceptable channels. I resort to being super annoying when I don’t get the proper amount. Perhaps I am better suited to do something more worthy of my time, you know, besides attention seeking. Maybe I’ll finally finish the Odyssey. Or the Aeneid. Classify celebrities according to the level of Dante’s Inferno they’re destined to be stuck in forever. Drape myself in velvet? Figure out how many illegitimate children Ray Lewis has ACTUALLY fathered (I’m going to need more paper).

While all of these seem like worthier endeavors than watching 5,000 commercials for 13.4 minutes of football, I have to say, I think I’m still missing the aspect where I’m doing something to better society. Hmmm, how do I fix the world’s problems? Going vigilante can’t possibly be as cool as it seems. I feel like I’d get killed in the first five minutes by the people that actually use guns in their daily thug lives. And then, what happens when you’re just too really really ridiculously good looking to go unnoticed? Then I’ll be a caught vigilante. Awesome. Worse, I’ll be a caught vigilante dressed up as Ginny Weasley. Because that’s the only costume I’d vigilante in (is “vigilante” a verb? I’ma vigilante the SHIT out of that!). There were totally woman pirates.. why aren’t there awesome real life vigilante women (Jodi foster, NOBODY believed your performance. You should stick to being almost murdered by men traipsing around in drag made of human skin and being psychologically molested by Dr. Hannibal Lector). Why is cat woman a villain? I never believe woman heroines in movies. They’re always super thin and have giant boobs… And we’re supposed to believe that Angelina Jolie is THAT agile? So quick that she can judo chop a man 3 times her size and still look hot doing it? She looks like she has the athletic ability of a three legged, one-eyed, narcoleptic dog. And yeah right she can bend bullets. If she can bend bullets, my grandma can. After all, they probably have the same bone density (people who are malnourished get osteoporosis).

Oh, right. My point: find something to do during football season that will distract me from feeling uninteresting. Screw it, I think I’ll start renting seasons of True Blood and Dexter.

hazard analysis

2010-09-07T14:45:00.002-04:00

my current conumdrum: i'm technically a mechanical engineer, but i am absolutely terrified of all things mechanical. like that humming, engine-y noise... just makes me think that something is about to blow up. the only mechanical sound i'm not afraid of is my own car starting. and that's only because i know what it's supposed to sound like when i turn the key (*shitty saturn starting noise*). maybe other house-hold appliances like the washer or dryer... dishwasher, microwave. ok ok, sometimes even the de-humidifier makes me jump.

so you're thinking... maybe you're in the wrong occupation, joy.... you know, prototyping/testing HVAC and such. that's an astute observation, my super amazing, wonderfully intelligent blog readers who take time out of their days for a small dose of my sarcastic wisdom! i figured out that i was terrified of equipment that made noise during my senior year of college in unit operations lab. i made my lab partner turn everything on. everything. the giant distillation column, the heat exchangers, steam lines... everything. once in awhile i'd open a valve. once in awhile when i knew exactly what would happened when i turned it.

the thing about my current job is that i don't have to actually DO testing. i write a long-ass test request, procedures. figure out what needs to go where for safety... then an "operator" does it for me. i don't have to witness testing of our equipment or get scared by any engine hums, distant chain-saw like sounds, or warning alarms. nor do i ever have to lock out, tag out electrical equipment. why did they make me take 40 hours worth of safety training when i sure as hell am not going to touch anything anyway? sure i go down to the floor to "fix" things all the time. when the unit is broken. hence, turned OFF. and no, i'm not turning it on. i say "try this" and somebody else does it for me. maybe i'm not so much afraid of mechanical devices as being in CHARGE of these things. and somehow if i turn it on and follow the instructions, i will still feel like it's my fault if the air conditioner explodes. even walking on the shop floor puts me on edge. i am prepared to dive for cover at all times when i'm down there, just on the chance that the humming (usually just indicating that shit is turned on) will turn into creaking will turn into a metal tornado of fury coming straight for me. (also you have to have your wits about you to dodge, duck, jump, dive, dodge and roll away from people driving fork trucks. and dodge. seriously, the drivers are never paying attention.)

then stuff like this happens: "oh the welders can't weld today because of the high chrome content of the area where we weld stainless steel." oh, ok. you mean the area i walk through every other day to see the ME (mechanical engineer) on the shop floor because he can actually fix things? ok, cool. it's an open area, but i'm sure there's no danger to anyone walking through it and breathing that air that cannot possible escape because the space is enclo.... hmmm. so, wait. am i going to asphyxiate or get carried away/bludgeoned by a "this used to be the piping on our prototype" - storm? better safe than sorry. i'm going with staying right here, getting carpal tunnel, even WORSE eyesight, and probably a severe case of "desk ass." at least i don't have to worry about transformers 3 happening downstairs and making joy spaghetti out of me because the rivnuts can smell my fear.

joey gladstone $

2010-09-03T09:43:00.005-04:00

since i have been no stranger to small town bullshit and derogatory epithets in the past ... oh i don't know... 6 weeks, i found myself thinking about what the most offensive terms (sans profanity) towards women (in a normal social context) are.

the ones that come to my immediate attention... fat. some variation of "ugly." crazy. whore. any variation of the C-U-Next-Tuesday. stupid. i know i said "sans profanity," but "bitch" is pretty ubiquitous. it's obvious that there are three main categories: words attacking physical appearance... rating a woman low on society's beauty standard, shots at someone's mental capacity... obviously if you have a different opinion you must be crazy or stupid, the S-L-U-T... because really... what's worse than a woman having sex? last but not least, BITCH. you know, an angry woman (women have the right to display a healthy human emotion? pshhhhht).

there is an endless parade of women who think that the worst possible thing in the entire world is to be called "fat." what exactly does "fat" mean today? well obviously, it hints at being obese. but since the people on the medical boards who have lowered the obesity standard usually own STOCK in diet companies.. "fat" no longer means... well... fat. since it's so unpredictable, fat has to mean a lot of other things. lazy. careless. unmotivated. ugly. just plain not good enough. and if you're fat, you're probably a shitty person too. because you're so fat. ewwww. not only is it not fair, but a complete and utter lie. weight isn't quite the moral decision people make it out to be.

next up: mental capacity. crazy, psycho, bananas, "gone off the deep end," reh-tarded, dumb-ass. too often people with mental illness are construed as "evil." i say we're selling the schizo's, depressed, and bipolar short. give em' a little more credit. if you want to call someone a bad person, can't you get a bit more creative? i'd rather be "crazy" and treat people with respect than perfectly "normal" sans etiquette. crazy? is topical. nor does crazy in any way mean stupid. john nash was a schizophrenic (a beautiful mind). i'm going to go out on a limb and call him WAY smarter than anyone who would ever read this blog. van gogh... schizophrenia and bipolar (the man cut his ear off so he'd stop hearing voices).. and also a genius. i admit it; i'm guilty of calling someone "retarded" as an insult. slow, stupid. not only is it rude... but complete bullshit. everyone has their issue. not everyone's is visible at first sight. what do any of us gain by bringing each other down? i know it doesn't make me feel better. i've heard all my life that i'm a "nerd." so you're calling me smart... but socially retarded. even if i might be both that one word has a negative connotation and is often used instead of simply "bright," "smart," or "brilliant." but if someone actually does fit the stereotype, by all means, name-call like the adult you are. after all, it's justified.

skank. slut. whore. cum dumpster. thunder cunt. man-eater. i don't even know how to BEGIN to name the things that are wrong with this. in the era of birth control that actually works.. you'd think men and women would be a little bit more equal. nope... as always, a man can do.. whatever.. nobody cares. a woman catches endless bullshit for 1/10th of the same behavior. it's bad enough when men are assholes.. but when one woman is putting another down? because someone is acting like a (male definied) "slut?" how could anyone be so thick as to NOT know that they are perpetuating a double standard created by men and maintained by their jealous girlfriends? reason why one woman is probably calling another woman "a slut": she never wants to hold her own man accountable for his own actions. he was wooed by the slut. not his fault. if she wouldn't be sooo slutty, he would never have cheated on me. i'm calling b-s on this.

last, but not least.... the slur of all slurs for women.. BITCH. what does it mean exactly? hostile? angry? mean? that you have a vagina? every woman has been called a bitch. every. single. one. and we all know how it feels when someone actually means it and isn't just tossing it at you because they can't think of anything else better to say. women have tried to take back "bitch" just like african americans have tried to take back the "n" word (wow, I am so politically correct right now). i mean, i guess it can be empowering to an extent... but if the wrong person uses it in a hurtful way.. it still stings. But then there are those instances where someone throws it at you because they just can’t think of anything else. It’s actually kind of hilarious. The best you come up with is “psycho bitch”? really? You’d think someone would be more offended if you told them that they have no soul. Or that your 2 year old nephew is more respectful and has better people skills? Men are notorious for picking this little ditty out of the bag when a woman doesn’t heed their sexual advances… even worse, refuses to acknowledge their obnoxious behavior. Ohhh I’m a bitch am i? that REALLY hurt coming from you. You with your backwards morality and inability to think for yourself.
But I digress.

The point is... this is the best people can come up with? Really? So the priorities of the average American woman are: beauty, emotional/mental stability (as perceived by others – because they’re the ones who count, dammit), perceived nunnery, and being happy ALL the time (because nobody wants to hang out with debbie downer). Sounds about right.

john stamos!

2010-08-18T07:30:00.009-04:00

tosh.0. i love it. i hate it. i looove it. i REALLY hate it. so good.

why i love tosh:

1.) that shit is bananas. the man says anything. making fun of society and pop culture.. it's brilliant. he says the shit everyone is thinking but doesn't have the balls to say. that's what makes it funny. and all of the politically incorrect shit that you KNOW you're not supposed to laugh at... but still find hilarious. yep,that's tosh.

2.) he wore deep v's and cardigans because his fans voted for his wardrobe... emo + grandma = awesome. actually, pirate + grandma = awesomer. wait, wait.. pirate + harry potter = awesomest. whew, glad i figured THAT one out.

3.) i love his segments. web redemptions? guess what happens next? i'm better than you... na-na na-na boo boo stick your head in doo doo?

