How many times in your life have you ever said “You know, the movie REALLY got it right,”?
Never?
Yeah, me too. That all changed on Saturday February 25th, 2012. For the first time in history, the movie version was TAMER than real life.
What could I possibly be talking about? An epic war film? A biographical film with a sad ending (death)?
No. And definitely not.
Dodgeball. Yes, Dodgeball. Where, when you see Ben Stiller come out with his Globo Gym “cobra” team mates doing that snake thing, you pee your pants because nobody would ever do that. Guess what – people do that. And more. On Saturday I played in a Breast Cancer Charity Dodgeball Tournament. We arrived at the tournament to a short registration line - It kind of reminded me of checking in for a road race, but not quite as hectic. Teams were scattered throughout the high school lobby, standing in matching uniforms, sizing each other up. Before long we were all ushered into the gym so the rules could be explained.
Looking around the gym made me realize how many people were actually there. Fifty three teams – 6-10 people to a team. After I got bored of listening to the rules (in two seconds), I started to look around the gym and see what we (might) be up against.
Straight across the gym all the way on the opposite side I spot a guy wearing a ninja turtles yellow bandanna over his face. Except it’s the same color as his team shirt, which is yellow. I kept wondering if that was going to limit his field of vision and if he was actually going to wear it to play. And… why would he even wear it? Probably so people like me would sit across the stands from him and wonder why he’s wearing the stupid thing.
As I looked around the bleachers, I realized everyone had matching uniforms…. Except for our team. We all wore blue t-shirts of various hues, thinking nothing of it. Most teams had like legit t-shirts made – screen printed, names and numbers, the whole deal – just for this. Some had hand decorated with puffy paint – only a few other teams had no uniforms at all. Little did I know that the other “no uniform” teams included secret agent professional dodgeball players and team Douche (they wore beaters).
Moving on, we’re sitting there for awhile, rules, rules, rules, blah blah blah and finally we get to play a warm up game. All of the “expert” teams are on one court (did I mention that my fiance signed us up for the "expert" division?), so it’s easy to sit there and judge everyone else. We do fine in the exhibition and we get to see some of the other people we’ll play against. It is during this exhibition that we get our first views of “Jorts” and “Wonderbread,” two players off of the “Sliced Bread” squad. Jorts was wearing… wait for it… homemade jean shorts cut off at the knee and a baseball style shirt that said “this is my dodgeball shirt.” Who wears jean shorts for sports? Only the best dodgeball player in the entire world. I saw this guy jump/dodge, throw, and catch the ball in one motion. Like seriously, all in the time that he jumped and came back down to the ground. He could basically play against an entire team himself and win. Now, Wonderbread (he was wearing a shirt that said “wonderbread”) was on Jorts’ team. Wonderbread had 80’s shorty short running shorts on, a sideways turned skanky old blue baseball cap with a square bent brim and some old white sneakers. Wonderbread had some crazy finesse throws… he could spin around twice (like a discus thrower) and peg people better than I can at two feet away. And you never knew when he was going to throw it. Is he going to throw it the first time he winds up or the second time his body momentum carries him around into a beautiful triple sow cow lutz axel of awesomeness? In short, Wonderbread was Wonderful.
There were a few other bright spots – crazy side arm guy, the only girl that can throw, I have two balls at all times, sit on the floor, and nobody can hit me- guy (you can use the balls as shields and defend yourself). Oh and team Ruby Tuesday which included “guy that was clearly tripping his balls off/stoned” and the dude wearing a full length black and white striped business suit (the stripes were like a ref).
And then, there was “A bunch of boobs.” (Our team – seriously that was our name)
To make a long story sort of medium length, we played well in exhibition, got absolutely dominated by the Freeballers in our first game, only to rally back in our second series but lose the final playoff game to Quack Attack (crazy side arm guy). And that quickly, it was over. You know your team is doing poorly when you go to grab your second ball to throw and realize that you and your fiancé are the only people on the court that haven’t gotten out. Yeah, and I was the GIRL (and I DIDN’T play softball). Normally, getting eliminated in anything kind of brings me down. But then I think of the context- not that it’s for charity, but that these “athletic” skills are completely stupid and useless for every other single life application. And even though I definitely got schooled by a man wearing jean shorts, he’s still a dude wearing jean shorts. In public. On purpose.