4.) daniel tosh dressed up as a fairy, and had tea with a 6 year old - it just makes me happy.

why i hate tosh:
1.) he makes fun of people for being overweight. enough with the fat jokes already.

2.) he is a male chauvinist to the worst degree. hahahahha tosh just said women can't drive! again! why is it always funnier the 23,456th time? i think my inability to drive has way less to do with my perfect vag and giant, giant boobs than driving a shitty ass saturn with no power and horrible brakes... but what do i know, with my small woman-brain?

the sad thing about this... the man probably gets laid more than paris hilton. why? desperate (drunk) women love (funny) guys. and he's not grotesquely ugly, which would still probably make him attractive because he's soooo damn funny. oh, that daniel tosh (shucks, gee golly, *blush*).

3.) that cracker is racist. he's almost as bad as gay jewish black dudes.

4.) i still find his blatantly offensive jokes funny. probably because the underlying theme is web satire. am i a bad person if i laugh at a certain joke? dammit daniel.

i mean certain subjects just aren't funny. like... genocide, AIDS, cancer, eating disorders, weddings. "did i ever tell you the one about the engaged, bulimic uni-ball nazi that catches the hiv(pronounced like it rhymes with 'live')?" on second thought, i think tosh could handle that joke. move this to go under "why i love tosh."

hm... looks like the "loves" have it. even if they didn't, i'd still love tosh because he makes me look like mother theresa (if she was inundated by pop culture and had an uber witty blog).

TGIF! :o)

bob saget?

2010-08-17T08:45:00.004-04:00

right before i woke up i had a dream that my boyfriend pushed me (yes pushed) and bob saget (yeah, bob saget, not danny tanner) tried to convince me to end our "dysfunctional" relationship. i wasn't watching full house, and, no, i have NO idea what my deal is.

that was a great introduction to the actual point of this blog post: weddings.

so yeah. i'm 24. everybody's getting married. which is all... great and everything... woohoo people saying their vows in front of 100 people that were required to invite and 100 people that they sort of thought would tell other people about how great their wedding was.... all so that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce (in this country, anyway. and no i didn't make those numbers up. ps, raise your hand if you think homosexuals are severely overestimating the sanctity of marriage?). wow i should totally spend my life savings (and then some) on a giant party i have a 50% chance of being REALLY bitter about in the next 50 years. just kidding, that's not really my point at all... don't get me wrong, i believe in marriage. i just don't believe in weddings.

no, i'm not currently single. and yes, i would like to get married someday. but if i have to listen to one more person go on about their wedding... i. will. shoot. them. apparently it's the cool thing to do when you're in your mid 20's... brag about your wedding. NOBODY. CARES. really. they might pretend they do but they don't. maybe your mom cares. maybe. but i just don't know what it's like, and i must be so JEALOUS because i am not getting married. um... no. i just don't want to hear about yours unless i ask. capiche?

after you've been to ... i don't know 3 weddings... you've been to them all. that's right, i'll let you in on a secret.. they're all the same. if you want proof... watch wedding crashers. there's a reason that it made a ton of money. yes, it's stupid, but ironically true in a lot of aspects. it's fairly obvious that weddings have a template. welcome to american pop culture.

let me try to explain this another way. remember when you were 17 and you still got invited to sweet 16 parties because you knew people a year younger than you. but you didn't have a sweet sixteen because by the time your winter birthday rolled around, you were sick of them? that's what it's like after the 2nd wedding. as soon as i get to the church i'm looking at the "program" and praying that the ceremony is short and sweet. how much bad dj music do i have to listen to after the cake before i can leave without offending anyone? do i have to say bye? god, she's been talking auntie what's her face for like 30 minutes...i just want to LEAVE already.

so maybe you know either the bride or groom really well and you happen to really like the person. yes, you're excited that they're married. on their wedding day however.. they become pawns in a bad play that you've already seen 5 times. you will get to say "congratulations" and talk to the married couple for approximately 47 seconds. you will tell them how great their wedding is. they will say "thank you so much for being here today." then they will move on to talk to the next person. everyone at the singles table will be obnoxiously drunk... the bride and groom will toss the bouquet/garter at the people that are already engaged and are getting married next week (omg, it's like they tried it!). you've already spent $150 dollars between the bridal shower and the wedding gift. $50 on the dress you're wearing.

if you're lucky you get to sit with people you actually like.
but probably not. this situation gets exponentially worse if you are not allowed to bring a date. because i really want to sit there and listen to people ramble on about love when i'm sitting between tweedle dee and tweedle dum at the singles table. meanwhile they're both giving me googly eyes and trying to paw me while i'm texting my boyfriend about how i wish i was dead and how long i have to wait before i can leave.

i'm reminded of a "sex & the city" where carrie goes to a baby shower and someone lifts her manolo's because the "mom" makes her take her shoes off in the apartment... then refuses to pay for the lost shoes because she can't support carrie's "extravagant single lifestyle." yep, carrie's single in her mid thirties. and doesn't have kids. and that's her choice (which she doesn't deserved to be chastised for). i don't think that there's anything dysfunctional or sad about a person who doesn't jump into huge life responsiblities just because everybody else is doing it. actually, i'd call that being grounded and responsible.

where does it end? ok i'm a woman. i'm supposed to be thin, smart, rich, funny, have a great career, be happily married, and a mom. because that is what makes a person happy; i have to have everything or i am nothing.

how about i'm not going to follow some rules some dude made up to keep women in a subordinate position and instead of...oh. ho hum, i don't know... doing what i want? i'm not going to stop being intelligent, strong, and independant, just because i finally found a decent guy. i'm also not going to throw my good fortune in someone else's face and talk about how great i am because i happened to meet the right person.

NEWSFLASH:
you don't earn your marriage, nor do you deserve it. it's a gift and you're lucky to have it. respect it a little more than making it a venue with which to brag about how perfect your life is.

oh. congrats and best wishes!
:o)

workout, shmerkout.

2010-08-09T09:28:00.002-04:00

today my boss is getting a colonoscopy and i'm slightly jealous. that's how much i don't want to be here. ok maybe that's a complete and utter hyperbole. you get the gist. i'd like to eek out 40 hours this week even though i'm taking off friday and jetting out of here two hours early on thursday. probably not going to happen. in other news, my foot feels like it's broken (still) from two weeks ago coed soccer, and i still can't turn my head after pinching a nerve in my neck/shoulder a month ago plaing horseshoes at a family reunion. i wish i were kidding.

in lieu of my bitchfest, let's try something else to pass the early monday morning work hours:

why jackie warner* sucks:

she owns a gym in L.A. that's choochy in itself.

her book is called: "this is why you're fat (and how to get thin forever)." her most famous quote is: "Being fat isn't your fault; staying fat is." there are almost too many things wrong with both of those statements to comment. but i'll do my damndest:

i've always wanted to know why i'm so FAT, jackie, thanks. i haven't weighed myself in years.. but i damn well know i'm over 120. that's ginormous, right? gi-fucking-normous. it must be because i eat "bad foods" like... anything i want. or because i'm lazy. because, you know jackie, all fat people are lazy. and stupid. sooo stupid. stupid. stupid. i've always wanted to know how to become THIN (curveless) with 0 % body fat and rippling muscles so i can be an absolute clone of every woman who undereats because society has told her not to need.

because if i am not "thin," i am obviously just not trying hard enough. please, oh goddess of fitness, tell me how i should look and what i should eat. i am so sorry as to take up this much space; how dare i? instead i will follow your diet and exercise plan religiously (while making you rich) so that i might change myself from horribly fat to awesomely thin (and give you all the credit). because i am not enough, but somehow THIN is... because a slim philosophy isn't "love who you are" but "change who you are so that you're lovable." because being "healthy" doesn't mean "to have balance," but to be as "successful" as possible... because it's not about how many real friends you have, but about how much money you make and how many people know your name. it's also about what size you wear, because that information should obviously be posted on the outside of your clothing, so everyone can see how "hard you work" to be "healthy." your weight is obviously a choice.
so thank you, jackie warner. you make it ok to punish myself through the avenue of "fitness." i'm so glad you gave me this self-destructive outlet for all of my insecurities. whenever the bottom falls out... at least i have thin. it's SO fulfilling to be skin and bone.

SO fulfilling that it feels... empty.

you know you're a manufacturing enginerd when:

2010-07-29T08:07:00.002-04:00

1. you laugh at people who have business degrees
2. you solve the problem of the "missing paperwork" and can't shut up about how much of a genius you are because you're convinced your brain has an error proof algorithm for all such things at work.
3. you pull out your graphing calculator to check drawing dimensions
4. when you get bored you alphabetize and color code things. oh wait. that's just my OCD.
5. you use terms like "rubber insulated pipe clamp" and "FAR/DFAR compliant" in most sentences.
6. your calendar is full of meetings that are about things that happened today and needed to be fixed yesterday. now you have to cut out parts and re-weld them. way to go.
7. you think the term "engineering change" is a verb. "I EC-ed that shit."
8. you know that “the shop” is the place where you look exceptionally goofy wearing steel toed shoes, plastic protective eyewear, and earplugs.
9. dresses are for when you don’t feel like touching anything dirty or greasy. You can’t go down to the floor without something covering your legs.. it’s just not safe! (not to mention it will totally ruin your discount j crew dress)
10. you know drawing numbers, part numbers, and procedure numbers. but forget phone numbers.
11. you whine. It’s part of your job.
12. you complain at least once a day to someone else that so-and-so is an idiot (vendor, customer, someone who works out of earshot in your office).
13. you know more acronymns than actual words. in face i could speak in acronymns. it's like a secret language. seriously.

family reunion

2010-07-27T07:45:00.002-04:00

yep, it's that time of year again. hot as balls in july... sun so bright it's blinding... so humid you feel like you're underwater. perfect time to reunite with some family (at least.... you think they're related to you). family. your dad's ginger cousins, your grandma's sister's kids' kids' kids'.. kids... a guy that sort of looks like your great aunt and talks like your uncle so maybe you should be related? (or something).

my father's parents both come from ginormous families.... like i'm talking 12 kid families... this was the genesis of the "family reunion." now... it's just a bunch of people that don't know each other and live in hanover. ah yes, hanover. the magical land of country folk who don't know they're country. (everybody has a target. except hanoverians.) alas, i digress. back to the point.

so you show up at the family reunion, sweating your face off, ready to eat some potluck food (broccoli salad and baked beans!) and talk to the 5 people you actually KNOW at the reunion (your grandparents and a cousin or two) and avoid getting hugged by people you don't. at one point you will look around and realize who all those weird people are at walmart. they're related to you. endless crotchety old people come up to you and ask you whose kid you are. they think you are automatically your dad's cousin's kid because you are the only ginger in your immediate family. and then they ask you how old you are. and no, i'm not "still growing" i'm 24. nor am i married. or pregnant. oh god, this is not my husband it's my boyfriend. no, we don't have children. sweet LORD, we've been dating for 3 months!

then come the family prizes. youngest child.. congratulations you get this bag of skanky potpurri from 1927. oldest fart.. you get this collection of glasses cousin jill won at the jefferson carnival. if you gots lots of change in your purse.. you could win.. wait for it....
a framed picture with a Bible verse that nobody wanted because it's ugly. don't worry you can always wrap it up next year and "donate" it to the family for another sweet sweet prize.

probably the most inevitable event of the family reunion is the old people complaining about how the "young people" don't show up. well... cousin jamie lives in california... but she should've MADE THE EFFORT. people have things to do now-a-days... like sit in their airconditioning watching their 300 dish channels. family reunion? or 90210 marathon on soap net? that's not even a question. i can relate more with dylan mccay than great aunt mildred. brenda walsh is friendlier than uncle nutsy. and who doesn't love bitching about valerie? she's in the tv... she can't hear you. you can say whateeeever you want. sorry, i have a major affinity for the niner.

i guess i am just at the age where there are already WAY too many family reunions. they're called weddings.

bathroom etiquette

2010-07-26T07:21:00.001-04:00

yes, i'm really talking about this.

i drink lots of coffee, therefore have to pee approximately 34,596 every day. so yeah, i notice these things.

my best bathroom etiquette is saved for when other people are actually in the bathroom. like when you're speeding and you see a cop, so you slow down a little. or a lot. i never use the paper seat covers. there are three (3) stalls in there and no more than 15 women on my floor. i figure my ass is probably cleaner than most of these people's hands. plus, the paper seat cover dispenser is not IN the stall, but outside. i forget. but when there are other people in the bathroom, you better believe i go for the seat cover. what if someone is a germaphobe? might as well keep the illusion alive.

now, i ALWAYS wash my hands. don't always soap them down and lather rinse repeat, but always they get a rinse and a dry. am i allowed to do that? not use soap? i'd use soap if i were on the rag or something.. but it's not like i'm touching anything but toilet paper. not like i'm a dude and i gots to hold 'im steady. of course my male dog likes to walk and pee at the same time. shouldn't he wash his paws? SPEAKING of washing hands.. a certain someone alerted me that when she would breast pump at work behind this privacy curtain thing.. she'd have to sit in the bathroom for a long time.. and A LOT of people didn't wash their hands. like so many that i can't even tell you the number because it'd make you sick. like poppy made your pizza and didn't wash his hands-sick.

now.. for the old ladies that could give a crap (literally) and spend a good portion of their day kevin- (from the office) like and stinking up the bathroom...open the window.. or bring an air freshner or a candle? (come on, even kevin brings a candle to the office). yeah they don't do any of these things. when you turn fifty does your nose like... go bad or something?

and yes, i shit ice cream and pee lemonade.

donna chang & india jones

2010-07-09T07:36:00.003-04:00

so yesterday... i'm getting my teeth drilled at the dentist by this super nice indian woman (dot, not feather). she really was giving off the "i have my shit together" vibe, which i always admire. so she's drilling my teeth and she says to me... "you. you are blessed. and at peace. i can sense it. not many people have that. you are content. you're very lucky."

so up until this point in the day i was thinking about how i couldn't for the life of me decide what direction i want to go with my career.. there are just too many choices. i was getting overwhelmed with indecision. what if i choose wrong and i'm miserable? how am i going to deal?

after this comment... i did a 180. ohhh so my life is good. according to the eastern lady that met me 10 minutes ago. why is it that i am more inclined to believe the intuition of someone who is.. well... not of european decent? indians, asians... they just sound more credible when it comes to spiritual matters than.. say... the woman who sits on her back porch in a fabric chair watching my boyfriend's sister's yard every second of every day.

which of course.. brings me back to a certain seinfeld. jerry went out with a woman named "donna chang." he thought she was asian until he met her. WHITE AS MILK. and george's mother was going to take advice from her.. until she found out she was white. i believe that direct quote is.. "but i thought she was a chinese woman?!"

which brings me back to another indian dude at work who is a REALLY low talker. because he speaks so quietly, i feel like everything the guy says is important. i listen better. if he was a low talking white guy.. let's face it. i'd probably ignore him. or tell the cracker to speak up.

so, let's see... what advice do people take from white people?

money advice? oh wait, that's jews.

the secret to every professional sport ever? definitely a black thing.

martial arts? asian. or chuck norris.

soccer? brazilian.

dancing? latino.

knife fighting? latino.

maid services? latina.

wait, i got it. NASCAR. when someone wants to know about NASCAR, they ask white people.

now that's something to be proud of. does ginger count as a different race?

lyrics can be deceiving

2010-07-06T07:18:00.004-04:00

ever listen to a song and think.. that's an absolutely horrible observation. that's not remotely true, but i'll sing (or dance) along anyway, cuz i like the melody or the beat?

about a zillion jokes have been made about alanis morisette's "ironic." here are a few more....

"like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife..."
knife.. pshht. pick it up with your hands, fancy pants. what's more ironic? knives. hm. a thief getting mugged at knifepoint? a baby spoon and a fork with which to eat your peas. so, no matter what, you have to eat them one at a time. ten thousand pats on the back when you really need the heimlich?

"rain on your wedding day..."
how is that remotely ironic? it's like.. your favorite couple ever getting DIVORCED on your wedding day when you've tried to model your relationship after them. rain on your wedding day? what if you live in seattle? you wouldn't be prepared for this sort of thing? so buy a big freaking umbrella. or move to alaska so it can snow on your wedding day.

"it's meeting the man of your dreams. then meeting his beautiful wife."
wrong. he's only the man of your dreams on paper and you probably don't even know him. if you know him well enough to know he's the man of your dreams... isn't that creepy? would your husband to have a close enough relationship with another woman for her to KNOW he's the man of her dreams? i thought not. clear as mud.

"it's a black fly in your chardonnay..."
good think i flippin HATE chardonnay. bring on the black flies... that way i don't have to drink it.

"it's a death row pardon... two minutes too late..."
yeah except that would never happen. what's MORE interesting than a death row PARDON two minutes to late is brand spanking new conclusive evidence of INNOCENCE.

you know what's ACTUALLY ironic? that i went to lehigh for a chemical engineering degree and i spend more time facebooking and writing my blog. and i get paid... A LOT for it.

a few more things:
1. don't ever look up the lyrics to a lady gaga song. (s)he doesn't say anything... just speaks reh-tard tranny gibberish (no, i DON'T want to take a ride on your disco stick).

2. actual lyrics to any rap song = disgusting. i should be offended as a woman. but the beat is just soooo good. listen to the ben folds cover of "bitches ain't shit." it sounds a lot different when i white guy coos the lyrics to acoustic.

who would've thought... it figures.

BAMF

2010-06-30T07:08:00.003-04:00

so i got a tattoo. yep. it's a harry potter homage... a complete order of the phoenix portrait.. in patronuses.

just kidding.

it's a barbed wire tattoo around my quad.

jokes.

it's a frosty anchor because my company builds air conditioners for the navy. HAH.

dwight schrute bobble head.

wishbone (the jack russell terrier that teaches you awesome classic literature, not the bone).

one of those purses made out of jeans that looks like an ass.

asparagus.

the black smoke monster entwined with jacob and hurley with the words "live together or die alone" encircling it.

ok ok, it's really a face tattoo of my face. on my face.

an orange mocha frappaucino.

slice of pizza?

"DICK"in size 72 jokerman font?

my phone number and address?

"serenity now, insanity later"

a broken twisty straw to represent my resolution to stop sucking.

an adidas & nike symbol separated by a basalisk.

a leopard print snuggie.

the sound of silence.

jeff foxworthy

brett micheals eating mr. yogato

"major homo."

a girl with kaleidescope eyes

all of my shop floor safety equipment

"if you can read this you're standing way too close to me"

"Made in China" on my forehead.

Aragorn, Neo, and Yoda battling on my calf.

a guacamole rendition of jesus.

a giant cockroach. sorry, "palmetto bug."

garbage eating a crab. nom nom nom.

Ents toting machine guns and chasing M. Night. Shamalanylanlanlanlan.

a mustachio on my tricep.

mel gibson stuck to the wall with a bunch of ninja stars shaped like the star of david.

paris hilton getting crushed by a periodic table. or a book. maybe the letter "A."

a can of natty light.

ok ok.

serious face.

it was all of those.

now i don't even have to wear sleeves because they are ALREADY THERE, son.

just kidding.

but seriously. ish.

bored has a new meaning

2010-06-17T08:28:00.003-04:00

today i find myself intolerably bored. i just can't care about locktite, vibe testing, and adapter plates. so here is something much less boring: the world cup.

i had high expectations for the U.S.... until i saw them look shitty and unorganized the first half against england. the best thing about that game was that their terrible keeper GAVE us a free goal and a point in the group stage. maybe that's all the luck we needed to get our shit together. landon played ok, not great. he is definitely a marked man.

the surprise of the game... a returning-from-injury Gooch played really well in back. who knew? i guess michael bradley did. but altidore was exhausted, why couldn't he spring him earlier and use buddle to look for a goal earlier in the second half? madness. i like robbie finley uptop but think he could be a bit more dangerous in a substitute role with his speed. but now that the US are playing.. not england in the next game they have some freedom to find their stride and play with a few things. not that this is by any means a throwaway game. but if you can't beat slovenia, you deserve to go home.

and the ESPN commentators (the ones who don't know shit about soccer) that gave the U.S. a 60% chance of winning that game? are you on CRACK? it's at least 75%. we probably had a 25% chance of not losing the england game and we managed to pull that off. we have like a 60% chance of beating mexico. not. slovenia.

i'm hoping the U.S. wins out and scores some good goals in the rest of the group stage. they need it.