Still, probably should have practiced dodging wrenches.
Fish
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
please stop having half time shows
I think everyone can agree that the Super Bowl halftime time show is absolutely ridiculous. In a bad way. I don’t quite understand why they insist on having pop artists perform when none of them can perform live, and they always transform classic songs into shitty covers (Except for that alien, plastic-looking, heel-clad thing that lip synched to “Like a Prayer” this year. That sounded just as shitty as the first one). The only other halftime show I can remember is *NSYNC, Britney, and Aerosmith. And even though I had questionable taste back then, that was still kind of lame.
I love Justin Timberlake. He has a really stupid ass made up name, seems like a cocky SOB, and cried on the first ever episode of Punk’ed – but I still like his music. The Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” was abhorrently stupid. What was the point? I’m pretty sure you could find a picture of Janet Jackson’s boob online somewhere if you wanted to. Now, now, Janet, flashing people doesn’t make you the RIGHT kind of popular. And did I want to see Janet Jackson (who strikes me as a dirty cougar whore) grinding all up on Justin (who would totally do a dirty cougar whore)? That gave me a glimpse into celebrity personal life that I didn’t want to see. Just HOW desperate do you have to be to “accidentally” show your entire boob on the most televised event of the year? Oh and THEN the post boob-show clutch, like, “Oh my god, my boob.” Let’s just say she isn’t winning an Oscar any time soon.
But NOTHING, NOTHING, tops the Black Eyed Peas in 2011. They were absolutely horrible. I felt like a grandma, yelling, “What is that racket? You call that music?” First of all, Will.i.am is a total sellout. Your name is WILLIAM, dipshit, get over it. Fergie just sucks. She’s not good at anything. I guess she’s thin, but when you have a face like that- who cares? Her voice is so gut-wrenchingly awful that it makes her meth face even more prevalent. And, that other guy looks like an Indian (feather), yet still (somehow) a monkey. And techno beats – they just keep getting worse. Just… gahhhhh!
Ok, so maybe “Like a Prayer,” with a choir is a step in the right direction compared to anything Black Eyed Peas or an aging pop star’s headlights. Maybe.
I love Justin Timberlake. He has a really stupid ass made up name, seems like a cocky SOB, and cried on the first ever episode of Punk’ed – but I still like his music. The Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction” was abhorrently stupid. What was the point? I’m pretty sure you could find a picture of Janet Jackson’s boob online somewhere if you wanted to. Now, now, Janet, flashing people doesn’t make you the RIGHT kind of popular. And did I want to see Janet Jackson (who strikes me as a dirty cougar whore) grinding all up on Justin (who would totally do a dirty cougar whore)? That gave me a glimpse into celebrity personal life that I didn’t want to see. Just HOW desperate do you have to be to “accidentally” show your entire boob on the most televised event of the year? Oh and THEN the post boob-show clutch, like, “Oh my god, my boob.” Let’s just say she isn’t winning an Oscar any time soon.
But NOTHING, NOTHING, tops the Black Eyed Peas in 2011. They were absolutely horrible. I felt like a grandma, yelling, “What is that racket? You call that music?” First of all, Will.i.am is a total sellout. Your name is WILLIAM, dipshit, get over it. Fergie just sucks. She’s not good at anything. I guess she’s thin, but when you have a face like that- who cares? Her voice is so gut-wrenchingly awful that it makes her meth face even more prevalent. And, that other guy looks like an Indian (feather), yet still (somehow) a monkey. And techno beats – they just keep getting worse. Just… gahhhhh!