Spain is ridiculously good and they LOST. Germany and Argentina look good... france blows. and i just hate me the italians. i was sad that south africa got so throughly killed by uruguay on their national holiday.. but they uruguans deserved the solid win.

you never know what's going to happen. come on, U.S., PLEASE do something! the embarassment of 2006 makes me nauseous. isn't it time for SOMETHING to come together for us. the most exciting thing we've done was that portugal win in 02,' when ronaldo was less of an asshole and figo was still running things. brian ching FINALLY got cut, we no longer have jeff flippin agoos, and we happened to tie england. come. freaking. on.

fat talk

2010-06-08T11:30:00.004-04:00

going to digress from my normal hilarity to something a bit more serious: fat talk

"fat talk" is the shit people say in social situations putting themselves/certain foods in a negative light...

"i can't have that donut. i was BAD this week."
"i should get it without the cheese. because it has so much fat."
"look at you, so skinny. i need to lose ____ lbs."

you know what i'm talking about.. and everything else that goes with those comments.

EARTH TO MIKUS: this doesn't serve any purpose except to be super duper negative and... pretty fucking annoying.

"but i really DO need to lose weight." sayyyyys every woman on the planet.

here are a few tips:
1. if you stop "emotional eating" (i.e. eating when you're not "really" hungry), you'll find that you eat what you want when you want... and you'll stop when you're full. your body will find it's natural weight. everyone's is different. you might not like your natural weight. IT'S PART OF WHO YOU ARE. no matter how much weight you gain or lose, your body will FIGHT to be at its "set point."

2. every woman has cellulite. kim kardashian gets hers lasered off. seriously. get over it.

3. stop dieting. it doesn't work. don't count calories. go to a nutritionist. find what makes a balanced meal and work on it. soon, you won't be thinking about food anymore.

4. buy clothes that fit you THE WAY YOU ARE NOW AT THIS MOMENT and FLATTER you.

5. don't buy women's magazines. they blow.

6. don't judge people by their weight. larger does not mean lazy. thin does not mean bitchy. you are NOT what you eat. you are MORE.

7. don't work out because you "have to." find a physical activity you ENJOY and stick with it.

8. learn to be flexible. one meal or one workout will NOT change your body. seriously, let it go. establish long term healthy habits and work on living a full life.

9. thinner does not "fix" anything. ever. nope, not even that.

10. don't say you're "full" after you eat a piece of lettuce. really. we know you're making it up.

there's my 2 cents. not that you asked for it. but, your fault, you read it anyway.

franglais

2010-06-02T07:47:00.003-04:00

what do we actually remember from the years of foreign language class that were forced upon us in high school? i took french for 3 whole years and this is what i remember:

1.) computer = un ordinateur
2.) "Dr. & Mrs. Vandertramp" is a good acronym to remember verbs that use "etre" in past tense instead of.. "to have" (avoir?) or something. not that i remember tenses at all.
3.) "je ne sais pas" is "i don't know"
4.) madame going through menopause before our very eyes
5.) foreign language week.. with all the food. and the food. and the awesome food. all day long.
6.) trois cent poisson! (three hundred fish. it rhymes.)
7.) zut, zut, et zut! ("gee golly gosh darnit!)
8.) "je m'appelle claude." just kidding, i guess i remembered that from "friends."
9.) my first french name was "rose." second one was "genvieve." couldn't go with "joyeux," could i?
10.) i love me some biblioteque and the boulingerie (boo-lawn-ger-ee). just kidding i have no idea what that is, but it was fun to say.
11.) my favorite thing about french was the silent "h." "l'hopital" sounded like LOW-PEE-TAL)
12.) "if you're going to swear, do it in french!" ~ madame

i remember random words but struggle to form sentences. i know the verb "to look for" because it pertains to shopping. je cherche la clearance. wait, i guess that's all i need to know. "i'm looking for the sale."
BAM.
french'ed.

looking for a smile like mine, you can't find it.

2010-06-01T07:16:00.005-04:00

June 1, 2010. Johnson Controls Calendar. Calendar photo: Lush, green landscape, superceded by moldy looking stone grey pyramid-y thing with steps. Great, Plaza, Tikal, Guatemala.

Can someone please explain to me, why, every year of my public school education, we discussed Mayans, Aztecs, and the Incas in such detail that i STILL remember that shit?

the mayans.. and their prediction that the world would end December 13, 2012. how they sacrificed young virgins at Chichen Itza. the aztecs. cortez, the gold. Tenochtitlan. the incas. peru. moutains. yeah, incas.

why is it that i know absolutely nothing about the founding of canada, and probably less about america? incas, myas, aztecs = important. recent american history = MOOT. why is it that i know fuck all about the vietnam war? or the berlin wall coming down? tiananmen square? did people, like, die or something? how is it that i remember jewish ghettos and megele.... but not quite sure about what the eff is going on in iraq? morbid details.. NO PROBLEM. actual shit that was probably important? CLUELESS. how is it that the only thing i know about apartheids is from watching "hotel rwanda," "blood diamond," and "the constant gardener? so, public school... teaching about mengele mutilating people... totally cool. shit that happened in the nineties.. offfff limits.

maybe it's that i ONLY remember the shit that tramautized me. but now i watch SVU with a full course meal in front of me, no problem. maybe THAT's what the point of our public school education was. totally practical... de-sensitize the masses so that they can become sheep-like in their obedience to Republican Party ideals. but who wants more funding for public education... DEMOCRATS. uh-huh. see how that works? obama is just gearing up to become world dictator. don't say you haven't been warned.

speaking of public school. what's with the lunch ladies? chuck wagon? having to sell your soul to be able to use the bathroom? homeroom? gym class?

don't get me wrong, no way in hell my hypothetical children are going to private school. you think i'm paying for K-12 hypothetical tuitions + college education on top of that? playa please. home school? those kids always turn out weird and i gots stuff to do. like dance like everyone's watching and write witty blog posts on the shortcomings of public education.

you're welcome.

rick james, bitch!

2010-05-27T07:31:00.003-04:00

holla back youngin, wooo woooooo.
time to talk about an event pretty much no one in america cares about. THE WORLD CUP!
so the final 23 man roster was picked yesterday. here are the mistakes bob bradley made (already):
bornstein... yep, he scored a big goal. he still plays like a jackass though. you can't have an outside back that plays like a jackass. that only works if you play forward or midfield and are italian. or named christiano ronaldo and can do whatever you want. either this kid steps up big time or turns out to be a giant embarassment. no in between here.
gooch... yep, he's the man when he's healthy. but coming off an injury and not match fit... and you want him to DEFEND. in the WORLD CUP? um. yeah. good luck with that, bradley. gooch got outjumped by a 5'5" czech ball boy.
jeff agewwwwwse... whoa just kidding. that's bruce arena's mistake that is still haunting me from 02'.
brian mcching.... gotcha again! he got cut this time! that's bruce arena's mistake from 06'! (when twellman was hot and should've been given a legitimate shot. but of course he didn't get one. because he plays in the MLS, which apparently doesn't count for anything despite every national team coach proclaiming how great the league is and how much it helped our talent grow. don't get me wrong... the MLS blows but there is SOME talent there)
beasley. yep, he has been the man in the past. i don't think he has it anymore. his weapon was blinding speed. now that everyone knows about it... he's not THAT difficult to defend. why not give kljestan a shot? the dude is 25, this would be the PERFECT time to get him involved in a world cup roster. the kid is BRILLIANT, BRILLIANT i tell you! and has about five years on the bease. case in point why american soccer might not be going anywhere. FOREVER. i might be slightly biased... attending sacha's alum for a year and all. but trust me. he. is. the. shit.
what was (and has always been) the U.S.'s problem is team chemistry at the highest level. if landon doesn't show up this time, it ain't gettin done. period.
chemistry... ESPECIALLY with the defense. some miracle has to happen in the next... week or so to get our defense to be capable of defending the likes of wayne rooney and barty (i mean peter) crouch. gimpy gooch vs. injured wayne rooney.. yeah rooney still wins. by about a billion. he has to do ONE brilliant thing to get a goal; gimpy gooch has to be 100% mistake free. see the difference? i do, however, love me some steve cherundalo. the man is solid.
dempsey and lando need to show up BIG for us to go anywhere. i am SUPER pumped for edson buddle, though. "hi, my name is edson. the last time i played on the U.S. team was in 03.' i have spent the last seven years gutting it out in MLS and becoming awesomer. and i deserve this shot, biznotch." that's what i think he'd say, anyway. i'm routing for the guy. thank the sweet LORD brian mcching got cut... he was a sad, 2.0 version of brian mcbride. who wasn't that good either. my mom is better with her feet than that guy is. he would've had more luck scoring goals if he popped the ball of the ground and tried to head it in... every time.
long story short... praying for yet another U.S.-getting their shit together for once- moment. let's go lando!

a GPS couldn't get me unLOST

2010-05-24T07:23:00.005-04:00

i was going to regale you, the public, with stupid anecdotes about dharma initiative tampons and uncle rico tossing the pig skin with his son, ben linus, back in 82.' turns out, i'ma nerd out on everyone and make an important point:

the lost writers had no idea where they were going with this show at any point in the entire series. yes, character study: accomplished. did the plot make sense? helllllll to the no.

so.. word on the street. the island was a real place and all of that actually happened. the "beta-universe" was some type of purgatory where all the characters met up again before they made their final journey (and "moved on"). jack was the last to move on.

then. why did the series end the same way it began, except jack closed his eyes? and all of the plane wreckage was shown. with no survivors. except.. vincent. the DOG? what the eff? and jack's dad's shoe. was in the scene right before he closed his eyes. yeah. explain THAT.

how come the man in black turned into black smoke when he got pushed to the light and jack and desmond just.. you know.. unplugged/plugged a hole in the ground?

yes, ben linus was the child of an alcoholic. he also murdered a SHITTON of people and changed his mind 12 times in the final episode as to what side he was on. yeah, he should get another shot in purgatory. uh-huh.