Ok, so maybe “Like a Prayer,” with a choir is a step in the right direction compared to anything Black Eyed Peas or an aging pop star’s headlights. Maybe.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Fidel works here
There’s nothing like watching a new employee establish himself as a “giant fucking weirdo” on his very first day. So I’m just sitting in my cubicle, like normal, when in the hallway right outside of my humble abode, I see (hear) “the new temp.” He is asking his boss about badge access. I believe it went something like this:
“I’d like 24/7 access to the building. I like to work late. I’m not one of those out of here at 5pm types of guys. I need to be able to come back in at like 10pm if I decide to go get a sandwich or something. I’m always late on Mondays because I live in Maryland.”
And, folks, he’s not even a drafter.
So you need 24/7 access… to turn the abandoned second floor of this building into a meth lab? Around here, working “late” is staying until 4. I leave at 3:30pm on the dot, every day. Temps work by the HOUR, dorkwad.
Why do you need a sandwich at 9:30pm? Fourth meal? And isn’t that supposed to be a wrap or taco of some sort, not a sandwich?
Why are you telling your boss you like to come in late? And what does Mondays have to do with being late? You have free heroin Sundays, so your Mondays are always rough? That’s great you live in Maryland, but considering we are about 10ish miles from the Maryland line, it’s not really an excuse for being late, ever. Especially on Mondays.
Later in the day, while he sees a lunch meeting in progress, he waits outside the room in anticipation of stealing the catered lunch food after the meeting is over. Waiting outside the door, really? You don’t even work here yet. I guess when you eat sandwiches at 9:30 you are hungry for the rest of the day.
Lastly, many have given him the name “Fidel” in honor of his likeness to the Cuban dictator. Yeah, if Fidel wore plaid shirts, short pants, and needed to run a meth lab to earn extra cash, he's a dead ringer.
*forehead slap*
“I’d like 24/7 access to the building. I like to work late. I’m not one of those out of here at 5pm types of guys. I need to be able to come back in at like 10pm if I decide to go get a sandwich or something. I’m always late on Mondays because I live in Maryland.”
And, folks, he’s not even a drafter.
So you need 24/7 access… to turn the abandoned second floor of this building into a meth lab? Around here, working “late” is staying until 4. I leave at 3:30pm on the dot, every day. Temps work by the HOUR, dorkwad.
Why do you need a sandwich at 9:30pm? Fourth meal? And isn’t that supposed to be a wrap or taco of some sort, not a sandwich?
Why are you telling your boss you like to come in late? And what does Mondays have to do with being late? You have free heroin Sundays, so your Mondays are always rough? That’s great you live in Maryland, but considering we are about 10ish miles from the Maryland line, it’s not really an excuse for being late, ever. Especially on Mondays.
Later in the day, while he sees a lunch meeting in progress, he waits outside the room in anticipation of stealing the catered lunch food after the meeting is over. Waiting outside the door, really? You don’t even work here yet. I guess when you eat sandwiches at 9:30 you are hungry for the rest of the day.
Lastly, many have given him the name “Fidel” in honor of his likeness to the Cuban dictator. Yeah, if Fidel wore plaid shirts, short pants, and needed to run a meth lab to earn extra cash, he's a dead ringer.
*forehead slap*
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
it's my birthday bitches
Today I am 26 years old. I know, I know, hold your applause. It will take me a bit of time to get used to being “26,” just like when I spent all of “25” telling people I was “24.” Not that it matters anyway. Apparently the big 3-0 just marks the time period where you tell people in their twenties that you are SO MUCH older than they are.
Just so you know, when I’m in my thirties, I will NOT be telling people in their twenties how lucky and awesome they are to still be twenty-something. Instead it might go something like this: “Oh, you’re twenty two today… that was totally the worst year of my life… good luck with that.”
The weird thing isn’t that I am older, it’s that there are more and more teenagers listening to music I think is retarded and saying catch phrases my dog probably made up but decided not to use because he said it out loud and it sounded stupid to him. And inevitably comes the thought, “I wasn’t THAT bad, was I?”