can someone tell me why walt was special? and why jon locke saw him after he left the island even though he wasn't dead? i'd also like to high five jimmy kimmel for congratulating "michael" for killing ana lucia in the after lost finale special.

what ever happened with aaron? did clair go un-crazy?

why was charlie wearing more eyeliner in the beta universe than clair?

jack/juliet/sawyer/kate = foursome.
weird.

anna lucia shouldn't have been a cop in the alternate universe. she should've been sawyer. gahhhh none of it makes any sense! and ok, so all of the characters were flawed and came to the island because jacob chose them. except for hurley, who was awesome in every way. he just happened to win the lottery and be mentally ill. his fault? not so much.

more importantly, i'd like to know why nikki/pauolo EVER happened.

i rest my case.

james lipton:scrumtrulescent :: joy:magma

2010-05-21T14:54:00.006-04:00

awesome band names (a progression on rhymizzles):

joy and pain
poi in rain
toy insane
boy named jane
soy airplane
soul unchained
bowl to blame
scowl in shame
towel after game
meow my name
plow it tame
smell that frame
tella douche he's lame
"stella!" says elaine
fella is disdained
umbrella dats drained
some killa crane
dumb til the refrain
come to the train
bum so stained
sumthin like ashamed
orphans' psyche fame rushed
morph like an animagus
dwarfs can't reach the stool-as
force a rat to eat tulips
coerce your cat to mew less
disperse those fool-as
"First," says da rulas
"Curse your medulas!"
terse like mule-as
perverse in the schools
retwerk the coolers
rewind the spool, brah
bind em' cruel, son
find lice drool fun.

ferngullible

2010-05-20T07:37:00.003-04:00

i don't hate the environment by any means. seriously, born and raised in the country.. and as much as i may have complained about it... i like living here. room to run, room to breathe. i think people SHOULD pay more attention to the impact they have on our planet. but the environment bullshit that's flying around as of late...

1. avatar (ferngully 2) - without the 3D in-theatre experience... kind of made me nauseous. oh no, the evil republicans and their big business, killing blue people and ruining their tree of life... all to make money. and obtain "unobtanium." seriously. "unobtanium?" you couldn't come up with anything better, james cameron? and the insane psychotic military man who would stop at nothing just to kill blue people? i mean really... what was the motivation? with his dying breath, he still wants to kill aliens? and that helps him how? he's certainly not obtaining the unobtainium and making a shitton of money with which to kill more blue people. let's be honest... military man hates eywa because he believes she is to blame for his impotence. that has to be it.

2. global warming - even if there WAS significant climate change.. the role that humans play in this = nonexistent. unless you think that al gore invented the internet. then it's TOTALLY legit.

3. recycling - anyone ever tell you that you use MORE energy to recycle shit than you actually save? check this out. http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1444391672891013193#
now, of course bullshit! is completely biased and libertarian. but it's interesting. if you're going to watch ferngully 2, you should at least give this episode a gander. it's only fair.

4. captain planet - earth, water, wind, fire, heart. could someone tell me how "heart" fits into this? "The five teenagers, each originating from a different region of the world and who together represent several major ethnic groups, are each given a ring which allows them to temporarily control one of the four classical elements — Earth, Fire, Wind, and Water — as well as a fifth element, Heart, which represents love and communication and enables telepathy and empathy, as well as potential mind control." yes that's wiki. and MIND CONTROL. way to go, "heart." and what's with that dude's pet monkey? nobobdy knooowwwwwwwssss.

5. hippies that use cloth diapers - for reals? people still do this? accidentally went to a pampered chef party with hippie moms. who used cloth diapers. with little tails sown on them. awww isn't that cute? excuse me for wanting to throw shit away. literally. oh, AND the chick whipped out the girls and breastfed in front of a room full of people who had never met her. i tried not to stare. but, seriously... cover that shit up or go in a different room. people were trying to EAT.

6. transformers - i have no idea how this fits in, but it has the same lame ass vibe. and as uh.. not megan fox, i have a propensity to hate megan fox because everything with a penis worships her. toe-thumbs and all. not to mention.. a man-boy that looks like shia.. could never score megan fox. for reals.

sorry, i had a lot of h8rade this morning.

~your fucking ray of sunshine,
joy.

driving miss crazy

2010-05-13T11:34:00.004-04:00

between my father chauffeuring me to and from work and my boyfriend driving me everywhere... i think i have effectively forgotten how to drive. well, sort of. just had other things on my mind, i guess. like... not driving... things i could be doing instead of driving. which reminds me of the list o' stuff i should do...

1. clean my room. yes i still live with my parents. and my room is disgusting. probably because i just throw clothes all over the place and leave. it'll be like shopping at goodwill because i'll find "new" things i forgot i had. "goodwill" because they're probably cheap and coffee stained.

2. watch ferngully 2. i mean avatar.

3. change my dundie award plaque from "whitest sneakers award" to "bushiest beaver award." for some reason, i think people might not get it. no matter how funny it is.

4. figure out what i'm doing with my life when september comes. i could either.. extend my contract here, get paid for writing this crap all day. try to actually get a job here where i will have actual responsibility, get paid more, and be less bored.. but i'd have to do shit. find another job that is NOT five minutes from my house. and will take awhile to settle in to. give into my wildest dream and become a high school calculus teacher. strip and write. until my writing career takes off. then i will just strip. i mean write. start robbing banks drawing on the expertise of that kid at lehigh who was president of my class who tried to rob a bank. oh wait. he got arrested. nevermind. steal a shopping cart and become a bag lady. would have to ask clair from lost where she gets her hair did first, though. find the Island. audition for the Real World, then do Challenges for the rest of my life. apprentice for Kat at LA Ink. turn into black smoke and fly my ass right over to the other island.

5. figure out how to waste 7.5 more hours today.

6. start MMA training. just kidding, i mean FINISH.

7. start my own local bar. where the waitresses are actually polite. and last call is at 2am, like the rest of the world.

8. get a landon donovan jersey before the world cup. so's i can wear it 24/7 and annoy the shit out of people who hate soccer.

9. watch "the big lebowski" while downing white russians. take a trip outside and try to hit wildlife with a bowling ball while screaming "nobody fucks with the jesus!"

10. take a nap. now. at work. under my desk like constanza. i'm on it.

dangerously bored

2010-05-10T07:12:00.003-04:00

yep. what the title of this post says.

funny how on a monday morning, i'm so cranky that i can't be bothered to talk to the woman that sits a 10 feet away from me. i emailed her before i would actually speak to her... to avoid mundane questions such as "how way your weekend?" and "can you believe it's monday already?" it's almost like when my roommate and i in college my freshman year used to speak on AIM but not in real life. somehow it felt like way less effort. and i found it stupidly entertaining. i think i giggled every time. i especially liked to exchange facebook messages with someone who was in my apartment but not in the same room with me. yeah.

i'm supposed to get a new work computer. apparently this temp's (joy points to herself) computer is due for an upgrade. i haven't even been here a year, but, hey.. joy deserves the best. what's NOT the best is that our IT department manages to eff everything up on a pretty regular basis. i will lose access to a vital program somehow, someway, when they switch out my PC and bring me a ginormous monitor. then i will spend at least half a day talking to some indian guy for several hours because he cannot "host" my computer and just fix whatever is wrong because he is not a U.S. citizen. (seriously, i work for the navy.. we're like.. not allowed to let non-U.S. citizens have pretty much anything we touch). oh, not to mention, i've got to awkwardly ASK the dude if he's a U.S. citizen. i wonder what the IT guys think. like, who the eff is this bitch? i'm not qualified because i'm not an american?
well, abu dhabi, yeah. but not in the way you think. hey, he could steal vital information that i keep on my desktop. like ... my grad school application essays. or the memoir i wrote almost entirely at work. or my backup cell phone number spreadsheet just in case something happens to my smart chip. or perhaps the pictures of my nephew i've saved from my email to my desktop in order to download them to my facebook wall. yep, matters of national security. homeland security even. threat level: seafoam green. maybe periwinkle.
i am DREADING when the dude shows up with my new computer. DREADING. the lights will flicker on and off, the building will shake. apocalypse. chaos. and worst of all i won't be able to get ANYHING done. ohhh wait. that's... not different from my current situation. in any way. actually it might be more exciting for a bit.

random-icity

2010-05-06T07:26:00.002-04:00

there are things i think and should never say outloud but sometimes i do.

1. listening to Girl Talk... one of the mash-ups included Jackson 5, "ABC." i don't know if it was the physical activity (running) while listening, but i got the words "i'm gonna teach you... all about LONDON!" stuck in my head. (it's supposed to be "i'm gonna teach you... all about love, girl!" then for some reason i couldn't stop singing it outloud. which my boyfriend heard me do and he's all like, "what the f song is that?" and i wanted to say "jackson 5" but i knew those couldn't be the real words even though it TOTALLY sounds like it. when you're on mile 5 of 6 in 85 degree humid weather.

2. so in order to get to the floor where my office is at work, you have to go through this twisty turn-ey maze before you walk up the final flight of stairs to azkaban. everytime i speed walk through the corners, i pretend i'm playing wii mario cart. the corners of the walls jut out and there are sharp 90 degree angles... if you just focus on walking the diagonal, you barely have to turn. but if you make the 90 degree turn everytime, it takes forever. there's your tip for the day.

3. i say "meh" outloud at work a ton. sometimes it sounds like a barnyard animal noise. even people i don't know. they ask a question, i say "meh."
"Joy, how is the MRU coming along?"
"mehhhhhhh." (joy walks away)

4. i've definitely said outloud, in a public area that the dude who helps us run the test block needs a breath mint like whoa because he is a smoker. and he's not a shop guy, he's a marketing guy that actually works in my office. yeah, whoops. maybe someone will tell him i think he stinks.

5. sometimes i tell people my father is in a terrible mood just to see the horrific looks on their faces. now, THAT is power. way to go, pops. instill fear, inspire submission. i learned from the best.

6. i randomly blurt out coaching stories from last spring that probably make me sound like an asshole. i might think telling a waitress who asks me what i'll have, "i can't make that decision right now" is funny... maybe you had to be there to appreciate my raging mood swings when we lost.

7. probably shouldn't make fun of the guy that looks like milton and eats everything that isn't nailed down. but whispering to the people in the general area of my cube "better get some free donuts now" five seconds after someone puts them down is more of a warning than a dig at what's his nuts. seriously, you have to get there before he does or you get the one unappetizing donut that tastes kind of like cardboard with powdered sugar on it. and you have to eat it anyway because there are starving children in bolivia that would shank each other with homemade wooden sporks for that shitty donut. which means you should eat it no matter how disgusting it is. right? americans aren't obese, they're big boned.

happy thursmaday!

girl talk

2010-05-04T13:24:00.002-04:00

warning:

if you're a dude.. you probably want to skip reading this blog post. for real, this one is for the ladies.

guuuesss what, girls? the time has come for my ANAL well-woman exam. i think i meant "annual." wooohoooo! i know, i know. it's the best day of the year. like my birthday, christmas, and st. patty's day combined. but awesomer. because you get a strange woman to look at your cookie using a cold septum and a flashlight while she talks to you about where you went to college, what you do for a living, and whether you like curling or ice luge best... oh wait, it SUCKS. it's THE WORST DAY OF THE YEAR. it's the ONE doctor appointment that is worse than work. ONE. the first one is especially traumatic. especially when you're almost twenty.

Grandma gyno:"so, how many partners have you had?"
Terrified nineteen year old:"zero."
Pause.
(dirty look)
Grandma gyno:"just who the fuck do you think you're kidding, ginge!"

ok it didn't go EXACTLY like that. but sort of. i heard. this isn't about me. that would be weird.

i have to wonder how awkward it is when a samantha jones type goes in for a visit. we all know what happened when she went in for the hiv (pronounced like it's spelled, not the acronym) testing. that was bad enough. even better, a samantha jones in a small, conservative, pennsylvania town.

PA dutch gyno: "how many different partners have you had?"
cricket.
cricket.
gun-shot.
sam: "i'm counting."

and what's with the ridiculous names women have for their goodies? i heard whoopi goldberg call it a "pudenda." hahahah pudenda. maybe that's a good one.
who can forget the Va Jay Jayyyy? thanks oprah. Jerry Macguire: "i did not shoplift the pooty."
prize box?
dollar store?
south america?
mexico?

whatever your phrasing, C is for Cookie. and that's good enough for me.

word association rhiiiizymes. ish.

2010-04-29T14:29:00.005-04:00

boom roasted
burnt toasted
bam broasted
lamp posted
lamb poster
tram boaster
exam coaster
ex jokester
next cokester
flex poker
text polka
sext troll-a
connect pensicola
disect rock n' roll-a
bisect stroll-a
insect koala
trifecta o' ball-as
re-invent the mollusk
present cornhusks
defend porntusks
comprehend the mindfuck
pretend dumptruck
rescind stumpduck
defriend chipmunk
stipend shipsunk
try to lend Dumpstafunk
drive in dunkindonuts
strive to avoid chickenpox
survive like the redsox
dive in the sandbox
high five for redox
connive like a redfox
beehive in the boondocks
lehigh in the playoffs
pie in the smirnoff
fly like hasselhoff
die playing frisbee golf
try slaying rudolph
pi splaying danceoff
joy says mazel tov!

dants off pance off

2010-04-27T07:04:00.002-04:00

just kidding, this should be called MOVIE OFF:

in an attempt to solidify arbitrary, perfectly meaningless facts, it was decided by the gchat dieties that a new game shall be played in order to waste more of my life.

MOVIE OFF!
the rules:
1. choose 2 movies with one common actor
2. watch both movies
3. provide an in depth critique of which one is better/worse and why
4. if you're trying to figure out which movie is worse, drink your face off. hangover style while watching the terrible movies
5. there ARE right answers. don't be wrong.

now here are some quality, worth-while movie offs to be had:
1. Speed/Point Break (Keaaannuuuu)
2. Cocktail/Top Gun (Crazy Scientologist)
3. Con Air/ The Family Man (the one, the only NICK CAGE)
4. Every single movie, ever. (Samuel L. Jackson)
5. Sixteen Candles/ The Breakfast Club/ Pretty in Pink (shmolly shmingwald)
6. The Sixth Sense/ Diehard (duh)
7. Saturday Night Fever/ Phenomenon (the two very different sides of travolta)
8. Mystic Pizza/ My Best Friend's Wedding (DARE you to figure out which movie is worse. DARE YOU.)
9. Running Man/ Twins (ARNOLD)
10. The Departed/ Good Will Hunting (maaatttt dammmoonnnn)
11. Splash/ Turner and Hooch (tom skanks)
12. Heathers/ Untamed Heart (christian. slater.)
13. Garden State/ Star Wars Episode II (way to go, portman)
14. Sister Act/ Sister Act II (whoooopi)
15. the lake house/ sweet november (keanu)
16. love potion number 9/ while you were sleeping (sandy)
17. beaches/ hocus pocus (bette)
18. pretty in pink/ mannequin/ st. elmo's fire (mccarthy)

feel free to add your own...

it's greek. to you.

2010-04-22T13:24:00.005-04:00

so i'm a nerd. i frequently think of greek symbols i wish to type during various internet conversations. like seriously, they should be on the keyboard. i'd use them more than the "f" keys. those effing f keys.

alpha - for some reason i want to say "is proportionate to" a lot. wish i could just type the damn fish.

sigma - who doesn't want to say "the summation of"? instead i have to type... the summation of brain cells from sorostitute in leggings to anyone named "whitney" is anything to the zero power.

delta - want to use it to mean "change". delta(joy's personality somehow measured quantitatively)/delta(time)= a googol. (psst. that's. a. number.) can't think of how i'd use partial derivative in a conversation. or del operator. but here's hopin.

omega. yes i'd like to be able to type the "ohm" without typing "ohm." your resistance to omega is futile.

theta - angles. HELLLLOOOOO. the amount of "work" i do at work = sin(theta) when theta = (n)*(pi), where n is an integer. what?

squiggle - reaction rates. ok, maybe not as useful in my everyday life. what the flip else do you use lowercase zeta for?

lambda - yes i talk about wavelengths on gchat

rho - and density.

mu - who doesn't want to 10^-6 something? i (mu)like him right now. or viscoscity. (mu of joy) decreases as (alcohol consumption) increases = joy way more likely to end up on the floor.

pi - seriously. this way idiots couldn't mistake "pi" for "pie." mmmmm pie. what if you had a pie shaped like "pi"? oh. snap.

nu - frequency, kinematic viscoscity. just kidding, completely not useful.

tau - shear stresses in fluid mechanics. yeah, also not useful. nevermind.

so... there are about a gazillion more math/engineering applications of greek letters. i have most likely forgotten them because they are useless in everyday life. except for those rare occasions where i like to rant about them on my blog. yes, i do realize i have out-nerded myself.
(joy takes a bow).

freaky motha focka

2010-04-21T07:10:00.004-04:00

about a week and a half ago, i saw david sedaris when he came to baltimore. he obligingly shared delicious anecdotes with the audience consisting mostly of literati, gays, and the mensa population within a fifty mile radius (most of the audience met all three of these criteria). after getting used to his high-pitched voice (think noreen's boyfriend from seinfeld, the high talker), i relaxed into satirical humor oblivion, free from the common idiocy that engulfs my daily life. probably my favorite part of sedaris was his story about bizarro people in the airport. he described a young white father, adorned with acne, super duper long dreadlocks, an all-over "stay away from me i have diseases" appearance. perhaps the cherry on this white trash sundae, the kid was wearing a shirt that read "freaky motha focka." sedaris explained that he conspired with the woman standing next to him, admonishing this man's appearance... not his dreadlocks or homeless demeanor, but the tragedy of a t-shirt company not being able to spell "freaky motha focka." (there is an eventual point to this, i swear).

i am endlessly surprised at what people (and yes, sometimes even i) can't spell. in honor of the "freaky motha focka," i've made a comprehensive (not really i only listed a few) list of words that average people shouldn't misspell but tend to anyway because facebook doesn't have an auto-complete function. now, i'm not talking about typos.. but people who honestly think that this is how these words are spelled.
ready for this?

1. pance... you know. pants. rhymes with "dance."
2. dants... you know, dance.. rhymes with "pants."
3. hawt. drop it like it's hoooottttt. (add extra t's for increased emphasis)
4. y... just. why? why r u using one letter for three letter words? not that difficult.
5. l8r, h8r, sk8r. thanks for NOTHING, avril
6. boi... seriously?
7. joi. just kidding, but it's just as arbitrary as "boi."
8. tho - not talking about people that abbreviate "though" during text. but people who actual think "tho" is a word. DARSH
9. hier... "they might *hire* me if i can spell. but i can't."
10. gawd... that's the way it sounds, god.
11. dope... dope is something people used to smoke. it is not interchangeable with "cool." people that say "stoked" and "dope" have no reason to talk to me, ever.
12. lier... i kid you not. one who prevaricates. statistically, outside. on a hammock. u r such a liar (you, the one in a reclined position. oh wait. i spelled it wrong.)! stop lieing you dirty dirty lier. or lying. yeah, just don't make shit up while on your back. that makes you... quite a faker. haha, get it?

there are about a billion more... but i have to do actual work. i know, it's terrible. feel free to add to the list. :o)

Lostday Tuesday

2010-04-20T07:25:00.002-04:00

"lostday tuesday" is the title of this post purely because i will not be able to write that for much longer. because lost will be over. and a little part of me will have died. i will need to fill the "lost" void with a new obsession. jai alai? biker rallies (what the girl in the cubicle next to me LOVES them)? oh RIGHT, PLANNING A BRIDAL SHOWER. that's not really a "hobby." more of an obligation. buuuut oh well, i takes what i gets.

possible themes:

1. pirates. plunderin.' booty. like pirates DOESN'T say bridal shower? drink us some rum and slap us some wenches. mug people with plastic swords. have a pirate roller derby. what?

2. shotgun wedding. as my grandfather says, "the first baby comes any time. the second one takes nine months." and is there a better place to have a shotgun wedding themed bridal shower than York County? i could wear overalls, pigtails.. black out some teeth... a straw hat, bring a huntin knife. scrape up some roadkill for dinnah. get out some of pa's moonshine.