Yes. Yes you were. That time when you were totally obnoxious at that BYOB restaurant because you decided to DAYB (drink all your booze) before the appetizer came, not really thinking about the other patrons in the restaurant and how you might be annoying the shit out of them with your hyena-like laughter and boisterous storytelling… YES. You were just as annoying as the idiotic I’m-21-and-can-drink-in-public-somethings.
Once in awhile, I go to a team event I’m coaching with a gaggle of high school girls, and I accidentally listen. BIG MISTAKE. I either realize I have no idea what they’re talking about because they are using words I am unfamiliar with (because somebody famous just made them up), or I am astounded by the innate nature of the inconsequential, pointless subject matter - and how little I care about ever hearing another word spoken about it. This includes (but is in no way limited to):
boyfriends, Lady Gaga, disco sticks, the size of someone’s thighs, prom dresses, homecoming dresses, winter formal dresses, who’s a slut, who wore it better (the high school edition), how hard high school is, tests, weight, the last time you shaved your legs….
Okay so this could go on forever.
Not only that, but half the time when I reference something (anything), I have to tell the kid to Google it.
Was I like this at 15? Probably. Dammit. At least this perspective keeps me from ever being nostalgic about being a teenager. When I turn 30 in four years, remind me to never again rant like an asshole on a public blog.
Just so you know, when I’m in my thirties, I will NOT be telling people in their twenties how lucky and awesome they are to still be twenty-something. Instead it might go something like this: “Oh, you’re twenty two today… that was totally the worst year of my life… good luck with that.”
The weird thing isn’t that I am older, it’s that there are more and more teenagers listening to music I think is retarded and saying catch phrases my dog probably made up but decided not to use because he said it out loud and it sounded stupid to him. And inevitably comes the thought, “I wasn’t THAT bad, was I?”
Yes. Yes you were. That time when you were totally obnoxious at that BYOB restaurant because you decided to DAYB (drink all your booze) before the appetizer came, not really thinking about the other patrons in the restaurant and how you might be annoying the shit out of them with your hyena-like laughter and boisterous storytelling… YES. You were just as annoying as the idiotic I’m-21-and-can-drink-in-public-somethings.
Once in awhile, I go to a team event I’m coaching with a gaggle of high school girls, and I accidentally listen. BIG MISTAKE. I either realize I have no idea what they’re talking about because they are using words I am unfamiliar with (because somebody famous just made them up), or I am astounded by the innate nature of the inconsequential, pointless subject matter - and how little I care about ever hearing another word spoken about it. This includes (but is in no way limited to):
boyfriends, Lady Gaga, disco sticks, the size of someone’s thighs, prom dresses, homecoming dresses, winter formal dresses, who’s a slut, who wore it better (the high school edition), how hard high school is, tests, weight, the last time you shaved your legs….
Okay so this could go on forever.
Not only that, but half the time when I reference something (anything), I have to tell the kid to Google it.
Was I like this at 15? Probably. Dammit. At least this perspective keeps me from ever being nostalgic about being a teenager. When I turn 30 in four years, remind me to never again rant like an asshole on a public blog.
Monday, January 2, 2012
I'd rather watch gay men fight over fabric
We all know that reality shows are a long way past the point of sucking. They’re horrendous. I don’t think I can emphasize enough just how much I hate the Kardashians. But even the non-dramatic, off the beaten path, discovery channel reality has gone to new lengths to suck.
I have problems with several of them (see the list below).
1. Gold Rush Alaska
This show doesn’t seem that bad of a concept. We’re going to follow miners around and see if they find the gold they need. Hooray pioneers! (or something). Only after watching a few episodes do you figure out these people don’t have the slightest flippin clue of what’s going on. They don’t have the equipment, the expertise, or the manpower to mine. Something breaks every other day and of course no one can ever fix it. Oh, and did I mention that they need to make 200k or they will be homeless? Yes, all six of them. Also, the guy they interview the most sounds like “Darrel” from “Storage Wars” which makes me automatically think he’s a giant dumbass with a truck that he doesn’t know how to drive.
2. Sons of Guns
It was kind of annoying to start with. Now even the commercials are becoming intolerable. What’s worse than watching hicks blow shit up? That’s right, watching hicks trying to act to create another storyline and then blow things up. Everyone knows that what’s his name doesn’t actually like the chick on the show. If they were actually dating, they’d both be way more relaxed (we know she puts out, she has a kid). The guy that actually runs Red Jacket is the most asinine jerkwad on the planet. “Ah he he, I’m this big badass tough gun hick but the people I surround myself with have the real talent and I just take the credit for it.”
3. American Pickers
Just be proud to be gay already; it’s cool with me.
There are a lot of annoying details I could go over in other shows, but I’ll spare you. FYI, “Crocodile Hunters” isn’t actually that bad because it’s like learning to decipher a different language. Backwoods Bayou English is an art. Also, if you have a few beers, the show becomes down right phenomenal, which I cannot say for most other reality based fake-ality shows. “Auction Hunters” is annoying because it’s not as good as “Storage Wars,” and “Storage Wars” gets annoying whenever Darrel talks. I usually enjoy “Pawn Stars.” It’s like antiques roadshow with a more colorful cast. Or at least a larger diameter one. I ALMOST FORGOT.
4. Hardcore Pawn
I hate this show the most. Some snarky sleazy guy in Detroit runs this pawn shop and tries to fuck people over on ever deal. In Pawn Stars, at least the guys try to be fair. This guy gets off on being a complete dick. Did I mention he has a grey balding mullet? And both of his kids work in the shop and are fucking dumb and like to scream at each other every day.
In summary, I need to go back to watching Bravo, because at least that shit is entertaining.
I have problems with several of them (see the list below).
1. Gold Rush Alaska
This show doesn’t seem that bad of a concept. We’re going to follow miners around and see if they find the gold they need. Hooray pioneers! (or something). Only after watching a few episodes do you figure out these people don’t have the slightest flippin clue of what’s going on. They don’t have the equipment, the expertise, or the manpower to mine. Something breaks every other day and of course no one can ever fix it. Oh, and did I mention that they need to make 200k or they will be homeless? Yes, all six of them. Also, the guy they interview the most sounds like “Darrel” from “Storage Wars” which makes me automatically think he’s a giant dumbass with a truck that he doesn’t know how to drive.
2. Sons of Guns
It was kind of annoying to start with. Now even the commercials are becoming intolerable. What’s worse than watching hicks blow shit up? That’s right, watching hicks trying to act to create another storyline and then blow things up. Everyone knows that what’s his name doesn’t actually like the chick on the show. If they were actually dating, they’d both be way more relaxed (we know she puts out, she has a kid). The guy that actually runs Red Jacket is the most asinine jerkwad on the planet. “Ah he he, I’m this big badass tough gun hick but the people I surround myself with have the real talent and I just take the credit for it.”
3. American Pickers
Just be proud to be gay already; it’s cool with me.
There are a lot of annoying details I could go over in other shows, but I’ll spare you. FYI, “Crocodile Hunters” isn’t actually that bad because it’s like learning to decipher a different language. Backwoods Bayou English is an art. Also, if you have a few beers, the show becomes down right phenomenal, which I cannot say for most other reality based fake-ality shows. “Auction Hunters” is annoying because it’s not as good as “Storage Wars,” and “Storage Wars” gets annoying whenever Darrel talks. I usually enjoy “Pawn Stars.” It’s like antiques roadshow with a more colorful cast. Or at least a larger diameter one. I ALMOST FORGOT.
4. Hardcore Pawn
I hate this show the most. Some snarky sleazy guy in Detroit runs this pawn shop and tries to fuck people over on ever deal. In Pawn Stars, at least the guys try to be fair. This guy gets off on being a complete dick. Did I mention he has a grey balding mullet? And both of his kids work in the shop and are fucking dumb and like to scream at each other every day.
In summary, I need to go back to watching Bravo, because at least that shit is entertaining.
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