3. "you got SERVED." yep, we'd have breakdance parties. i'd bring someone to put my sister's hair in braids. hire a DJ. watch a marathon of awesome dance movies. and dance like everybody's watching.

4. white trash-tastic. you might think this is "shot gun wedding." but ohhh no, it's different. this is YoCo style. gonna go to the races, have a few beers at the sherwood... eat at a chain restaurant akin to TGIFriday's on route 30. Maybe the Olive Garden (if we're LUCKY)... go to the west man mall, hang out in the arcade... DDR it. pick up some fun hair accessories at Claire's. Scrunch our hair until it no longer moves (like Pauly D's blow out). GET BANGS. Take our ethnic children to wal-mart and let them run buck wild. sit on our porches and get drunk. then get in the car and get a DUI. soooo YoCo.

5. hot tub time machine. the movie is THAT good. you could definitely theme a bridal shower after it. (great white buffalo).

6. NKOTB. if you have to ask, you're not worthy.

i think that pretty much covers all the bases. thoughts?

joy of your life

2010-04-16T07:36:00.003-04:00

so, i have been having an excellent week. if i wasn't me, i'd be nauseated by my good mood. glad i'm me.

now, more importantly... it's time to get random.
apparently there was this volcano eruption thing that was so big/bad it cancelled flights going into Europe because of visibility / ash clogging engines. this reminded me of how i don't watch the news. ever (and didn't have the faintest idea that this actually happened). if i don't see it on the colbert report (or the soup)... i figure it's not that relevant. the last time i felt so isolated from the world was in college... when i was so wrapped up in my meaningless little life that i forgot holidays unless i happened to write them on syllabi. my parents would ask, "oh did you hear about _________(insert major world news event here)?"
Joy: "No. But I went to this party, and this guys girlfriend went BANANAS and accused me of hooking up with her boyfriend. Which is RIDICULOUS because he is so not cute enough. and then these sorostitutes attacked me in the line for the bathroom at club L and i was all like 'move out the way, hos, nobody wants your skeezy boyfriend but YOU.'"
Parents: "Oh. well.. there was this ______ (insert natural disaster here) that killed _______ (insert ginormous number here) people."
Joy: "that sucks. so the other night i hit last cup SEVEN times and everyone was all like 'oh my god, who ARE you?'"
Parents: "um. great. bye."

so i might be back to that stage of oblivious. minus the drinking/homework. which just makes me oblivious. i mean, i wake up at six everyday, "work" eight hours, go home, run.. then write, read, eat, hang out... possibly paint. this is why people think americans are uninformed and lazy. if i had time to CARE about health care reform, i would. but who has time for that when you could be watching zoolander for the 543rd time? or do something more interesting like stare at the wall in perfect silence? as an old friend of mine used to say... "it's not that it's not important. it's just that i don't care."

that is, until it DIRECTLY affects me. even then... probably won't care that much. unless i am in physical pain.

rockin the suburbs

2010-04-15T07:18:00.003-04:00

will someone please explain to me why i love hardcore hip hop? i mean i don't listen to it on purpose or anything.. but when good jams come on when i'm running.. i turn all.. kenyan and shit.

for some reason i want to post roc boys as my facebook status. but it's clearly about drugs. i think people will be concerned. hmmmm but do i care?

"first of all I wanna thank my connect
the most important person with all due respect
thanks to the duffle bag the brown paper bag
the nike shoe box for holding all this cash
boys in blue who put greed before the badge
the first pusher who ever made the stash
the roc boys in the building tonight
oh what a feeling I'm feeling life
thanks to the lame niggas with bad aim
thanks to a little change I'll tear you out the game
bullet wounds'll stop your bufoonery
thanks to the pastor rapping at your eulogy
to little kim and them you know the women friend who
carry the work cross state for a gentleman
yea, thanks to all the hustlers, and most important to you, the customer"

hm now what's the white-out version of this song, so i can connect with it? obviously a legitamite, law-abiding business. lemonade stand? nothing white could quite fit this. everytime i hear this jam, i want to yell out "thanks to all the hustlers, and most important, to you, the customer!" i'ma yell it right now at work. i feel like if i said this to the shipyard, they would be confused. very, very confused. actually i would probably get arrested. damn navy.

now talk about a song that's more on my level... "lip gloss."
"What you know 'bout me?
What you
What you
What you know 'bout me?
What you know 'bout me?
What you
What you
What you know?
They say my lip gloss is cool
My lip gloss be poppin
I'm standing at my locker
And all the boys keep stoppin"
Now, i do not have a locker.. let alone one that boys be stoppin at. because i am 24, not 15. but i have a shitton of lipgloss. ohhhh yeahhhh. i get this song stuck in my head for hours on end. and i feel all badass jamming to "what you know 'bout me?" because i've had such a difficult life. i think ben folds says it best:
"y'all don't know what it's like.
being male, middle class and white.
makes me wanna say.... fuuuuuuccccckkkkk."
no i'm not male. but you get the gist.

if you see me with my headphones on, gettin my wiggle on... just assume this white as milk red head is jamming to jay z, repeating lyrics about shooting people (sorry bustin a cap in yo' ass) and jail. that or a some kelly clarkson (whoa, whoa, i do not hook up up...)
don't even say it.

losing Lost

2010-04-12T13:26:00.002-04:00

ridiculous things i do at work.. part XXIV:

1. say (outloud) at 7am: "all of my guy friends are sulking, because no matter how drunk i get, it's not going to happen." only three people heard me. i think.

2. repeatedly insinuate that a certain draftsman is gay, gay, GAY. (pretty sure he is merely divorced)

3. talk about how old "30" is in a room full of 45-60 year olds.

this isn't really going anywhere. the point of that list was really # 1 because it just happened and it was hilarious.

in other news, i have finally figured out that my favorite color is purple. after 24 years. SCORE! i looked around today and realized that i have a purple ipod, am wearing a purple tank and cardigan, just purchased purple frames (glasses), and used to have a purple phone before i ran over it with my car. i am also wearing plum eyeshadow because it makes my hazel eyes even awesomer. dayyummmmmm. that's a lot o' purple.

and, finally, THE POINT:
what am i going to do with my life when lost goes off the air in a few weeks? no more lostday tuesday. i think i'm going to go through a period of mourning. this is my my first super duper favorite show that is ending when my life revolves around it. i finally know how people felt when "friends" ended. oh wait, no i don't. because friends is gay, gay, gay. joey is stupid. phoebe is crazy. monica is OCD and scary as fuck. rachel loves the loveable loser, ross. chanandler bong and his one liners that aren't funny. i can't say that i don't think it's funny occasionally. but really.. no comparison. and let's be honest, it's like seinfeld never ended. it's so syndicated that you can find it any time of any day on a big network. if you bought the seinfeld collection on DVD... you my friend, are an idiot. UNNECESSARY. i was kind of upset when daria ended. but that's only because i had a big crush on trent, jane's hot older brother. yes, he's a cartoon character. what? "you know quinn, i am the president of the fashion club." (sandy man-voice). ahhh love it. wasn't a big ER fan. the simpson's should've ended a few years ago. "what not to wear" is still going strong. so is "real housewives." so Lost is my first big television loss. what am i going to do when i am no longer confused all day on wednesdays because flocke recruited sayid who is now a human submarine? or when there's no hurley saying "dude" every three seconds? or when there's no more hobbit (i mean charlie)? or when i can't wax poetic about the paradox that is james sawyer? what if kate dies? evangeline lily, i'll get over it.. but KATE? disaster. i am currently taking suggestions of what to do on tuesdays when Lost ends.

"all submissions will be read. if you don't hear from me, consider it a pass." (i stole this form from an agent rejection letter. now you know how it feels.)

LOVE,
joy

hahm-o-nims

2010-04-08T10:12:00.003-04:00

or homonyms

i'm about to outnerd myself. i stumbled across an interesting homonym this morning when i made up a word.
suishi dinner = duishi... homophone to "douchey." yikes, right? complete opposites. this got me thinking about other words that sound the same but are different words words. words.

how bout this one:
friar/ fryer
now those are two totally different things. now if they friar/fryer is operating the fryer, you would have no idea if it was an automatic fryer or a holy man having a fish fry to raise money for church. yeah, bet you never thought of THAT.

jam/jamb. if i say "that's my JAM!" i'm talking about a song. or a door jamb. totally different.

rote/wrote. sometimes, people spell "wrote", "rote" because they never made it past the second grade. they don't realize that "rote" actually means, "to learn by repeating." so then if i actually use the word "rote" they are all like. what? same thing with want/wont. i am wont to want hot chocolate at all times.

whine/wine. how do these sound the same? maybe because when you give a sorostitue too much wine all she does is whine.

faint/feint. i just like the word "feint." i feel like it makes me sound like some kind of professional sports...woman. ish. i'ma feint so well it's going to make you faint. BAM.

chic/sheik. haha, that's just funny. "she is soooo chic." sheik. hahaha. what does a chic sheik wear? i hear girl scout uniforms are the new black. or something.

chased/chaste. if you're chaste you often get chased so that men can un-chaste your chasteness. oh, the irony.

you know you loved it.

assassination machinations

2010-04-07T14:21:00.004-04:00

i will credit AJ for the idea for this post. thanks, man.

top ten assassination attempts that WOULD'VE changed the course of history:

1. Batman by two-face, the joker, scare-crow, the riddler, poison ivy, michael caine, morgan freeman. what, they're sick of taking a back seat to christian bale and his creepy, super low batman voice. i sound like fran drescher when i have a cold.. doesn't make me a superhero. or the nanny.

2. me by that idiot pretending to talk on a cell phone while driving. seriously, that guy was trying to kill me when i was running (and trying to make it look like an accident). fake cell phone conversation-manslaughter. it's the new perfect crime.

3. Michael Jackson, pre-adolescent molestation/white phase by some dude. come on you know SOMEBODY tried to kill him before he went bananas. like.. tito because he was jealous. or joe because he's a crazy mother fucker. or some kind of stalker. like in bodyguard... oh man i wish the bullet would've hit whitney's character like it was supposed to. nah, take it back, hit kevin costner again. waterworld really sucked.

4. Luke Skywalker by Darth Vadar - CAN YOU IMAGINE? the dark side would've won! chaos! the entire galaxy ruled by evil/the emperor... oh, and episodes 1,2, and 3 do not count as star wars movies because they suck. who thought jar jar binks was a good idea?

5. Bald eagle by hunters of the WORLD (the first extinction attempt on this list) - no national animal for the U.S.? actually... that probably would've given us the leeway to pick something more bad ass than a flippin bird. like a liger. or a hungarian horntail. or a thestral. god knows there's no shortage of thestrals. they're not going extinct any time soon.

6. Phil Hartman by his wife - oh just kidding, that actually happened. and it sucked. way to go, Phil Hartman's wife.

7. Izzie Stephens by cancer - dammit. i wish this would've been successful. kill george and save izzie? thanks for NOTHING shonda rhimes.

8. john locke by ben linus - imagine if locke was DEAD dead instead of possessed and resurrected by EVIL dead? i know.

9. Jesus by the Roman government instigated by the pharisees. so this one actually happened. but what if it DIDN'T. what if God was all like, TIME OUT, can't watch this anymore, a plague on both your houses! BAM. game over. or instead the, people were all like, "yeah.. kill barabas. he's a jackass. let the god-man go." yeah, what THEN?

10. seriously.. how many assassination attempts were there on hitler? dear hitler's mom, should've had an "everything but" clause established before you got drunk and made a mistake that cost 6 million jewish lives. love, joy.

just call me OJ cuz i had to take a stab at it

2010-04-06T07:52:00.003-04:00

on sunday, i went to "sunrise" easter church service at the church i grew up attending, as usual. normally, if i decide to go to church i go to the "late" service (about 11am), which is full of more contemporary music... less chanting/genuflecting/rain dancing. something delightful that i FORGOT about early service: john arbuckle comes with his mother to early every sunday morning. yes... THE john arbuckle, the owner of garfield. this guy has john arbuckle hair - a brilo-esque mat of unmovable curls that gives the term "rug" a new meaning. same build.. same mannerisms. i've never actually talked to the guy but he's got to have the same social awkwardness. i've been tempted to throw a fat orange cat at him and a plate of lasagna to complete the illusion. and everytime i see the guy i want to tell someone, "hey, john arbuckle's here." (creative, i know). normally this is my sister who now lives in phoenix. unfortunately i was sitting next to my brother-in-law who already thinks i'm bananas, so i kept my mouth shut (for once. i know, stranger things have happened).
this john arbuckle sighting triggered the memory of ANOTHER real life cartoon character: dr. williams. summer of 2006, doing chemical engineering research in middle of nowhere, south carolina... the trifecta (liz, me, j-money) suddenly realizes that the nano-tech professor is, in fact, peter griffin. no he's not stupid like peter griffin. nor does have a hot wife, lesbian-wannabe daughter, alcoholic dog... he just looks like him. so this one time, my friend's lunch that was in the community refrigerator went missing. the running joke was that "dr. williams ate my lunch." we used to say it after like, everything.. because it's something peter griffin would do. it was somehow hilarious to griffin-fy dr. williams because he was so not peter griffin personality-wise. but seriously.. dead ringer in looks.
and my most recent experience with cartoonish/ real people type thing.. ma..jigs. friend of a friend/internet banter buddy told me i have a "pepper potts thing going on." i'm assuming this just means i am a ginger with a cartoonishly hot body (right). unfortunately i know absolutely nothing about comic books (/have never seen "iron man") and cannot make an astute evaluation of this potential compliment/insult. i'ma give it a thumbs up on the basis of feminine intuition. because that's ALWAYS right. ish. never. damn.

what a girl wants

2010-04-05T07:06:00.005-04:00

so i accidentally stumbled onto a facebook page thing the other day about what guys want from girls. there were about 300 things (written by a twenty-two year old man- boy, i can tell)... um... pretty sure men only want sex, food, and sports/beer. (unless you're george costanza and you want all of them at the same time). why complicate things?

however, what a woman wants.. now that's a mystery. actually if you're a guy, you shouldn't even be reading this because i will just be screwing with you. because that's WHAT WE DO. or is it? perhaps this is an excellent opportunity to tell the truth. if i knew what the truth was. let's face it, what i want changes approximately every 5-7 minutes. so instead of stating "what a girl wants," ima go with "stuff i wouldn't mind most of the time... ish... probably." oh, and i'm keeping this PG-13 because my family/cousins read this. finally, this list is semi-specific to me... ok a lot specific to me. and i am not normal. soooo take that for what it is.
here goes:

1. men that aren't intimidated by smart women. you'd be surprised, really. if you can beat me at scrabble, you get one billion bonus points.
2. man who cooks something. anything. (god knows i'm not going to turn into julia child any time soon)
3. when a guy has the balls to make decisions. i'm not saying, don't ever ask me anything... but, step up once in a while
4. guy who will listen to you when you talk. even when you're spouting Backwards Woman's Logic and contradicting yourself every three seconds.
5. a good cuddler and a better ____ (every woman's "blank" is different, get your mind out of the gutter. or not.)
6. a man that understands at least 85% of my vocabulary. and googles the other 15% of the time because he actually wants to know what the hell i said.
7. little bit of patience
8. someone that doesn't have to fill the silences because they aren't awkward
9. drools over you when you're wearing sweatpants/forgets his name when you wear that dress
10. understands that "beautiful" is almost always better than "sexy." i know i'm sexy. i forget that i'm beautiful sometimes.
11. wants to watch me play soccer and break some bitches legs. i love when people watch me do something i'm really good at. oh, and sometimes i get pissed and throw tantrums on the field. stay out of my face for ten minutes, i'll get over it.

okay, i'm about to digress. why do men always say to me "i don't like skinny girls?" yeah, i'm not skinny. duh. don't want to be. (36D, size 8 ass, thick thighs, hell i'd put my weight on here if i knew it, but i don't weigh myself ever. it's a number i don't really have a reason to know... love to wear a thick belt over things because my waist is way smaller than it's supposed to be with the ass i have). if this is your backwards way of saying you're attracted to me... yes "i don't like skinny girls." joy = not skinny. transitive property, you like joy. think of another way. i can't even COUNT the number of times i've heard this line. (oh, but don't ever say that you actually prefer skinny girls. i will taser your ass... or hate you for the rest of my life. probably both).

12. ambition (no, that doesn't mean ambition to make money. ambition about something, anything. passion about something, anything. other than gaming, drugs, or your celebrity crush. what are you, a chick?)

13. kindness. don't mistake this for being a cheese ball. be honest. there's nothing i hate more than fake.

14. put down your purse and make a move already. trust me, you will hear "no" if i'm not into you.

15. be able to carry our team in beruit because i will suck as i no longer play, like ever. don't ever count me out though, the more i suck, the more i'm likely to make last cup.

16. don't ever tell me to shut up when i'm watching soccer and screaming at the tv. soccer is only on tv in america like never. let me have my moment.

17. probably the most important. makes me laugh/thinks i'm funny. hell, i think i'm hilarious. if you're not laughing with me, get out.

wow, let's be honest this could go on forever. and it probably doesn't apply to most women, which means it's not helpful at all. oh well.. at least it'll entertain my girl friends. and by that i meant friends that are girls. i hope to one day find my own Karen. but a man version. i'm not gay. (if you picked up this office reference, high five)

thursday but it's like friday because i have off tomorrow

2010-04-01T07:46:00.003-04:00

why are the titles of my posts either completely random or about what day of the week it is? guess i'm subconciously counting down to the weekend on my blog post titles. yeah, that's probably it.

in other news.. i think my co-workers have finally figured out just how bananas i am. things i've done in my professional environment (otherwise known as an office):
~ put someone else's stapler in jello (he had to order another one, and no, i did NOT pay for it)
~ danced around the copier with my ipod blasting
~ plied just because i was wearing ballet flats
~ left meetings early because people started telling personal stories and stopped talking about work. do i really have to sit there for that?
~ screamed "fuck yeah, bitches" at 7am because my corrosion control report was accepted by the shipyard the first time i submitted it
~ call my boss frank, "friznank"
~ as a goodbye, say "smell ya later"
~ incessantly bother the people within a 10 yard radius of my cubicle
~ punch my dad in the arm when i walk past him as he's talking to somebody in the hallway (sometimes i hip check him too)
~ put on my dad's had (sideways and backwards) and his coat as i yell "let's plowwww" (ferris bueler style) at 4pm every day (quittin' time)
~ kick my dad's boss (and... technically my boss's boss) out of my dad's office at 4pm. hey, i have places to be. like.. not work.
~ tell my dad i want to race, then sprint down the hallway (by myself)
~ make 1 billion jokes using "quality" puns because my father is in charge of "quality" at this plant. hahah, get it?
~ tell my boss to "hold on a sec" when i am texting
~ proceed to turn everyone's name velcro name plate upside down on the outside of their cubicle. what, it never gets old.
~ talk about how the boss who hates everyone loves me because we both listen to jesus music (i'm seriously the only person he likes, and i'm easily the most annoying)
~ proceed to tell the entire office when i have a "hot date" (and mention his masculinity) so that they don't think i'm a lesbian (because i am the only person here not married or divorced). or i guess they could think i'm really into butch lesbians. which would make me the lipstick lesbian... i think?
~ take pictures of myself in all of my safety gear in the full length mirror in the woman's bathroom... then send them to people with my phone because i think i look so retarded and i have to share it with the world
~ spin around in my chair. a lot.
~ say "cello" when i answer the phone
~ make a monkey noise or say "elmo" twelve times in a row on the phone (usually i'm talking to my nephew when this happens. usually)
~ go around to everyone's cubicle and show them my giant orange (and point out how it's bigger than theirs is)
~ write things on my dad's white board like, "give joy a QUALITY award." (somebody always erases it for some reason?) (p.s. this gets written under actual tasks like.. inspect actuators blah blah blah. anytime you can make a white board (or.. pretty much anything) less white.. you're making it cooler)
~ say "BALLS!" routinely

hm that's all i can think of right now. i'm sure there are more examples of my unprofessional behavior. oh balls, guess i shouldn't have put them all in one spot. that makes me look bad. ish. whatever i give this place meaning.